Let’s face it, we live in a dangerous world. One moment you can be sitting in a Starbucks, reading your favorite liberal blog, wearing a t-shirt that reads “Ban the 2nd Amendment”, feeling confident because you’re in a gun-free zone while sipping on your pumpkin spice latte and the next you have a sawed-off shotgun shoved in your face while someone takes all your valuables, knocks over your pumpkin spice latte, then they laugh at your stupid t-shirt. And you’re left standing there with tears coming down your face and a wet stain on your pants from where you pissed yourself you gutless bastard. So as a public service I would like to give all you pumpkin spice latte drinking, skinny jeans pissing and teary-eyed individuals some tips on how to survive in a high crime, high drama world.
Remember to beat the Wolf at his own game, a sheep must act like a Wolf!
Survival Tip One:
Don’t carry a lot of money or valuables around with you on a daily basis in order to avoid theft…But if something comes up and you need money, then just steal it.
Survival Tip Two:
Or you can use reverse psychology on the shitbags by carrying large amounts of cash and valuables on you all the time. It is a well-known fact that displays of wealth make most shitbag criminals feel too depressed about their own crappy lives to even bother robbing you.
Survival Tip Three:
If and When you are robbed, try to remain as calm as possible. Try to avoid any sudden movements. Remember the shitbag criminal is often just as scared and nervous as you are. Interesting Fact… You are more likely to be shot during a robbery if you call the criminal a shitbag.
Survival Tip Four:
If you are out for a leisurely stroll in the park, try to avoid hills or steep paths. If you accidentally fall and roll down the hill, you are likely to be robbed as your rolling down the hill, this is a common tactic of park thieves. They prefer this method of theft because you are pretty helpless as you roll down the hill…Think about it, you know I’m right.
Survival Tip Five:
It is wise to carry some type of identification. It’s even suggested that you write your name on the inside of your clothing, that way the police can identify your body, if you feel there may be a chance of you being dismembered then write your name in several places.
Survival Tip Six:
Try to avoid carrying bags that hang down from the shoulder, such as purses, satchels, computer bags, these can be easily pulled off your shoulder by someone sneaking up from behind you. Instead I suggest that you duct tape your belongings to your body. Remember fashion isn’t important, safety is.
Survival Tip Seven:
When you are out walking, always stay on well-lit, crowded streets as often as possible. It is another well-known fact that shitbag criminals will never attempt to rob someone if they are in a crowded area, full of distractions, especially if the sun is in your eyes.
Survival Tip Eight:
You should always closely watch your children when they are playing in public areas. That way if you observe them being robbed, you can run as fast as you can back to your car in order to lock your valuables in it. Be smart…Don’t attempt to remove your belongings from the vehicle until the shitbag has finished robbing your children and is safely on his way to the next victim.
Survival Tip Nine:
When you are explaining the details of a crime to the Police, be sure to leave out certain details and then invent new ones in their place. This way it helps keep the instincts of our law enforcement honed to a razor sharp edge, which is exactly where they need to be in this high crime world.
Survival Tip Ten:
If you find yourself in a situation where someone is trying to verbally harass you, just ignore them and then try to walk away from that asshole. If you respond to them in a like manner it will only escalate an already tense situation. I suggest you just walk away to a safe distance, watch them, follow them home, and wait for them to fall asleep, then kill them.