Dearest Montana Summer,
I miss you! I know you are long gone now, I can’t help but think maybe it was my fault, do you feel I took you for granted? Maybe I did, it’s hard to say, things were so crazy, and it all seemed so damn short. But please know this, I love you and need you more than ever right now! Please, please come back!
I remember when you first showed up in my life, I was cold and angry, so when you showed up everything changed for me, I was happy again and was able to finally put that crazy bitch of a Winter behind me and move forward with my life. I use to comment on how beautiful I thought you were, even my friends kept saying “Isn’t summer in Montana beautiful?” Well the question was rhetorical, of course you are beautiful and your radiant energy was infectious.
When you showed up, I no longer hid myself indoors, usually laying in my bed in the fetal position, hidden under several blankets and crying, always crying. But thanks to you I got out more and I experienced all the sensual pleasures life offered to me, you truly brought out the best in me.
I remember sharing that first exhilarating sudden downpour with you, I got so hot and sticky, the sweat and rain made for a rapturous moment indeed. I will be honest, that very first one we shared together I kind of panicked, I started to run for my car, but then I just gave in, and allowed myself to be caught up in the moment, I gave in to you and I was never happier, I remember dancing in the rain, it was a moment I will never forget. I had that ridiculous grin on my face as I drove home, I may have even shed a tear of joy that day.
Some people say that love, especially new love makes us do crazy things and as I look back on our time together I can’t help but think some of the things you compelled me to do in those early days of your arrival were really not in my best interest. Like when I left the house barefoot because I wanted to feel your warmth on my feet, which was great until I stepped on that nail and had to go to the hospital so they could remove it. I know I blamed you, I said things I regret, I wish I could take back those words now, and who knows maybe you would have wanted to stay around longer. But I knew when I met you that you were a free spirit, you couldn’t be tamed, I knew one day you would move on.
Looking back I am not really sure when it happened. At first I felt so lucky to have you in my life, but as time went on, things changed, I know I got lazy, perhaps at times I thought you were too much to deal with, at times I ignored you, and then it became a routine.
I feel ashamed to admit this, but there were even a few times when I said some negative things about you. Honestly, I found myself getting overwhelmed by you. The warmth and energy that I had appreciated so deeply in the beginning….Well, it became stifling and unwanted. I had thoughts running through my head of something new, I needed to experience something a little darker, perhaps even a little more mysterious. Yes, I admit it, you were right when you accused me of talking to Autumn, but it was just a brief flirtation, I really didn’t know what I wanted at the time….I was so confused.
I knew you thought there was something going on, I became distant, aloof. And I admit I didn’t even notice that you were slowly pulling yourself away from me, and when I finally did figure it out it was too late and my heart was filled with regret, I was disloyal to you, the one thing that truly brought so much happiness and joy into my life and I screwed it up. I was a mess, I know I acted like nothing was bothering me, but on the inside I wanted your warmth on me again, I longed for it, but I knew it was too late.
I will never forget that night I woke up alone, cold, shivering and I realized you had left for good, I felt lost, truly lost without you. I miss you so damn much. My life is just a cold wasteland without you, please forgive me.
My sweet Montana Summer, I really am sorry I took you for granted. I shiver when I think about life without you. But even in these darkest of days, my love endures for you, all I can do now is hope you will make your way back this way one day. There will always be a place in my heart for you.
Cold and Shivering in Montana
As you sit on your couch alone, not having sex, try whistling “Eye of the Tiger” it will make you feel carefree and sexy.
At night before you fall asleep alone, with no chance of sex happening at all. Try throwing some ice cubes in your bed, so when you wake up in the morning you will find some wet spots under you.
When you wake up alone in your bed in the morning, keep a mirror handy and then start talking dirty to that sad, pathetic face in the mirror. Dirty talk in the morning is an exciting and flirty way of starting your day. A day filled with no sex whatsoever.
If you are a female, make a game of throwing your un-needed birth control pills into a plastic solo cup. Give yourself a reward for each pill you make in the cup, perhaps a candy bar for each one, no need to watch that figure if no one is there to see it.
Every time you find yourself getting aroused and not end up having sex, which is probably every time. Put a dollar in Mason jar. In no time at all you will be able to go out to dinner alone, for free!
While you’re sitting around your house alone, not having sex. Make sure you keep a mint or tic tac in your mouth at all times. This way you will keep your breath minty fresh for you to keep breathing in by yourself.
If you don’t already own it, go to the book store and buy the Kama Sutra. But just read the preface, because that’s all you really need, it’s not like you will be able to act out any of the incredible sexual positions alone now is it?
When you find yourself fantasizing about feeling the soothing touch of another living being, use a fake name for yourself, that way you can ask yourself who that exciting flirt was…It was just you silly, cause you are all alone.
Leave yourself little notes to find when you get home from work, like “I can’t wait to spend some quality time with you tonight” that’s right, once you see that note you know what that means….Netflix and Sadness!
When you make a home cooked meal always cook for two, that way you can have left-overs the next day, it will give you more time to spend by yourself, not having sex.
When you go out to eat, always tell the waitress that you are expecting someone else to show up, after a couple hours of sitting there they will feel sorry for you and probably give you a free appetizer.
So far 2016 really isn’t working out for you is it? You can’t help but notice your life has skidded off the highway of happiness and landed into a ditch despair . Maybe you’re so called “friends” are ignoring you, they won’t even “Like” your status updates anymore. What the hell? Work seems to be going even worse, your boss suddenly hates you, you’re co-worker’s treat you like you have Ebola. And now on top of everything thing else, your adorable little kitty won’t even get near you, all you want is just to snuggle with her but she scratches you and runs off….Face it, You have hit rock bottom my friend!
Do you remember the good ol’ days, you would come home from a long day of work and without fail your faithful little “fur baby” would be there waiting for you at the door, seemingly excited that you had finally made it home. But now things are very different, there is tension in the air. You come home and nothing, nobody greats you, no faithful little fur baby anxious to see you. Now your little hairball stares at you from across the living room, with that look, you know the look, the “You make me sick” look.
You do your best to get your fur baby’s attention, maybe you throw their favorite toy towards them, trying to entice them into some playful fun with you, but all you get is indifference, your fur baby’s glazed eyes, staring through you, piercing your soul, it is clear, your beloved fur companion wants nothing to do with you, you may as well be dead, because to your precious little kitty you already are.
How did you get to this point in life? You are in an emotional hell, and you know it. What could you have done to make the only thing you ever truly loved (because you are unable to maintain healthy human relationships) turn on you? Is this Karma’s idea of payback for something you did?
Are the Gods punishing you because you aren’t a true believer? Perhaps Mother Nature is conspiring to destroy you and all that you love because you left that McDonald’s wrapper on the ground instead of being an Eco-Warrior and picking that shit up….Shame on you!! You disgust me as well. Just kidding I have no idea who you are, probably just some nutjob who is a pain in the ass to be around.
But you need to figure this problem out, you can’t possible keep living this life of misery. Normally you can handle your life being a mess, face it, it always has been. And work sucks anyways, you are just noticing it more because your home life is in turmoil. So the solution is to find out why there is a problem at home, why does your beloved little fur ball hate you now?
Did this problem at home start that day you stole that parking spot from that poor old disabled man at the veterinarian’s office? You remember him, he was just there to get his precious little companion checked on, poor lil fella had been sick for a week. But you were in a hurry, and cut him off and you even laughed about it…Wow, you really are an asshole aren’t you? Karma should kick your ass.
After some soul-searching it dawns on you…
Everything in your life started going to shit about two months ago, when you decided not to renew your gym membership. You wanted to save a few bucks, you figured you would just workout at home, you have a few free weights, a yoga mat, everything you needed, remember? But you never did workout did you? Always too busy playing x-box, or feeding your fat face with Doritos and Cupcakes. You disgust me!
Not only did you let yourself down, you let your fur companion down as well. Do you think your beloved kitty wants to be around you now? You let yourself go, you are a pig. If you don’t respect yourself what makes you think your fur companion will respect you? The answer is it won’t, you lost your kitty’s respect the day you cancelled your gym membership. And from that day forward your life just spiraled out of control, but you were blind to it, until it was too late.
Now what? Well, let’s be honest, the damage is done. You have two options. First you can renew your gym membership and bust your ass trying to get back in shape, maybe, just maybe your fur companion will stick around and see if you will see it through, maybe once you show your kitty that you learned your lesson and are doing everything you can to repair the damage you caused, perhaps you can still have a relationship, a healthy one. It’s worth a shot
Or you can go with option two, quit your job, give your fur companion to someone who actually cares about their body and works out, then run away, move to another country, go to Mexico, live in a shack down by the beach and pray that the cartel doesn’t cut your head off for being a fat nasty gringo. But by then you would probably welcome that, you don’t want to live with your shame anymore, cancelling your gym membership? How could you be so stupid?
For your sake, and your fur baby’s sake I hope you get your ass back in the gym…Hurry, before it’s too late!
Hi, I hope you are doing well. I thought I would write you a nice Thank You letter this year instead of sending you a text like usual. But really let me say Thank You, I really do appreciate the $15 Subway gift card you sent me for my birthday. I mean, I know I sent you a really long wish list about three months ago, and I know you got it because you had to sign for it. I think it was a pretty interesting move on your part to totally ignore all my suggestions and veer off into insanity.
Or maybe you were just trying to be funny, is that what you’re doing? Is this some kind of joke? I mean, I know I was joking when I wrote on my wish list that any gift that cost less than $100 would be a waste of both your time and your money.
Listen, don’t misunderstand me here, the gift card was a very nice gesture and all. Actually I thought it was pretty thought provoking, I guess I never imagined they could fit such a minuscule amount of money onto a card that appeared larger than most, after all it is the size of a six inch sub. It’s really mind blowing if you stop and think about it. Because I clearly remember telling you I would never eat at Subway again after Jared was arrested for having sex with minors, I know you are getting old Mom, but we had that conversation last week? Jared? Subway? Sex with minors? Ring any bells?
Well in case you wanted to know, my birthday party was pretty nice. I bought myself a cake and party hats, I played music and did board games. I won every game, Ms. Kitty really isn’t very good at them, but she did enjoy the cake, so much so that I was only left with a few crumbs, so that was pretty disappointing….Almost as disappointing as getting a Subway gift card for your birthday. I’m just being sarcastic, of course I am thankful for the gift card and again I want to say Thanks Mom! I guess most Moms who would attempt to psychologically destroy their son on his birthday would take a more traditional route, like maybe telling them they were adopted on their big day and burning them with a cigarette just to watch them scream in agony. But you, however, are far too clever for those old cliche’ methods. You decided to inflict the most painful of all acts of known in parenting handbook, you went with ignoring all my birthday list wishes and instead sent me a $15 Subway gift card, I commend you on your originality….Bravo Mom, Bravo!
Winter is almost here, I had really held out hope of getting a few of the winter related items I put on the wish list, like a winter coat, hat, gloves, and snowmobile. But I think you might be right, giving me the $15 Subway gift card is probably a smarter move. Seriously Mom, Thank You! They say it’s not the gift, it’s the thought that counts, right? Come to think about it I guess at my age I really shouldn’t expect a big gift. After all I remember back when I turned 40 you told me that I’m getting kind of old to receive big gifts anymore and you didn’t know how much longer you would do it and you pointed out that my older brothers stopped getting gifts after they turned 18, but I thought I was your favorite, your baby? And since I thought I was your favorite I never really expected you to stop getting me cool stuff for my birthday and I certainly didn’t think it would happen on a milestone birthday like this one. You do know this birthday only happens once in a lifetime right? So yeah no biggie, guess the only milestone I will remember is the one you hit me with, you crushed my heart with it and then stuck a $15 Subway card in it…Why do you hate me??
I decided to make the best of this whole situation, so I went ahead and visited Subway so I could spend my gift card, I order myself a foot long steak and cheese sandwich, I even splurged and got bacon and guacamole on it, and then I figured what the hell and had them double the meat on it, then I added two cookies and a large soda. Guess what Mom? The gift card didn’t work! There I was with a $12 dollar meal and no way to pay for it. The kid behind the counter said the gift card wasn’t even activated, which means all you did was grab one of their blank gift card and sent it to me without putting any money on it, why Mom? Is it because I forgot your birthday this year? And well…last year too, but last year wasn’t my fault you know that, I didn’t turn my calendar to the right month, I blame the calendar company for that, you know that! Look, I don’t want to be angry on my birthday, I am willing to give you another chance to make this right, do you still have my wish list? I think items 4,6,13,21 and 34 would be more than sufficient to make up for this error in judgement, let me know if you need me to send you another copy of the wish list.
Alright Mom, let’s have a birthday do-over okay? Remember it’s a big one for me, I only turn 45 once in a lifetime so dig deep into that savings account and let’s make it right, I deserve it, remember I ‘m your favorite…your baby! And don’t you ever forget that!
The Birthday Boy