The Good Old Days

thegoodoldaysyoucreeper

 

Do you remember back in high school or college…you know when you were young and had transportation, that time period. The nights you were supposed to be studying or doing homework or just about anything other than having fun, but you decided to take off to the next state and get ice cream or drinks. Whatever it is that you would leave the state for and not care at all.

Or how about those times when a friend would get a hold of you and say  “do you want to…”  and before they could finish the sentence you said  “Hell Yeah, Let’s Go”

When you were younger  “spontaneity”  was the name of the game. You didn’t need plans, just the willingness to see what would happen.

Now that you’re older, think about it, when was the last time you did something completely spontaneous? Something that wasn’t planned, something that didn’t fit into your 5 year plan, or something that took you outside the  “comfort zone”  you now live in?

So recently I had an opportunity to do something ridiculous, at first I decided against it (my comfort zone is very comfortable) but then I thought about it and decided what the hell, so I changed my mind at the last minute and said yes! It turned out to be a great decision and I’m glad I took the chance and jumped out of my “comfort zone”

Your life is composed of stories and memories. And when we reach our  “Game Over”  it won’t be about our high score but rather how much fun we had playing the game.

We don’t remember the times we stay late at work and missed our kids game, the test we aced but passed up a once in a lifetime concert, or the  “No Thanks”  we gave to a friend because an event had some uncertainty attached with it.

What we will look back on and remember are the nights with friends staying up late, the days we played  “hooky” from work and took our kids out for an adventure.

So here’s the challenge I’m putting out there for you all, start mixing some spontaneity back into your life, Stop saying  “No”  every time there is uncertainty and start adding a few  “Yes’s” to the mix. It might not always turn out perfectly, but it might also give you a life changing story and terrific memories.

So here’s to making today and everyday a day filled with adventure!

You Went For A Walk And Now You Are Lost!

youwentforawalkandnow

With all the technology at our disposal it seems like it would be almost impossible to get lost in the woods. But of course there are those good ol’ city folk out there that rarely step foot off the cement, let alone follow a dirt trail into the woods, so these are the people that could benefit the most from my “Woodland Survival Guide”  I intended for this simple guide to help even the most citified city folk survive getting lost in the great outdoors, and hopefully get you home in time for “House of Cards”

Now the first thing most wilderness experts will tell you if you get lost in the woods is not to panic, but this is bullshit, you should panic, fear is a great motivator, fear is what will keep you alive. Because if you don’t  “panic”  then when the bears find you they are going to turn your lack of panicking into their  “picnic” and you are the main course….So go ahead and Panic!

Okay, so you’re lost, you are gripped with fear and you’re really missing Starbucks right now, so what should you do? Once you realize that you are hopelessly lost, start dropping all your valuables and run, run as fast as you can. Leaving a trail of valuables will help you get located, not because anyone is looking for you, instead they are looking for the next valuable some idiot dropped on the ground, it may sound stupid, but hey stupid is what gets people found in the woods.

So, your running and dropping your valuables…try to capitalize on this blind, unreasonable fear your experiencing and sprint as hard and as fast as you can in any direction. Right now nothing else matters in life, not your family, not your job, not even your beloved cat, just run dammit!

Sometimes it helps if you keep repeating  “Dear God, this is not happening to me” over and over as you run. And I have been told by some city folk that they prefer to simplify it even further by repeating  “No…No… No”  over and over.  Now the logic in running as fast as you can and as far as you can is that eventually you won’t be lost anymore, you will either get rescued by someone collecting your valuables, or you will stumble upon a campsite or town.

So if leaving a trail of valuables and running as fast as you can doesn’t get you  “un-lost”  then no worries, don’t give up hope just yet. If you have a canteen, water bottle or flask of whiskey start taking big wasteful gulps, hell pour some out in honor of your dead homies. Perhaps you are now over your fear and have moved on to Hysteria, maybe you feel like collapsing to the ground like a little girl who lost her Barbie, maybe you are sobbing right now and snot is dripping from your nose, dammit you look pathetic, pull yourself together, you’re not dead…yet!

Anyways there will be time for that later when you accidentally stumble upon a mother bear and her cubs tearing apart a baby deer and you know that deer isn’t going to be enough to curb their appetite. But for now you still have a chance, look around you and take stock of the situation. Then you know what to do, that’s right start running again, put the pedal to the metal….Get the hell out of there!

Alright, since I have been bringing up bears and being attacked by bears and eaten by bears. What should you do if you come across a bear? First of all, don’t be shocked by the pitch and volume of your screaming, it’s okay, lots of people in your situation would do the same thing, but urinating on yourself? Come on man die with some dignity!

Okay, back to you screaming, go with it, they say it brings out your primal instincts. If that bear you are staring at starts charging you or seems aggressive in any way, you will need to use your head, you will have to outsmart this beast, so start running again, but this time right at the bear cub, grab it and hold it out in front of you, use it as a barrier between it’s really pissed off mother and you. Threaten to harm the cub, shake it, and maybe even spin it around like a little airplane, then release it and run like hell. Now some experts say a bear can run as fast as a horse for short distances, maybe it’s true, who knows, but I know what is a fact, that a man scared shit-less that is being chased by an angry bear can run as fast a cheetah, so don’t worry about it.

I guess I should mention what to do if the bear does somehow manage to catch you. So if the bear knocks you down and is standing over you, quickly grab it’s fur and pull yourself up its mammoth body until you can grab its mouth, it will probably be open so try to push it together the best you can so it has a hard time eating you, also while you’re up there you should try a head butting it, bears hate this. I learned that from a wooden Indian in Vegas. (Note: If the bear is really determined to eat you then you will be eaten, so it might be a good time to start yelling “No..No..No” again)

So if you were lucky and didn’t come across a bear, you will probably need to stop running and make a camp before it gets too dark out. So ideally you want to find some type of shelter that will keep you warm, dry and offer protection from deep, gouging puncture wounds usually associated with a nighttime bear encounter. I would suggest stacking log-pole pine tree’s into a log cabin style structure around eight or ten feet high. Cover it with a woven thatch and pine needle roof and seal the cracks between the log poles with mud or pine tar cement. If for some reason you are not able to achieve this before nightfall, which seems odd, because most men could handle that and still have time to craft a bed and mattress, but anyways if you can’t, then no worries, most bears and other creatures that could kill you sleep at night so you should be fine…probably.

You are probably getting hungry by now, you will need to maintain your energy so it would be a good idea to start looking for some food. You’re in luck, the woods can be an amazing provider and food is everywhere if you know where to look.

Now look around, look up, there in that tree, do you see it? It’s a tree rat, better known as a squirrel, they are everywhere, and they are easy to catch. Just sneak up on one that is feeding on the ground, grab it by the tail and fling it away from you as quickly as possible. With any luck it will hit its head on a rock and die for you. If by some unlucky chain of events it happens to land on you, quickly start running in a figure eight pattern while screaming  “Get it off me, Get it off me”  but nobody is there to get it off you , did you forget you are lost? But maybe, just maybe as your running around screaming the squirrel may fall off you and hit its head on a rock. Once you confirm it is dead, peel it open like a banana, pick out the gross parts you don’t want to eat and what you have left over is a protein rich source of nourishment which will help you keep running for a little bit longer.

So if you make it through your first day and night of being lost in the woods, you will awake with a new sense of purpose, you will suddenly feel like you can do anything. And after that wonder squirrel breakfast you’re ready to focus all your energy on getting yourself rescued. If you see plane or helicopter don’t try to flash anything shiny at them, this can cause blindness for the pilot and they are likely to fly into a mountain. The best way to get their attention is to start a fire, a big fire, hell if you need to burn down a thousand acres then do it, it’s all about survival right now. Also try to make smoke rings that is always cool and your rescuers will probably be pretty impressed with you.

And once you are finally spotted and you know help is on the way, try to remain calm, maybe say a prayer of thanks and take some time to get your story correct about what happened to the others that you were with…oh yeah…I forgot about them.

Looking Back At The Fourth Grade… According To My Scooby-Doo Journal

lookingbackatthefourth

 

I was going through some old stuff of mine from back when I was a little kid and I found my fourth grade journal…Yes, I kept a journal.  My parents got me a Scooby-Doo Mystery Club journal for my birthday and for some reason I used it.

Don’t judge me!  Anyways, here are some highlights from my time in fourth grade.

 

 

October 11, 1979

It was a difficult day. Stacy and Mariah were picking on me again at recess. My friend Danny tried to stop them but they chased him away with a metal lunch box. Stacy sprayed me with hair spray.

 

October 12, 1979

Another rough day at recess. Stacy and Mariah started messing with me again, this time their friend Amy joined in, they de-pants me and threw my Captain America lunch box on the school roof. The janitor told me he would not go up and get it, something about not being paid enough.

 

October 13, 1979

It rained today, had recess inside, I went to the bathroom and was jumped by Stacy, Mariah and Amy they managed to give me a swirly, my friend Jason tried to stop them but he was put into the trash can, Jason also peed his pants.

 

October 14, 1979

Stacy, Mariah and Amy all got into trouble for the bathroom incident, they all received corporal punishment, I saw Stacy crying in the hall, she told me she was going to kill me, then she spit on me. The principal saw this and spanked her again, I am in fear for my life.

 

October 15, 1979

Stacy, Mariah and Amy all came over to me at recess and apologized for their behavior, they asked me to go around the corner because they each wanted to give me a kiss. Going around the corner turned out to be a big mistake. Turns out there were three other girls there, Linda, Megan and Lori the six of them took turns kicking and punching me. My friend Jason heard my screams but peed himself for some reason and didn’t tell the teachers…I nearly died.

 

October 19, 1979

I am finally back to school, spent a few days recovering at home from my beating. I sat in the classroom during recess. Stacy, Mariah and Amy all stared at me through the window…it was very unsettling. My friend Jason kept me company, until he peed himself again and went to the nurse’s office.

 

October 21, 1979

I finally venture outside for recess, it went well, the girls appeared to have found someone else to pick on, my friend Jerry was assaulted underneath the slide, I think they broke his wrist. I was going to go help him but didn’t want to press my luck, was hoping the girls forgot about me.

 

November 2, 1979

It’s been pretty normal the last few days during recess, the girls don’t bother me anymore and I think I actually have a girlfriend now, Becky gave me a note asking me if I liked her, if I do I’m supposed to meet her before school by the monkey bars…I’m very excited.

 

November 3, 1979

I went to school early, went to the monkey bars to meet Becky, turns out it was a trap, I was surrounded by Stacy, Mariah, Amy, Becky and three other girls. Becky lied. They took turns beating me, Stacy took my shoes and threw them on top of the school. The Janitor told me he would not go get them.

 

November 8, 1979

It’s been fairly quiet since my last beating, the girls roam around at recess like a pack of wolves, looking for anyone who shows weakness. My friend Jason peed his pants again, not really sure about Jason anymore. To be safe I stayed near the teacher all of recess. She smells like cigarettes.

 

November 11, 1979

Today a new girl was at school, her name is Tina, she actually likes me, we hung out during recess, I told her about the trouble I had with the other girls and she said she would protect me. I think I love Tina.

 

November 12, 1979

Today at recess I was hanging out with Tina and Jason, when Stacy, Mariah and Amy came over to mess with us, Tina told them to go away, Stacy punched Tina in the face, Jason peed himself and I ran away but was tackled by Amy, she shoved dirt in my mouth.

 

November 15, 1979

It’s been a few days and Tina still hasn’t been back to school, I’m worried. At recess Stacy actually said Hi to me and didn’t hit me, not sure what is going on.

 

November 16, 1979

Today at recess Stacy, Mariah and Amy came over and sat next to me, Stacy even shared her fruit roll-up with me and we had fun, then before the bell rang Stacy kissed me on the cheek. I think I love Stacy.

 

November 19, 1979

Stacy and I hung out again at recess, we held hands and I even helped her and the other girls beat up Steve, I have never felt so alive. I think I’m part of the gang now.

 

November 22, 1979

Today Stacy, Mariah and Amy all took turns letting me touch their boobs, it really was the best day of my life.

 

December 2, 1979

Today Stacy and I got to second base behind the school, I’m worried because my friend Jason told me I might have gotten Stacy pregnant. I’m not ready to be a father but will do the right thing.

 

December 3, 1979

I told Stacy I wanted to marry her before the baby comes, she didn’t understand what I was talking about. I explained it to her, then she showed me her secret spot and explained it to me. Jason really doesn’t know anything about babies. But it was a great day, first time ever seeing a secret spot.

 

December 10, 1979

Today was a great day, Stacy and Amy kissed each other in front of me, then Mariah went to kiss Stacy but the Principal caught us, called my Mom, she wasn’t happy, she told me I couldn’t hang out with the girls anymore.

 

December 11, 1979

I do what I want, nobody can keep me from my love, Stacy and I de-pants Roger it was pretty funny, turns out he is uncircumcised which grossed everyone out, Roger cried a lot.

 

December 19, 1979

I heard a rumor that Tina would be back at school tomorrow, I’m concerned about what might happen, Stacy and I are doing very well, I don’t want to go back to the way things were. Plus Stacy told me I would get to see her secret spot this weekend.

 

December 20, 1979

The rumors were true, Tina showed up and at recess she tried to talk to me, Stacy got upset, she and Tina got into a fight, but this time Tina had a knife, she cut Stacy in the arm. Jason peed himself. Both Stacy and Tina got suspended. Amy told me she would watch over me, then she let me touch her boobs. I think I love Amy.

 

December 22, 1979

Amy and I hung out all recess, she even let me see her secret spot after I told her Stacy let me see hers, then I had to show her mine, she laughed a lot, some of the stuff she said hurt. But I still love her.

 

December 23, 1979

Stacy was back at school, so was Tina. At recess Stacy, Tina and Amy along with Mariah and even Becky all confronted me, they said I been cheating on all of them, I tried to explain that they let me touch their boobs and let me watch them kiss each other but that didn’t matter. My friend Jason came over to see what was going on Amy grabbed him and shoved dirt in his mouth, he peed his pants. Then all the girls began beating me, kicking me, Stacy even spit on me and told me she hated me, as I lay there crying, Amy came over and whispered in my ear that she still liked me, then she kicked me in the stomach. Looks like things are back to normal, but it sure was fun while it lasted.

How I Mastered Criticism!

howimasteredcriticism

 

I know this may come as a shock to some of you but sadly it’s true, I am not perfect.  There have been a few times in my life that I have made mistakes, so in that sense I’m just like the rest of you. I guess the rumors are true, we are all just human and despite out best efforts, we’re bound to make some poor choices now and again.

But I think the thing that distinguishes us as individuals is how we act once we discover that we made a mistake. I have been giving it a lot of thought the last twelve minutes and as far as I’m concerned, I think I handle it by keeping myself open to the feedback of others, then I allow myself to get incredibly defensive about that feedback and then I ultimately just disregard it, I have found this approach works best for me.

I think my approach is simplistic in its nature and easy to stick with. So for example, I welcome constructive criticism from a friend, family member or even a stranger, then without fail I become really, really touchy about it and then never take anyone’s suggestions to heart.

I don’t want to be the type of person that closes themselves off to the viewpoints of others. I feel my willingness to listen to other’s concerns while refusing to accept even the smallest portion of blame as one of my greatest strengths. I feel that I am comfortable enough with my own self to hear people out for at least 10-15 seconds before I eventually interrupt them, then become increasingly combative, then finally decide I really don’t want to hear another word of what they have to say as I storm off in a huff before they were able to finish talking. I consider this my signature move!

I have a motto which I live my life by…”Fiercely ignore honest critiques and focus intense hatred towards whomever may have offered them to me.”

No matter where I’m at, this is how I operate…home, gym, kid’s schools, Walmart.  It doesn’t matter if I’m talking with my neighbors, talking to a group of concerned friends and family members or playing in my Sunday Dungeons and Dragons League game night.  I feel communication is extremely vital in every part of my truly blessed life. I want people to feel like they can come to me and say whatever is on their little minds, that way I can convince myself that their feeble argument is groundless and then I will contradict them vehemently while all the while failing to give their ideas even a moment of my time.

Here is a good example of how my way of dealing with others opinions works, a few days ago, I had a friend with me at the gym, he asked me if I would hurry up and finish using the curl rack so he could do some squats (Yeah I use the squat rack to do curls, that’s how I roll) So as soon as the last word left his mouth, I began angrily attempting to justify why I use the squat rack to do curls in and I ended up insinuating the fault really lay with him.  I then dismissed his opinion as biased and self-serving and most importantly, I neglected to alter my curling habits in any way….Feedback Received!

So I invite you to try me….If you notice an area in which I could stand to improve and feel like having absolutely no impact on my behavior, just let me know. I’m all ears when it comes to taking criticism, stewing about it and then somehow deflecting it back as quickly and rudely as possible while letting my resentment take the place of any actual change.

And on top of that, I may choose to vilify you as a person and discount your opinion simply because you had the nerve to express it. And be warned I may hold a grudge for weeks or even months. I may ask, what the hell do you know about anything, anyways?

It’s this attitude that’s gotten me where I am today.

So friends, feel free to pop in anytime you would like to incite my rage and bitterness. I will be happy to disregard any thoughts you may have. Have a great day.

I Once Flew To Vegas With A Biker Named Stumpy!

ionceflewtovegaswithabikernamedstumpy

 

My best piece of advice for you and something I learned the hard way when I was younger, it is always, always in your best interest to carry a weapon with you.  Never leave your home without a weapon.  Look at me right now, I just got through airport security and I even have a weapon, but I’m not going to show you it because I don’t know if you’re a lil bitch or anything yet.  But anyways if you remember anything about this talk just remember  “Stumpy”  told you to carry a weapon…Got it?

No matter what type of business transactions you find yourself involved in always ask for cash up front and if they don’t have it then you wait until they do, never give someone credit or a loan, you are just pissing money away.

Speaking of money, keep your money stashed somewhere safe.  Don’t screw around with banks, they are the biggest bunch of criminals out there.  I always go hide my cash somewhere at my mom’s house nobody goes there and I know she won’t be looking for it.  And whatever you do don’t ask your ol’ lady to hold on to it for you, chances are you won’t see it or her again.

And speaking of ol’ ladies, if you ever get your ass hitched with one make sure you keep the receipt ya know what I mean, just in case she is hiding something or end’s up crazier than a three dollar bill.  And let me tell you another thing I learned the hard way when it comes to them ladies you can never be totally sure if one of them doesn’t have a penis tucked away, so always give them a good inspection before you drive it home, know what I’m saying?

If you are ever hurting for some green, you know cash…You can ask a buddy who has a dog to let it attack you, make sure it chews you up real good, then you go down to city hall and threaten to sue them because they don’t have a good animal control service, you know what I mean right? A dog catcher.

My second cousin Pete did it, the city settled with him right away now he is living the good life in Bullhead City selling bootleg Oakley sunglasses to tourists. It totally works….trust me.

Never buy, sell, or do Meth. My friend Rico did that and now he walks around Vegas in his underwear collecting cans and eating out of dumpster, fuck that shit.

Oh yeah don’t mess around with Crack either, you will end up dead. Trust me…dead! Maybe you won’t, I don’t know…I’m drunk right now but you will probably end up dead.

If you ever have any disposable income, you know extra cash burning a hole in your pocket. Invest it in defense companies, we are always going to be blowing some third world shithole up so that’s always a good return for your money.

Karate or Kick Boxing can always be listed on job applications as a special skill, it looks badass and who knows that might just land you a job.  Also say you speak Russian, chances are they don’t speak it so they won’t know you’re just babbling on in some bullshit language you just made up.

Never trust the government, they don’t trust you so don’t trust them.  Don’t vote and don’t pay your taxes, chances are they will never know, I have never paid taxes and look at me I’m doing just fine.

Another thing I learned the hard way is never let a dude sleep in the same bed as you, I don’t care how rough and tumble he might seem you’re always going to wake up being spooned, and that is something you don’t want to wake up too….Trust me!

If someone ever pays you to do a torch job on some building make sure you bring more than one lighter, nothing more embarrassing than to be sitting there in the dark surrounded by gasoline trying to rub two rocks together to get a spark.

If there’s one place you should visit before you die, it should be the bunny ranch outside of Vegas. You better bring lots of money, but trust me they will treat you right. And my sister works there so it’s always like a family reunion when I go.

I’ve never been any good at this modern technology stuff, but something I did learn that I can share with you is if you ever get an email from a Nigerian Prince claiming to have a bunch of money for you or if you get an email from a dignitary in Zimbabwe that has a palace he wants to sell you dirt cheap I would go with the dignitary from Zimbabwe, a palace sounds pretty amazing, but I can’t do anything about it right now since I don’t have a bank account but if you get one of those emails I would say act fast.

And lastly you should try to invent something, maybe an electrified surf board so sharks don’t attack surfers.  There have been a lot of shark attacks lately so that would be something to look at, are you handy at all?  I think you would make a fortune, but if you do I think I should get at least ten percent off the top since it was my idea. I consider myself an ideas man, I come up with the stuff and let other people make it happen and as long as I get my share it’s all good, I would hate to show up on evening to your home and break your legs, cause I like you, but I will totally break your legs, it’s just business, nothing personal.

Something Is Better Than Nothing!

somethingisbetterthannothing

 

So I would like to believe I’m one of those people that will give 100% no matter what it is I’m doing…But, like most people,  Once in a while I find myself in circumstances beyond my control and giving 100% just isn’t an option.

During these times it might seem easier just to do nothing, I have a valid excuse right? But I like to lean towards doing “something”  It is better than nothing, perhaps you disagree and maybe you think 100% effort in everything you do is possible… I’m just trying to be realistic.

So when it comes to bettering yourself, doing  “Something”  is almost always better than nothing at all.  Unless the “Something”  you’re thinking of happens to be  “eating Doritos while watching Oprah re-runs”  or  “Calling the Psychic Hotline for fitness advice”…The most difficult part of getting healthy can simply be making the first move.

Taking the first step out of your house for a run…

Mixing up the first ingredients for a healthy meal…

Saying  “No”  to that first tasty doughnut at work…

Waking up earlier than usual so you have time to exercise…

Or in my case this evening, taking the time to write this article, I told myself I would spend a certain amount of time each day to writing, it’s my therapy, my release and sticking with it even when I feel like doing something else is important in many ways.

The argument could be made that taking the first step is even more crucial if you’re  “just”  getting started for the first time. If you’re overweight, out of shape, and having a rough time in your life. The thought of exercising on a daily basis probably seems daunting to you. If you’ve never run a mile before, a marathon probably seems like some fantasy that only imaginary people run.  Or what If you’re trying to get out of the thousands of dollars of credit card debt you find yourself in, saving a few dollars here and there might seem like a waste of time.

Keeping your head screwed on tight during these stressful times is also important. Remember to keep your composure, and think to yourself that something is better than nothing at all.

If you don’t have time for a full workout, Do half of it.

You can’t do a full push up, Do half of one.

Can’t run a full mile, Walk it (this is what I usually do… Hate running)

If you’re going out of town and there’s only bad food. Do the best you can to eat healthy for as many meals possible

If you can’t pay off $200 bucks a month. Do $100 or $50 or even $25

So..Is  “Something”  really better than Nothing?

You might be thinking.. “This just seems like a lot of half-assing going on here”  and what ever happened to giving it your best in everything you do?

Okay let me clarify this shit, you’re not half-assing it if you can’t do something all the way for a legitimate reason. For example. Weather, unexpected work projects, your kid gets sick, flight delays, food poisoning, whatever.. “Shit Happens and Life Doesn’t Always Go According To Plan”

So in these types of circumstances, I would advocate for “Something” over doing nothing at all.

We humans are creatures of habit, each day we make decisions that will either take us one step closer or one step farther from our goals. When our goal is trying to get into shape, working on good eating habits and positive reinforcement is a key factor for having long-term success.

If you tell yourself it’s okay to  “skip just this one workout” the next time you have a conflict arise it will just be that much easier to “I’ll skip just this one too”.

But… If you can drag your ass out the door for a workout even when you really don’t want to, it will be easier to convince yourself  “Hey, I did it last time, I can do it this time as well”

So it doesn’t matter if you don’t have time for the whole workout, Half of it is so much better than none at all. Not only are you burning more calories than you would if you skipped it and you’re also planting an  “I’m getting my ass healthy”  seed in the front of your mind for the rest of the day. Which hopefully will influence you to make other good choices throughout the day as well.

It can be easy for us all to get overwhelmed at times by looking too far ahead into the future and freaking out. Take things one small change at a time, one day at a time and focus on putting one foot in front of the other…You can figure the rest out as you go.

So this turns out to be the easiest part to try and explain to you, but might be the hardest part to implement.

Shut Up…Stop Complaining…Stop Making Excuses…Suck It Up. And Do Something…Do Anything!!

“No one believes your excuses except for you”

We all have crappy situations and circumstances that we are dealing with in our lives, Not enough time, Too tired, Bad day at work, Girlfriend cheated on me, Lost my job, My cat ran away. Whatever. These things will only be your downfall if you let them. If you really want to start living a better life, you will need to stop using these excuses as crutches to make yourself feel better about avoiding your responsibilities.

So go do something…Go do anything.

If you haven’t exercised in a month or so, go for a walk on your lunch break. If you have eaten 20 unhealthy meals in a row, make tonight the first healthy meal. If you usually chain smoke 30 cigs a day, aim for 29 or 28.  Aim to be better, no matter how small the difference is. Every little bit counts, every little bit helps.

Now Get Started and Have a Kick Ass Day!!

Montana(ish) Humor

montanaishhumorposts

 

Montana(ish) Humor

 

The Helena Diner

So this guy stops by a local Helena diner around noon, it’s the busiest time of the day, so he goes and sits down at the counter and asks the waitress for a cup of coffee. So the waitress, who grew up on the rough streets of Butte, Montana gives him his coffee then rushes off to help the other customers who are having lunch there at the diner.

Now the guy who ordered coffee likes to use both creamer and sugar in his coffee, but the container for both of them are empty. When the waitress rushes by him, he asks her to bring him some cream and sugar for his coffee. But the waitress, who is now busier than ever forgets about the man’s request and rushes by him again taking food to other customers.

When she passes the cabinet where the extra sugar and cream is kept , she puts her plates down and grabs some sugar cubes and creamer, then puts both of them in her bosom since both her hands are full. When she served her plates to the other diners she returned to the man and asks him “How many sugar cubes did you want in your coffee?”  The man says, “Two is fine”  she reaches into her bra and pulls out two sugar cubes and into hos coffee cup she drops them. “And cream?”  she asks. The man looks at her right in the eyes and says  “You wouldn’t dare!”

 

 

Helena’s Bad-Ass Staci

A teacher at Helena Middle School gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. So the next day the kids came back to class and one by one began to tell their stories.

Peggy said, “My Dad is a Chef and we have to go to the store all the time to buy food for his restaurant. One time we went to a local farmer to buy a bunch of eggs for the restaurant, we placed all the eggs in a basket in the back of our truck, but on the way back Dad had to swerve to miss a deer in the road, but all the eggs went flying everywhere and got broken, causing a huge mess.”

“And what’s the moral of the story?” asked her teacher…

“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket!”

“Excellent” her teacher said.

“Okay, Annie, your turn” said the teacher, Annie said… “Well my parents are the ones that own the farm that Peggy and her Dad bought the eggs from. We usually just raise chickens for the meat, then sell them to local stores. But there was this one time when we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only had ten live chicks. So the moral of the story is don’t count your chickens until they are hatched” 

“That was a very good story Annie”  said the teacher.

“Billy, do you have a story to share?”

“Well yes I do, my Dad told me this story about my Aunt Staci. Now Aunt Staci was born and raised in Helena, and after high school she joined the Army and was an Apache helicopter pilot during the war in Iraq, her helicopter got hit and she had to make an emergency landing in enemy held territory and all she had on her was a bottle of Jack, an M4 rifle and a bayonet. So she drank the whiskey and then headed out towards her base in Baghdad. But on her way she ran across 85 enemy troops, who engaged her in a firefight, she ended up killing seventy-five of them with her M4, but ran out of ammo, then she charged the remaining ten enemy troops and killed seven of them with her bayonet until it broke when she shoved it into one of their skulls, she then killed the last three enemy troops with her bare hands, she even bit off one guys ear and kept it as a souvenir”

“Holy Cow”  the shocked teacher said  “What kind of moral did your Dad tell you from that horrible story?”

“Don’t fuck with Aunt Staci when she has been drinking”

 

 

The Montana Tax Genie

Now there was a Hipster from East Helena who went to a dude ranch outside Bozeman, he decided to go riding a horse off in the woods by himself, but he got lost, and spent several days wandering around the woods without food or water.

The Hipster started to get weak and he fell off his horse, the horse then took off without him. Being that he was too weak to walk he began to crawl through the woods, he was certain the end was near, then all of the sudden the Hipster sees an object sticking out of a hole in the ground. It appeared to be an old briefcase. He open it and out pops a Genie.

But this was no ordinary Genie. She was wearing a Montana State Revenue Service ID badge and wore a dull grey dress, she also had a calculator in her hand.

She had a pencil tucked behind one of her ears. The Genie said  “Well, what do we have here? Looks like a Hipster to me. Anyways you know how this works, you have three wishes”

The Hipster said  “I’m not falling for this”  then he said  “I’m not going to trust some state tax collector Genie”

The Genie said  “Well Mr. Hipster, what do you have to lose? You have no transportation and it looks to me like you don’t have much time left anyways”

The Hipster thought about it for a minute and decided that the Genie was right…”Ok, I wish I was in a Starbucks with all the Latte’s and Biscotti’s I could handle”

************POOF*************

The Hipster finds himself in the Starbucks in Helena, Montana. He is surrounded by Venti sized Pumpkin Spice Latte’s and Silver platter’s full of Biscotti’s and plenty of apron wearing Barista’s to cater to his every wish.

“Ok, Hipster boy, what’s your second wish?”….The Hipster then said  “I wish that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams”

***************POOF***************

Then the Hipster finds himself surrounded by ornate treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems…”Alright, Hip Boy, you have just one last wish…Better make it a good one” said the Genie.

Now the Hipster thought about it for a few minutes, then he said…”I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women want and need me”

**************POOF**************

The Hipster then turned into a Tampon.

The moral of the story….If the Montana State Revenue Service offers you anything, there is always going to be a string attached!

My Sweet Montana Summer…How I Miss Thee!

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Dearest Montana Summer,

I miss you! I know you are long gone now, I can’t help but think maybe it was my fault, do you feel I took you for granted? Maybe I did, it’s hard to say, things were so crazy, and it all seemed so damn short. But please know this, I love you and need you more than ever right now! Please, please come back!

I remember when you first showed up in my life, I was cold and angry, so when you showed up everything changed for me, I was happy again and was able to finally put that crazy bitch of a Winter behind me and move forward with my life. I use to comment on how beautiful I thought you were, even my friends kept saying  “Isn’t summer in Montana beautiful?”  Well the question was rhetorical, of course you are beautiful and your radiant energy was infectious.

When you showed up, I no longer hid myself indoors, usually laying in my bed in the fetal position, hidden under several blankets and crying, always crying. But thanks to you I got out more and I experienced all the sensual pleasures life offered to me, you truly brought out the best in me.

I remember sharing that first exhilarating sudden downpour with you, I got so hot and sticky, the sweat and rain made for a rapturous moment indeed. I will be honest, that very first one we shared together I kind of panicked, I started to run for my car, but then I just gave in, and allowed myself to be caught up in the moment, I gave in to you and I was never happier, I remember dancing in the rain, it was a moment I will never forget. I had that ridiculous grin on my face as I drove home, I may have even shed a tear of joy that day.

Some people say that love, especially new love makes us do crazy things and as I look back on our time together I can’t help but think some of the things you compelled me to do in those early days of your arrival were really not in my best interest. Like when I left the house barefoot because I wanted to feel your warmth on my feet, which was great until I stepped on that nail and had to go to the hospital so they could remove it. I know I blamed you, I said things I regret, I wish I could take back those words now, and who knows maybe you would have wanted to stay around longer. But I knew when I met you that you were a free spirit, you couldn’t be tamed, I knew one day you would move on.

Looking back I am not really sure when it happened. At first I felt so lucky to have you in my life, but as time went on, things changed, I know I got lazy, perhaps at times I thought you were too much to deal with, at times I ignored you, and then it became a routine.

I feel ashamed to admit this, but there were even a few times when I said some negative things about you. Honestly, I found myself getting overwhelmed by you. The warmth and energy that I had appreciated so deeply in the beginning….Well, it became stifling and unwanted. I had thoughts running through my head of something new, I needed to experience something a little darker, perhaps even a little more mysterious. Yes, I admit it, you were right when you accused me of talking to Autumn, but it was just a brief flirtation, I really didn’t know what I wanted at the time….I was so confused.

I knew you thought there was something going on, I became distant, aloof. And I admit I didn’t even notice that you were slowly pulling yourself away from me, and when I finally did figure it out it was too late and my heart was filled with regret, I was disloyal to you, the one thing that truly brought so much happiness and joy into my life and I screwed it up. I was a mess, I know I acted like nothing was bothering me, but on the inside I wanted your warmth on me again, I longed for it, but I knew it was too late.

I will never forget that night I woke up alone, cold, shivering and I realized you had left for good, I felt lost, truly lost without you. I miss you so damn much. My life is just a cold wasteland without you, please forgive me.

My sweet Montana Summer, I really am sorry I took you for granted. I shiver when I think about life without you. But even in these darkest of days, my love endures for you, all I can do now is hope you will make your way back this way one day. There will always be a place in my heart for you.

Missing You,

Cold and Shivering in Montana

What Your Child Can Expect With That Unisex Name You Gave Him!

whatyourchildcanexpectwiththat

What Your Child Can Expect With That Unisex Name You Gave Him!

 

He will be toughened up by the near daily beatings he will receive.

If he is lucky when he goes to college he might get assigned to the female dormitory.

 He can expect direct-mail marketing from Victoria Secret.

 Getting selected from the backstage list to meet the band.

 More daily beatings.

 Score an interview for Hooters.

 Can be a little bitch and get out of selective service.

 Becomes an excellent public speaker after years and years of explaining to people that there are lots of men named Robin in France. 

 Will learn to accept the looks of disappointment when assigned to study groups when the other guys discover you aren’t a girl.

 Can date a female with the same name.

 Won’t have to change their name after gender re-assignment surgery.

 And even more daily beatings.

Occasions When Profanity Is Acceptable!

occassionswhenprofanityisacceptable

 

I am not a fan of people using profanity, I think it makes you look stupid and whatever message you’re trying to get across will get lost as I focus on your use of potty words instead of big boy words. Basically, I will think your just a dummy and won’t care what your trying to say. But every now and again there is a time and place for the occasional profanity laced tirade and just so there isn’t any confusion on your part I will give you some examples of when it’s okay to bust out your potty words.

 

The Day After Your Mom’s Birthday

Sometimes with everything that goes on in our lives, we can occasionally forget things. But forgetting your Mom’s birthday is a major faux paus or in regular people talk, a major screw-up! Usually the second you realize your mistake, it is socially acceptable to let loose a few expletives and then immediately call the florists to deliver an  “I’m sorry, please let me still be your son”  bouquet.

 

When You Think Your Farting But It Turns Into Sharting

If you have never been faced with this embarrassing situation consider yourself fortunate. Sharting happens when a person gets lazy and underestimates a fart, the results are usually disastrous. What may have seemed like a simple passing of internal gasses turns out to be a special delivery your britches weren’t expecting. If this does happen to you, feel free to let the cuss words fly, but just try not to draw to much attention to yourself as you race to the bathroom for an emergency butt cleanup.

 

When You Drop Your New Phone Into The Toilet

It can happen to the best of us, your sitting on the toilet, dropping the kids off at the pool, you got your phone out, cause that’s what you do when you go Poo, next thing you know you’re trying to swipe left on Tinder and your phone drops into the toilet, you stand-up in hurry to check it out and see that it’s firmly wedged into one of your freshly minted turds. At this point it is almost mandatory that you unleash an unholy, obscenity laced, verbal tirade regarding the situation you now find yourself in.

 

Driving Distracted Due To Hot Babe

With warmer weather, there are going to be more Hot Babes out walking around in skimpy summer clothing, and if you’re a dude you understand what a distraction they can be in general, but even worse when you’re driving.  For example, you’re driving down the road and suddenly you become hypnotized by and excellent female rear end, she is wearing booty shorts and a bikini top, so naturally as hard as you try you cannot take your eyes off her. Then suddenly your world comes to an abrupt halt, your car is now wrapped around a tree. In this moment feel free to curse your stupidity and the ever dangerous female bootay!

 

For The Guys: Anything Involving The Family Jewels Being Harmed

Yes, there is a valid reason they are called  “The Family Jewels” and it’s because they are precious.  There is no easy way to say it but getting hit in the groin area is automatically a free pass for guys to scream out obscenities. You could be at a church for your Niece’s baptism and if someone accidentally whacks you in the Jewels it totally fine to scream out some profane thoughts.

 

Wheel Of Mis-Fortune

You finally get on that game show you have been trying to get on the last ten years, you have been lucky all night getting good spins and Vanna have been turning the letter’s over just for you it seems. Now you’re in the bonus round and all you have to do is solve the puzzle, you know what it is, you have all the letters, Hell, everyone knows what it is, your girlfriend/wife is already thinking of ways to spend that money you’re going to win….And you pronounce it incorrectly, Pat Sajak looks at you like you’re an idiot, Vanna turns away from you in disgust, your girlfriend/wife just sent you a text, she dumped you..Yeah feel free to let those Bleeps fly, you deserve it buddy!

 

Dropping Your Friends Newborn

Perhaps it’s true you have never been known for your ball-handling skills, your friends all know that. So why would they even tempt fate, and let you hold their new baby? Basically they have nobody to blame but themselves. But perhaps you shouldn’t have tossed the baby in the air like a football, but in your effort to throw caution and the baby to the wind, you caught nothing but societies utter disgust, and to your friend. Err, ex-friend you have now become a Monster. As soon as that baby bounced off the floor it was acceptable to run out of the room, letting F-bombs fly behind you.

Remember, using profanity in your everyday conversations is never cool, but when faced with one of these circumstances it is perfectly acceptable to let the potty words flow freely.