Dear Monday Afternoon Nap…I Miss You!

Dear Monday Afternoon Nap,

I am pretty sure it was twenty two years ago when we first met. It was a rainy October afternoon, I remember I had a lot to do that day but you showed up and changed my life for the better. You were a wonderful ray of sunshine on that rainy day, a respite from the challenges I faced that Monday in October…You totally changed my outlook, you left me refreshed, mind, body and spirit.

But I have been in shock, perhaps a little disheartened these past few Monday’s when you haven’t shown up, did you forget about me? Did you have something better to do? Maybe you simply moved on to a better place, if that is the case I have no doubt you will be welcomed with open arms by your new family, maybe they are unemployed, or have a new baby, or a kitten that is wearing them down. Regardless of where you land I want you to know how much you have meant to me over the years.

I will never forget the time when my cat and I cozied up to read my new book  “Winning at life, even though life is kicking your ass”  that I had just gotten earlier in the day. My cat ended up falling fast asleep on my lap. Monday Afternoon Nap, you must have sensed I needed a break because you lasted five and a half hours. I ended up missing my doctor’s appointment and picking up my kids from school, I even missed an important phone call causing me to lose my job. You were like an angel sent from heaven that day, I have never felt as refreshed as I did that day.

Then there was that time my family and I were on a road trip to Yosemite National Park, you came early that day and surprised me as I was driving. All I remember was listening to my wife complain that I needed to find a job and that she was sick and tired of supporting my lazy ass and then it happened…You decided to give me a much needed break from my stress, you lulled me into a trance, perhaps it was the rhythmic sounds of the road markers chattering away letting me know I was drifting off course, whatever it was it worked. When I awoke from my slumber my wife had stopped complaining…thankfully! She was thrown fifty feet away as the car rolled into that ditch, that nap changed my life, it was just what I needed at the time.

1 Corinthians 15:51 tells us, “Listen, I tell you a mystery: We will not all sleep, but we will all be changed.” Monday Afternoon Nap, My life will be forever altered now that you have moved on. You were with me for most of my adult life, and those years were delightful. Without you, Monday Afternoon Nap, my Monday’s are sometimes long, and at times, relentless. When 1:30 PM rolls around, the witching hour begins and chaos ensues. It is during these times I miss you most.

I know with challenge comes opportunity. Now that you have moved on, I have been able to leave the house on Monday afternoons to go to Walmart. While at times nice, the consistency of my Monday Afternoon Naps was a welcome friend I will always cherish.

I will miss you Monday Afternoon Nap, but know you will forever be regarded with honor and reverence.

Sincerely,

Tired In Montana

An American In Montana’s Guide To Living A Happy And Rewarding Life…Or Pretty Darn Close!

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If you are doing stupid things which only cause you trouble and heartache, then stop doing that shit.

 

So if everything you have been doing in your life up to this point hasn’t been working out the way you have hoped, then go back and start doing things the opposite way you have been doing it.

 

Start your day off by watching funny cat videos.

 

If you have negative people around you, get rid of them, they are only making things worse for you.

 

Take naps, despite what some people say, naps are a beautiful thing.

 

Take 3 minutes every Friday to think about all the bad stuff that happened to you over the past week, then purge that crap from your memory and never dwell on it again.

 

Remember to exercise, there is a special healing power to exercising. And if for some reason you are unable to exercise on a certain day then make it a point to think about exercising, even that is better than nothing.

 

Release the anger you hold inside, Give up trying to change others, Don’t let negative shit take up space in your head, smile…often. (Okay, this one has a lot in it, but you can handle it)

 

If you don’t own a cat, then get one. Sure they will probably ignore you 95% of the time but that 5% of pure feline attention is so worth it.

 

Surround yourself with funny people, it’s a well-known fact that people who have a sense of humor are just better people in general.

 

Eat healthy…If you eat like shit then you will feel like shit!

 

If you want something, ask for it. The world is not full of mind readers, as far as I know. So don’t be a little bitch, just ask for the things you want. Sure you might get told NO! But the answer is always going to be NO if you don’t ask.

 

Don’t use words that you don’t know the meaning to. Trust me, nobody is impressed and you will just look stupid, which is stressful and that will make you unhappy or as I like to say Disconsolate.

 

Don’t worry about what anyone thinks about you, it’s none of your business anyways.

 

Never, ever, NOT stand up for yourself, you might get your ass kicked, but you will heal. But the personal shame of not standing up for yourself will never heal.

 

Your body is a temple, treat it as such and make sure others do the same. If someone wants to worship in your temple make sure they follow the temple rules, or kick their ass out.

Lessons On How To Live A Great Life…From A Dog

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Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joy ride.

Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.

When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

When it’s in your best interest, always practice obedience.

Let others know when they’ve invaded your territory.

Take naps and always stretch before rising.

Run, romp, and play daily.

Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.

Be loyal.

Never pretend to be something you’re not.

If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.

When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.

Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

Thrive on attention and let people touch you.

Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.

On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.

When you are happy, dance around and wag your entire body.

No matter how often you are criticized, don’t buy into the guilt thing and pout. Run right back and make friends.

An Open Letter To My Rambunctious Inner Child…Listen Up Bobby!

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Dear Inner Child,

BobbyBobby listen up, I’m done with this bullshit, I’m done with the way you treat me. All you do is look for ways to use me and take advantage of every situation! We need to come to some agreement if we are ever going to live our life in peace and guess what… Today is the day, we are going to be working as a team, that means starting now you will pitch in when needed and stop goofing off all the time…Got it?

Alright, just so we are clear on this….We are a team, but every team needs a Captain and I am the Captain! What does this mean? Well, it means I will still ask you for your opinion, I will admit you have some great ideas at times, especially when it comes to holidays and gift buying, you actually excel at that, so please take pride in that achievement. But the rest of the time you need to back the hell off!

Now back in the day you really were better looking than I am today. Everyone just adored you, you were so cute and shy, and girls just ate that shit up. But that was then kiddo, and this is now. Being cute might get you a date or two, maybe it will get you a free drink now and again, but it certainly won’t pay the bills.

Look I want us to have a good relationship, when I think of you I want it to be happy thoughts, not of some freak show that pops up unexpectedly and certainly uninvited. For example…I’m so sick and tired of the temper tantrums when things don’t go your way, every time you break the TV remote I have to replace it, those aren’t cheap you know. I understand sometimes you get frustrated, but there is a time and place for everything and having a meltdown in Walmart because they are out of your favorite frozen vegetable mix is certainly not making either of us look good.

And another thing, let’s knock off the pouting, whining and blaming others crap. Ok? You have to understand when my friends and family are offering me feedback, they aren’t picking on me or trying to punish me, at least most of the time. So enough of that bullshit. People are losing respect for us every time you act out. Remember you had your time, maybe you think that shit worked back then, but I can still recall the  “Incident”  back in Fourth grade when you came in second at the swim meet. Might I add the last swim meet you were allowed to participate in, so you see that behavior has never really worked for you.

While we are on the subject, you really need to stop telling people you need a  “Nappy Poo”  it is totally making people uncomfortable when you say it. Normal adult conversation doesn’t include that phrase. And interrupting me while I’m talking to someone, then getting bent out of shape because you can’t tell them what you did today is really getting old, so I mean it, that shit has to stop right now. Also before I forget, whenever we are out to eat and you aren’t happy with the service you cannot refer the wait staff by their name and a profanity that you think rhyme’s with it. That crap is seriously not getting us invited out anymore, except by Nate, but Nate’s inner child is worse than you, he actually eggs you on, we need to stop hanging out with Nate.

And stop making weird faces at people, I respect your right to have your own opinion but you just need to keep it to yourself. I’m still trying to apologize to Mrs. Davidson about that face you made after you tried one of her homemade cookies. I keep telling her it was my sneeze face but she isn’t buying it.

Looking back at all the failed relationships, lost jobs, fights and a whole host of other mishaps throughout my life, I still think it’s best if I take the lead from here on out. You are just going to have to trust me. We need to work as a team, with me as the Captain, I will run a tight ship, but I believe in fairness so you will have plenty of chances to step up and get involved so don’t worry. So are we in agreement on this? Bobby?… Bobby!! Dammit were you sleeping the whole time?

You better get your ass with the program, I promise you we are going to stop watching SpongeBob, Do you want that to happen? I didn’t think so!

 

Yours Truly,

The Captain