Dear Wrist Straps…Why?

 

Dear Wrist Straps That Are Not In My Gym Bag,

Alright, I really have had it this time. Wrist Straps That Are Not In My Gym Bag, we need to talk. Why has this happened yet again? We have gone through this several times now, I honestly thought things would change due to the heated exchange we had last time this happened. I really thought you were going to start being more responsible. Do you have any idea how it makes me feel when I get to the gym, get myself dressed for action and then I find out my straps are missing? It’s pretty damn embarrassing. Everyone else has their straps, except for me. I look like a goddamn tourist! Other lifters look at my bare wrists and laugh at me, and it’s all because you aren’t responsible enough to show up.

And don’t even try to turn this around on me. How dare you tell me I am forgetful! That’s bullshit and you know it. I always put you back in my gym bag, always!  Let’s see everyone else always seems to be in the gym bag…Ear buds, Lock, Extra Tank Top, Headband. But not the wrist straps, no the wrist straps somehow couldn’t make it to the gym today.

Where were you? What was more important than showing up to the gym today?…Tell me!!

I remember when I first saw you in the store, you were new, full of promise. You came into my life at an important juncture, I was adding heavier and heavier weight, I was going full Beast Mode in the gym and you were there to help me. At first everything was great, we were a team, we were working hand and wrist, and nothing could stop us. But like any team, it’s only as strong as its weakest member. Guess what, that weakest member is you!

Well in the three weeks that we have been together, ever since that day I brought you home from Bob’s Sporting Goods with so much hope for future big lifts it’s just been a downward spiral of disappointment. I really thought we had something special, something different, I guess I was wrong.

Wrist Straps you are dead to me….

 

Sincerely,

Your Former Swole Mate

 

Death By Dumbbell!

 

In case you haven’t been paying attention to the news lately, I need to point out the rash of gruesome deaths being cause by Dumbbells. There was another one over the weekend, this will undoubtedly raise the question of Dumbbell registration and many politicians are already promising to push the legislation through Congress.

The media will hype these deaths up like they always do, just fear mongering plain and simple. There have been several studies, the most recent one which was done by Montana State University, which disproves any link between children watching shows like  “Pumping Iron”  or  “Generation Iron” and adults using Dumbbells as a tool to commit homicide, again there is absolutely no correlation between the two.

There are some people calling for mandatory waiting periods before people can start using Dumbbells in the gym, perhaps even making people take a Dumbbell safety course before they can use them. This will most likely also lead to Dumbbell registration and criminal background checks before you can purchase one, even at places like Walmart. None of these measures will create any meaningful reduction in Dumbbell related crimes. Some politicians even say there should be a mandatory waiting period when purchasing a Dumbbell, but this would fail to accomplish anything because there has never been a case of someone using a Dumbbell in a crime of passion. Most crimes involving Dumbbells have turned out to involve illegal Dumbbells which were purchased on the black market, illegally shipped in from Mexico.

Some people want to limit the size and weight of Dumbbells, thinking if they limit the size to no larger than 25 pounds that this might somehow reduce their use in crimes. But there really is no distinction between a regular Dumbbell and an Assault Dumbbell. Common sense would tell you that no Dumbbell has ever been made for the express purpose of hurting anyone. The only exception to this was the  “Arnold Dumbbell”  which the military has designed for use in a failed operation against ISIS. It turned out dropping the GPS guided Arnold Dumbbells had little effect on ISIS moral like the military hoped.

It really is strange to me that Dumbbells which were designed to help people gain muscle, to turn your biceps into  “Guns” have themselves been turned into weapons of human destruction. I mean if someone wants to kill another person they will do it, but for someone to choose a Dumbbell for that purpose just blows my mind. Why not just use a firearm? Or maybe even a knife? It saddens me that Dumbbells have now been given an unfair characterization as a tool of murder.

I’m going to take a wild guess and say on average there are 15,000 murders a year in this country and out of those only 283 were caused by Dumbbells. One would be too many but in the bigger picture 283 isn’t that alarming. To put things in perspective more people die from Shark attacks each year.

Just in the state of Florida last year 934 people were eaten by sharks, but you never hear about this stories because the news doesn’t want tourism affected, but yet they report on Dumbbell deaths and make it sound like an epidemic, which is scaring people away from gym’s and fitness in general.

I think most people don’t realize that the majority of Dumbbell-related deaths are not violent crime related. Do you realize you are twenty times more likely to be killed by a Dumbbell on accident?

The majority of these Dumbbell accidents occur when people are improperly using them while they exercise. Most cases result from people doing over-head presses and they lose their grip on the Dumbbell and it falls hitting them in the head, usually killing them instantly. Several weeks I witnessed one of these accidents happen in my gym, there was this guy who was doing seated overhead presses with one hundred pound Dumbbells, I asked him if he needed a spot but he said  “I got this bro”  and on his very first rep, he lost his grip and one of the Dumbbells came tumbling down crushing his skull, I had blood and brain matter all over me, I nearly wasn’t able to finish my workout, but I pulled through and finished it…Thank God!

As parents it is important we teach our children the proper use of Dumbbells, whether it’s for sport, profession or as a hobby, if we teach our kids early enough on the proper safety precautions to take when using them, perhaps we can reduce the number of Dumbbell related accidents each year.

If you ever find yourself getting hit in the head by a Dumbbell either by accident or on purpose, please seek immediate medical attention, even if you feel like your injuries are not life threatening it is important to get checked out. If you do receive a blow to the head from a Dumbbell, look for the warnings signs of injury, blurred vision, and large amount of blood loss, bleeding from the ears, nose and eyes, indented skull, caved-in skull, exposed brain matter, inability to move arms or legs, involuntary bowl movements, people around you screaming and unable to look directly at you without vomiting, these are all signs you should seek immediate medical attention.

Let’s not forget our country was founded on the principles that we are all free men, we have the right to bear arms, build big arms and lift big weights, which include Dumbbells. Don’t just sit there and let these hard fought freedoms be stripped away from us, just because some jackasses and their irresponsible use of our beloved Dumbbells, so many of these unnecessary deaths could be prevented if Bros just used a spotter. So let’s all do our part in keeping each other safe at home or the gym, wherever Dumbbells are found let there also be safety found with them….God Bless America… God Bless our Troops and God Bless Those Who Use Dumbbells!

Stop Staring At Me!

 

Okay this is supposed to be a feel good self-improvement type post. Can’t you tell by the title? So are you one of those people that gets that weird feeling every time you go to the gym that everyone around you is staring at you?..I get that feeling sometimes as well, usually when I’m wearing my  “Cats Are People Too”  workout gear. But anyways I hear from people quite often. Usually women. That they are either afraid to go the gym or to take any of the group classes. Or if they do go to the gym they only use the treadmill because they are worried that other people will stare at them for being out of shape or just plain lost in what they should be doing.

I say…Forgeddaboutit (this needs to be pronounced in your best New Jersey accent to be effective)

Just remember that those people who you think are staring at you are just people, I think you would be surprised at how many are so vain that they don’t notice anyone but themselves. Or they are just like you, they are just as busy being self-conscious about themselves to be concerned about you…So get in there, strap on your Beats by Dre or whatever you use to avoid conversations and get your business done at the gym.

So stop letting what people may think hold you back from reaching your goals. If you want to hit the free weights, or take some kick ass new dance class or even try that Hot Yoga for the first time. I can almost guarantee that the other people around you will either..

– Not notice you because they’re just as freaked out about being there as you.

-Admire you for taking control and trying to better yourself.

So get in there and DO IT!! Because afterwards you’re going to be Happy. And sweaty, and probably smell. But dammit you will be Happy!

But if they are giving you funny looks I would recommend not free-balling it in the gym next time if you’re a dude or wear a sports bra next time so your girls don’t pop out for a visit if you’re a lady.

Alright let’s take this from another angle, let’s say you do go to the gym fairly regular but your still feeling nervous about venturing any further than that damn treadmill or elliptical…You see the Promised Land (Free Weight Section) off in the distance. And perhaps you’re not really worried about anyone looking at you, but you simply don’t know what weights to lift or how to lift them.

Well it’s time step off the treadmill and walk towards the Promised Land..

I’m a firm believer that weight training is more efficient at burning those nasty calories than just straight cardio…You know that treadmill thing you have been stuck on like Gilligan’s Island. Well the rescue boat is here, so go pick up some weights. Don’t be scared, weights won’t bite you ( I would suggest holding them firmly, dropping them on your foot will cause people to stare at you)

So I could suggest a multitude of different workouts. But I’m not an expert. But you know what the Internets are full of people who say they are. And Hell some of them actually are. So do some research, find an easy routine to start with, to get your feet wet. It’s not that hard to grab some light weights and start working with them, unless you have that illness called  “I have an Excuse for everything”  and in that case I would suggest you seek help. Like from a Personal Trainer. Yes, they are at nearly every gym, they can help you with working through your Excuses issues.

Just remember when you’re trying to get in shape, you need to make it a lifestyle, you can’t go to the gym for 30 min then stop at McCrapper on the way home , and sit your ass on the couch watching Oprah reruns while snacking cheesy snack chips all evening and expected a miracle to happen. It’s going to take hard work, consistency, strong will and determination.

I will see you in the Promised Land…

You Cancelled Your Gym Membership? What Have You Done?!

whathavedoneyoudone

 

So far 2017 really isn’t working out for you is it? You can’t help but notice your life has skidded off the highway and landed into a ditch. Maybe your so called friends are ignoring you, they won’t even  “Like”  your status updates anymore.

What the hell?  Work seems to be going even worse, your boss suddenly hates you, your co-worker’s treat you like you have Ebola.  And now on top of everything thing else, your adorable little kitty won’t even get near you, all you want is just to snuggle with her but she scratches you and runs off….Face it, You have hit rock bottom my friend!

Do you remember the good ol’ days, you would come home from a long day of work and without fail your faithful little “fur baby”  would be there waiting for you at the door, seemingly excited that you had finally made it home. But now things are very different, there is tension in the air. You come home and nothing, nobody greats you, no faithful little fur baby anxious to see you.  Now your little hairball stares at you from across the living room, with that look, you know the look, the  “You make me sick”  look.

You do your best to get your fur campions attention, maybe you throw their favorite toy towards them, trying to entice them into some playful fun with you, but all you get is indifference, your fur babies glazed eyes, staring through you, piercing your soul, it is clear, your beloved fur companion wants nothing to do with you, you may as well be dead, because to your precious little kitty you already are.

How did you get to this point in life? You are in an emotional hell and you know it.  What could you have done to make the only thing you ever truly loved, because you are unable to maintain healthy human relationships, turn on you?  Is this Karma’s idea of payback for something you did? Are the Gods punishing you because you aren’t a true believer? Perhaps Mother Nature is conspiring to destroy you and all that you love because you left that McDonald’s wrapper on the ground instead of being an Eco-Warrior and picking that shit up….Shame on you!!  You disgust me as well. Just kidding I have no idea who you are, probably just some nutjob who is a pain in the ass to be around.

But you need to figure this problem out, you can’t possible keep living this life of misery. You can handle your life being a mess, face it, it always has been. And work sucks anyways, you are just noticing it more because your home life is in turmoil. So the solution is to find out why there is a problem at home, why does your beloved little fur ball hate you now?

Did this problem at home start that day you stole that parking spot from that poor old disabled man at the veterinarian’s office?  You remember him, he was just there to get his precious little companion checked on, poor lil fella had been sick for a week. But you were in a hurry and cut him off and you even laughed about it…Wow, you really are an asshole aren’t you? Karma should kick your ass.

After some soul-searching it dawns on you…

Everything in your life started going to shit about two months ago, when you decided not to renew your gym membership. You wanted to save a few bucks, you figured you would just workout at home, you have a few free weights, a yoga mat, everything you needed, remember? But you never did workout did you? Always too busy playing x-box, or feeding your fat face with Doritos and Cupcakes. You disgust me!

Not only did you let yourself down, you let your fur companion down as well. Do you think your beloved kitty wants to be around you now? You let yourself go, you are a pig. If you don’t respect yourself what makes you think your fur companion will respect you? The answer is it doesn’t, you lost your kitties respect the day you cancelled your gym membership. And from that day forward your life just spiraled out of control, but you were blind to it, until it was too late.

Now what? Well, let’s be honest, the damage is done. You have two options. First you can renew your gym membership and bust your ass trying to get back in shape, maybe, just maybe your fur companion will stick around and see if you will see it through, maybe once you show your kitty that you learned your lesson and are doing everything you can to repair the damage you caused, perhaps you can still have a relationship, a healthy one. It’s worth a shot

Or you can go with option two, quit your job, give your fur companion to someone who actually cares about their body and works out, then run away, move to another country, go to Mexico, live in a shack down by the beach and pray that the cartel doesn’t cut your head off for being a fat nasty gringo. But by then you would probably welcome that, you don’t want to live with your shame anymore, cancelling your gym membership? How could you be so stupid?

For your sake, and your fur baby’s sake I hope you get your ass back in the gym…Hurry, before it’s too late!

Water…The Destroyer Of Worlds!

waterthedestroyerofworlds

 

That was a catchy headline, for a less than interesting topic for most people… “Water”

I am a Water fanatic, I believe it is the purest and best thing for you.  I know I get enough each day, probably enough for three people.  How much water do YOU drink every day? If you’re serious about getting to the best level of personal health and if you’re exercising and running each day I can almost guarantee that you’re not drinking enough unless you’re totally making a concentrated effort to do so.

Are you going all out when you go to the gym? If so you should be consuming a gallon of water a day minimum if you’re a dude.  And close to 3/4ths of a gallon if you’re a girl.

If you’re not hitting the gym that hard, then I guess you could get away with less H2O…But why? If you’re not hitting the gym hard and giving it you’re all then you’re just wasting time.

It is important that you don’t rely on your  “thirst-meter”  in your body to remind you to drink water, especially when working out.  Your brain will tell you that your thirsty long after your body actually needs it, so I find it’s pretty helpful to just go get a few gulps at the water fountain or from my jug during each set. Bring a water bottle with you to the gym so you don’t have to get up from the machine every few minutes that way you’re more likely to get enough to drink.

In case you are unaware you have two kidneys in your body, you know those things that boxers try to beat out of the opponents body. When you workout, you sweat. Your body loses fluid and it needs to be put back in or else your muscles will suffer and your workout will suffer (that’s a lot of un-needed suffering) Your body will often process the liquid before it’s able to put it back where it belongs, you need to drink more than normal after a workout. So here are some of the best method I could research to keep ahead of the fluid game when you’re working out.

About two hours prior to working out, drink between half a liter and a liter of water (that about four cups of water) Some sites say you can drink any liquid as long as it’s not booze, But water is always the best choice…Yay, for water !!

Okay so while you’re working out, you should get water into your system quickly so it can rapidly replace the water loss through sweating (And if you’re not sweating you are not working hard enough) Start drinking it before you even start feeling thirsty. In between each set, keep chugging…6-8 fluid ounces every 15 minutes.

After your done busting ass in the gym, you need to get your body ready for the next workout by getting the levels back to normal. If you were properly chugging your water, you probably need to piss like a Clydesdale (A big ass horse) However, your fluid balances still aren’t back to normal, so you need to keep drinking. (Don’t wimp out now) If you can work some sodium (salt) into either your liquid or your food intake after the workout, your body will retain water longer, giving it more time to absorb and use and regain balance. You know what has sodium in it? Most of those energy drinks like Gatorade.

Drink water throughout the day.  Not only is it good for you, but it’s good to stay hydrated even if you aren’t working out that day.  Trying to lose weight?  Drink lots of water before you eat lunch and you might find your appetite curbed. If you work in an office or from home, you already have a free and abundant supply of the good stuff (water). Just keep a water bottle on your desk and fill it up every morning when you get there.  And who knows what kind of gossip you will hear over by the water cooler while you’re there filling up.  Everyone likes office gossip right? Except when it’s about me then your all just jerks….Anyways drink your water!!

20 Reasons To Avoid The Gym Today!

20reasonstoavoidthegym

 

So are you just looking for some excuses today to not go workout? Do you need help? If you’re really needing some good excuses I will help you out since I am always trying to promote living a healthy lifestyle, I think it’s only fair that I once in a while keep it balanced and help those who have no desire to improve themselves.

Besides, it’s pretty cold out today!

 

Here are 20 Awesome reasons NOT to go workout today.

You’re saving up for the lap-band surgery.

You’re gonna start… gonna eat freaking perfect too man… you’re gonna do everything right… gonna get RIPPED!… and you’re starting tomorrow… it’s gonna be soooo awesome!!

You like to train outside. But it’s too hot, too cold, raining, snowing, there’s a tornado warning, or it’s too nice of a day out to be exercising… who works out on a perfect day like this?

You’re waiting til you can afford supplements. You really like supplements.

You’re waiting to get your diet in order.

You saw a website that said it’s better to just take green coffee extract, or Acia extract, or blueberry testicle extract… or some other crazy supplement.

You’d rather take a step away from your goals than take a step towards them.

You have no goals.

You don’t don’t wanna hurt yourself.

You’re waiting for New Year’s… 2017.

You’re in a relationship now so screw it.

You’re gonna try Weight Watchers first… Jewelie at work is getting really good results with it.

You don’t wanna get calluses.

You don’t wanna get all tight and muscle bound.

You actually do plan on working out today. Right after you finish this beer.

Only insecure people need to work out to overcompensate for their insecurities.

Endorphins are addictive and you don’t wanna get hooked… all it takes is one workout…You’d rather be safe than sorry.

Chicks don’t like guys who work out. They want guys with money.

You let your workout program fall by the side lately, so you’re gonna ride it out a while.

Health isn’t all that important.

 

Yeah…So just go work out already will you?

If you’re not really  “feeling”  it today just tell yourself you’re just going to do a few light sets. And within 10 minutes you’ll be hitting it hard…DO IT!!

Meathead Wisdom!

meatheadwisdomfordummies

 

Sure I know what you might be thinking what can a “Meathead”  teach me besides lifting weights? Well, first of all if your one of those people who judge people based on appearances then get the Hell out of this blog. Don’t need your type around here.

Let me just start by saying  “Meatheads”  shall one day rule the earth and there is nothing you can do to stop it, so you better just start working on assimilating as fast as you can. It’s your only chance.  Alright so perhaps you actually don’t want to be a  “Meathead” I guess I can understand stand why, but honestly you should want to be one and not for the reason’s you’re probably thinking.

Take a look at yourself in the mirror, wouldn’t it be pretty cool to have chest that tears at your shirt’s seams and biceps that get the girls all goo goo eyed.  Now picture yourself walking into a store and having people turn their heads to stare at you in awe as you walk past them.

Hey, did you see that dude? He’s Huge!!

But…You could be thinking, I don’t want to be a “Meathead”, they are all Conceited…Vain…Muscle bound most likely insecure and trying to compensate for something. Or how about, all those weightlifters are just shallow egotistical narcissists. They are probably soul-less just like Gingers (kidding)…All body, No brain!

Maybe after reading that you’re thinking what the Hell could I possibly learn from them.

Well. Frankly …a lot more than you might think.

I will tell you this, there are many things about weightlifting that many people just don’t understand. They just don’t grasp it, all you can do as a non-lifter is judge, unfairly I might add, and use those stereotypical descriptions of something that is actually hard and something that requires dedication and commitment.

And when I say Hard. I mean really freaking hard!

If you know anything about some of the top athletes in the sport, the Olympians, you will understand that they have accomplished something few people are capable of.  They actually built themselves.

Nearly everyone has tried to lose weight at some point, which in theory is pretty easy because fat loss is a natural byproduct of correct eating. But for someone to grow muscle. That is a different animal entirely. Your body doesn’t like the idea much of growing muscle and it will resist the best it can.

So keep that in mind, while I try to give you insight to the qualities that truly make a successful weightlifter. Whether they be bodybuilders, strongmen or the Olympic lifters. All successful  “Meatheads”  typically share these traits.

And YES you can learn something from them…

 

Know The Inner YOU

It doesn’t matter what you’re doing in life, you will never achieve your goals in life if you’re not willing to look deep inside yourself and face your demons.

And nothing will make you face those demons as quick than that last rep on the bench. The one you didn’t think you could push up, that hard fought last rep.

You learn so much about yourself when you are willing to push yourself to your limits…Not the limits people place on you, Not even the limits you set for yourself, I’m talking about the point of complete Mental and Physical failure limits where you think your body cannot go any damn further…This is true failure..physical collapse.

“Meatheads”  face this daily…Many times over.

 

Pursue Your Passion

You’re not going to add 20-30 pounds of muscle to your frame by chance and you can’t squat double or triple your body weight through God-given talent alone..It’s take a pure Dedication to the craft. Pure Determination.

You need Persistence, the type of Persistence that can only come when someone has found their Passion.

The elite weightlifters are some of the most passionate people you will meet. A person doing this craft needs to be, putting yourself through the intense rigors of lifting day in and day out, is a grueling process. You will never last if you’re not truly passionate about it.

“Meatheads”  have this Passion…And they pursue it with all the brutal intensity that it deserves.

 

Personal Sacrifice

To reach the goals you set for yourself it will require Sacrifice. Something most people would choose to ignore.

But a weightlifter knows that strength can only be built through pain. There is no other way. They have to accept that simple fact and they don’t bitch about it, they don’t complain about how unfair it is…that other lifters have bigger bi’s or that Dan is over there out-deadlifting him by 100 pounds.

The lifter knows that Dan worked his ass off for those extra 100 pounds. And he knows that he will have to do the same if he wants to achieve that level of success.

“Meatheads”  are willing to make the Sacrifices necessary…They will Sacrifice their comfort. They will Sacrifice their time. They will Sacrifice the Friday nights out at the bars, sleeping late in the mornings and buffet lunches at Jade Garden.

Perhaps even after a set of 20 heavy squats they will Sacrifice that lunch all over the mat.

 

Iron Builds Iron

Weightlifting is a beautiful thing in my opinion, it’s all about growth, and I’m not just talking about muscle growth. Because what is the pursuit of strength if not an attempt at personal growth… To better yourself.

I think it is impossible to build strength of body without building strength of mind. The effort that is required to truly change your body is resistance on a whole different level. And this resistance must be overcome…Resistance that makes you stronger.

So the more that you give to the Iron…The more the struggle, blood and pain…The more it gives you in return…The more of its own qualities you embody.

You will become the Iron…Iron body…Iron mind.

There are so many people out there who are looking for a sure-fire way to build their own willpower. To build their character. They will search the internet looking for tips and tricks to help strengthen their mind and empower themselves.

Rarely do they ever consider the simple and proven methods before their eyes. Yes, all it takes is a trip to the local gym.

“Meatheads”  understand the fortitude that weight lifting builds…they have it because they have earned it.

 

So next time you see some big  “Meathead” don’t be so quick to judge.

How many times have you seen a well-muscled guy and thought  “He must spend all day in the gym…Dude needs a life”

Guess what, he has a life…And there is a good chance it’s probably a lot better than yours. Maybe we tried living a bit more like the  “Meatheads”  we might have more to show for our own efforts.

Sometimes Being A Deadly White Ninja Sucks!

sometimesbeingadeadlywhiteninja

 

Have you ever done something so amazing, so exciting that you wanted to share it with everyone you know, expect for the fact you can’t because you would have to kill them for knowing too much?  Yeah, well I had one of those days yesterday…I really wish I could tell you all about it, but sadly, then I would have to kill you.

Sure, I know people say that all the time, right? You ask them how their weekend went and they sarcastically reply  “I would tell you but then I would have to kill you”  it’s just a poor attempt at humor and worse of all it ruins the effect of the term when people like me need to say it and actually mean it.

When I say that I really wish I could tell you all the amazing stuff I did yesterday but I can’t because I would have to kill you, I’m being serious.  I would really have to kill you then make your body disappear…like forever!  I know most of you who know me just think I’m that good natured, incredibly handsome guy who likes to go to the gym a lot. But truth be told, I’m a deadly white ninja, trained in the ancient arts of assassination and origami.

So as you can imagine, if a deadly white ninja tells you they would have to kill you, then you better take them seriously. I would come in the darkest hours of the night, silently, so silently not even your trusty dog would hear me. Your wife and kids wouldn’t hear me as I remove you from your home, they would just wake up in the morning and you would be gone, it would be almost like you never existed.  Not even the best CSI team could find a clue of what happened, finally your wife will just tell your kids you ran off with a stripper named Pepper, then she would introduce your kids to Bill, the guy your wife found on Match.com who will keep her company in your bed.  Hey…you can’t blame her, she was lonely and horny you selfish son of a bitch!

Okay, I’m just kidding, she probably was already sleeping with Bill before you went… “missing”

I even had a guy who worked for the cable company tell me  “I could tell you how to get free HBO on your cable box, but then I would have to kill you”…Really?  You dare use that term with a deadly white ninja?  I can recall dozens of times when I actually sat there in the dark, watching the life fade from a man’s eyes. But the cable guy thinks he knows what it’s like?  Perhaps he thinks the 1400 hours he has invested in Call of Duty compares.

And even if the cable guy did actually tell me how I could get free HBO, we would probably end up getting friendly and he would end up asking me what I did over the weekend and since the dude just gave me free HBO I would do him a solid and share my weekend shenanigans, I wouldn’t want to be rude, I wasn’t raised that way.  But, of course later that evening I would have to go kill him, not because I want to, but because I have to, he can’t go around knowing that kind of information. Have you heard the term  “Loose lips sink ships?”   Well I think we all know how gabby cable guys are.

But on a different note I have HBO now if anyone wants to come over and watch tv.

It’s not an easy life being a deadly white ninja, at times it can be lonely. You can’t really keep a girlfriend because you can’t ever explain to them what you did over the weekend, otherwise, well, you know what would happen.

Do you think this is funny? Is this making you giggle?

Listen, I could tell you fifty things less funny than this story, I won’t share the entire list with you but they include bran cereal, a flea jumping on the carpet, a piece of uncooked elbow macaroni, cat tears and any issue of Highlights magazine. And you know something else that isn’t so damn funny, the more I talk about this, the more I want to tell you what I did yesterday and then you know what happens? That’s right my little friend, this silly game we are playing, this awkward dance, well it would be over….Forever!

I will be straight up with you, once you hear about how my day went yesterday, well let’s just say you better make sure you are never, ever alone. I would suggest you always stay in a crowd. If you’re by a wall, you better keep your back against it and never enter a building without knowing where all the exits are. Before you eat your food I would suggest letting someone else taste it. Have someone walk you to your car, and while they are there have them start it as well. Don’t trust anyone, because I can be anyone, at any time, after all I am a white ninja, we are masters of disguise. I could be your mailman, your neighbor, your wife, your dog. On that note, believe it or not I have successfully disguised myself as 14 different breeds of dogs and maybe 7 or 8 domestic cats and once I even disguised myself as a Ostrich.

You can hire security guards to watch you 24 hours a day and seven days a week, but my friend I will tell you right now it won’t be enough to keep you safe. The moment you let your guard down and believe me you will, I will be there….And then it will be over my friend…Forever!

So, think long and hard next time you want to ask me about my day, long and hard. Perhaps take a few moments, go for a walk, really think it over and then get back to me on whether or not you really want to know, choose your words carefully my friend…Well? Do you really want to know?

Useful Gym Etiquette You Should Learn!

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So I had a bad experience at the gym yesterday, there was this new guy in there, one that I have never seen before, I always tend to go at the same times every day and the same regulars are always there, I feel comfortable with that group, we all do our own thing, they all seem to know what machines I’m working on or what weights I’m using and they never try to interfere, so simply put I like these people, they are my gym people.

But this new guy, he was small, older, didn’t look like a lifter, but he seemed to be bouncing around all over the place, he even got on my machines when I wasn’t using them, imagine the nerve!  Well needless to say this guy put me in a bad mood, I let it ruin my workout, I will never get big now.  But if anything good came out of this, it gave me something to write about, so I feel it’s once again time for me to write down the rules, my rules of how to properly behave while at the gym.

If you are a new to the gym scene, or perhaps an old timer that has never played nicely while at the gym…There are rules you need to follow, rules set by bigger, stronger men…And some scary women.

 

Gym Rule #845  “Your Voice”

If you’re going to talk while at the gym, you must do so in a loud, crisp voice.  Almost as if you’re having a verbal altercation with the person you are speaking to, you may put others at ease by occasionally laughing as you and your friend insult other men who are not in the gym at the moment.

Remember it’s not that you mean to be so manly all the time, it’s just a simple fact that you are.

Also keep in mind when other gymrats are shouting back at you, be sure to have you shaker bottle or a water jug in your hand so that you may hydrate yourself and give yourself an opportunity to flex your  “Guns…pew…pew…pew”  You may also want to up the game and do some  “Air Squats”  at the same time, this move will give you some valuable gym cred. Just in case you don’t already know, proper  “Gym Talk”  is much like ballet…You can enforce your dominance by performing pirouettes while vehemently insisting that such moves build flexibility, stamina and cardio endurance, all while you’re talking about which dudes you could kick the shit out of using your special moves.

 

 

Gym Rule #295  “Self-Control”

I am one of those that believe the theory of weight lifting is to take it slow, gradually build up weight each week and in doing so you should develop into a bigger, better, healthier version of yourself.  The new  “You”  should then be able to kick the crap out of smaller, more domesticated people. I mean come on, I hope that you wouldn’t put in all this time and effort into becoming a huge muscle commando, just to waste it by being content with your gains and just sit in a meadow somewhere reading poetry and trying to communicate with nature.

Now let me give you some serious advice, there is so much information out there about Bodybuilding and Weightlifting, some good, some bad.  But none of it will do you any good if you don’t follow one simple, but very important rule…”Listen to what your body is telling you.”  Forget what the magazines tell you, just listen to your body, if you are pushing it too hard and not giving yourself time to recover you are only going to hurt yourself, it will take longer to reach your goals and if your just starting out you may quit early because of just not taking the time to listen.

 

 

Gym Rule #623  “Having The “T” Juice”

Guess what…People who are at a gym or  “Church”  as I call it, make noise. We want to be heard, it shows Dominance, much like a Lion’s  “Roar”  in the Serengeti.  Gymrats will look in the mirror and scream at themselves, and yes it sounds like they are crazy, obsessive freaks of nature. Now an outsider could argue that their  “Gains”  speak for themselves. But let’s face it, if you are like me, we are all battling inner insecurities and building a shell of hardened, solid muscle, which makes us at times look like ballooned animals, who can’t find clothing that fits, and operating simple machinery a challenge.

I could argue that our culture teaches us that working out is good for our health, but forgets to mention that we need to get bigger than the other guy. It is important to push yourself, besides it’s the best drug on the market, that feeling you get after finishing that last hard set, feeling your muscles, thick and full, like they might burst…It feels…like…Victory !!

 

Gym Rule #002  “Size, Yes It Matters”

If you spend most of your time in the gym like I seem to do, you get used to seeing big guys, they don’t seem physically intimidating, these are your people. But if you’re not in the best of shape, perhaps you blame genetics, or evolution, whatever you tell yourself to make up for the fact you can’t build muscle, the muscle your body needs to detract from the breast like curves of your chest, your puffy teats and Sasquatch like hair that you use to disguise the fact you couldn’t lift a small child, even using both hands while lying on your back.

Some little people like to blame the big guys for not going to the gym, they feel intimidated, they don’t want to be made fun of, these are bullshit excuses. That’s like blaming the bartender for you driving drunk.  Size Matters, the size of the heart in you, the Size of the spirit inside you, the Size of the desire and the will to do something about it. Stop making excuses, it is a slow process, just be man enough to see it through.

 

Gym Rule #593  “Women In The Gym”

Having women in the Gym is a beautiful thing, there is nothing sexier than a woman that works out.  What you need to know about them is this, 99% have no desire to be hit on while they are working out…so don’t!  Guys if you sit and stare at them, you will be classified as the  “Creepy Guy”  So let me share a secret with you, the gym is full of mirrors, it is entirely possible to  “watch”  that Hot girl without getting yourself classified as the  “Creepy Guy”  it takes some practice to master it, but it is well worth the effort.

 

Gym Rule #240  “The Wipe Down”

Don’t do it. Don’t come with a towel. Real men allow their scent to permeate through any leather so as to ward off potential threats.

 

Gym Rule #813  “The Shower Scene”

If your gym doesn’t have private showers, and it’s just an open bay, be sure to follow the proper shower etiquette. Keep the small talk to a minimum, never turn directly towards the person you are talking to, no guy really wants to have a full frontal conversation with another guy.  And if you forgot your towel, don’t ask to use another man’s wet towel, that’s just weird and you will get the  “Creepy Guy”  classification.

 

Gym Rule #105  “Protein Farts”

They are deadly, avoid inhaling them at all costs!

 

Now that you read the rules, get your ass in the Gym and lift some shit !

A Chat With…The Woman On The Treadmill

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Excuse me, you remember me right?  We made eye contact here at the gym yesterday.  I was wearing my somewhat iconic  “You Can’t Ban These Guns”  t-shirt and you were wearing something blue-ish, or maybe green-ish, but whatever it was you looked great.

Does this ring any bells?

I will admit it was pretty packed in here yesterday, just like it is today, but I remember plain as day you were right here on this same treadmill.  If my memory serves me right, you were watching  “Keeping up with the Kardashians”  but no worries I won’t judge you for that.

I know it is a packed gym today, but still, there’s something about fate actually squeezing us next to each other on the treadmills…Oh, you didn’t notice me?

Well surely yesterday you must have noticed when our eyes met?  You were on this treadmill and I was sitting on the bench across from you, I was doing concentration curls?  You smiled at something on the show you were watching and looked up and I’m positive you caught me staring at you, I even gave you my trademark head move as if to say  “What’s Up”  then you looked down quickly, I just figured you didn’t want to seem like you were ogling me.

I was on the bench?  Doing concentration curls?

Oh, umm, well that’s okay.

Listen, I know you’re probably thinking this conversation is all a product of our patriarchal, misogynistic society and this is just a form of the male gaze and I’m probably viewing you as this unattainable object that can cure all my wants and desires, ending the nights of lonely slumber, or something of that nature.

Wait,  that is what you’re thinking?  And my self-awareness of the situation isn’t the least bit charming, but extremely creepy and self-indulgent?

Well…I can’t say that I necessarily agree with you. Side note, I didn’t expect the lady on the other side of you to be listening in on this, or that she would be vehemently shaking her head in agreement with you. I get it lady, you don’t need to take side here!

But back to the point…We had such a connection!

Like when you got done with the treadmill and went into the other room to do some stretches, I eventually followed you in there and started hitting the punching bag.  You picked up on that I was in there with you right?  I was watching you do the Downward Dog , that’s when I wasn’t paying attention to what I was doing a punched the metal bar on accident. I saw the look of empathy you gave me as I screamed out in pain, but I was a little shocked you got up and left the room after that, I felt for sure you were going to come nurse my hand and tell me everything would be alright, cause we are together now.

Oh, you had your ear buds in and didn’t hear anything? And you actually didn’t even notice me in there with you?

I guess I’m surprised you’re still on this treadmill, Yes, I know you’re trying to workout, but I just thought maybe you’re starting to feel the same connection now? Huh, well yes, this place does have a manager why?

Let me just apologize about my incessant sweating, it’s something I’ve carried with me my entire life. It’s somewhat of an identifying characteristic of mine, my friends always say “He always sweats, Don’t mind him”

Of course I’ve tried prescribed deodorant, but thanks for the suggestion, really, I’m like impervious to all forms of expertly hygienic mandated deodorants. Back in ninth grade my sweat stains were so dramatic that once a teacher asked me if it was raining outside. How we laughed (the other students, not me)

Do I seem like a  “sweaty perv”  as the kids would say?

Oh…I do? Well that’s pretty candid of you.

Wow, all this running on the treadmill seem like it takes forever to go a mile huh?

I want to share something with you, perhaps it will help you learn more about me. I haven’t cried in a long time.  And I’ve always believed that crying is good for everyone.  When you cry you open yourself to extreme emotions, often times negative.  And then when that whole thing is done you’re vulnerable and free, and then all those happy emotions can pour in and create a reason to keep moving along, sorta like this treadmill, speaking of you have really been running fast on yours, almost seems like your running from something.

What’s that? Oh yeah, my treadmill stopped a long time ago, but I wanted to ride this conversation out.

Look I am going to be perfectly blunt with you, I’m lonely. That much is clear. And we have seen each other a few times in this gym and sure it’s creepy that I know that, and I’m perpetuating an unreal reality that you can’t possibly fulfill, not with the expectations I put on myself and subsequently on you. It’s just, I feel a lot, and I want to share those feelings with someone and I want that someone to share their feelings with me. To exist completely and wholly together. To wave our hands through the silhouette sunrise. To just get coffee or something…What do you say?

No, no, no, don’t worry about it…I totally understand, I didn’t even see the ring, what a careless mistake on my part.

Hey, you don’t happen to have a sister do you?