A Guy’s Guide To Surviving An Argument.

 

We men have done some pretty amazing things throughout history, just going back the last hundred years look at all the cool stuff we achieved…We American’s landed on the beaches of Normandy and kicked the Nazi’s assess back to Germany, We put a man on the moon, We won the cold war and we have remained the undefeated world champs at football, you know real football, American football…of course we never play any other countries but that doesn’t matter because we are Americans and we do what we want.

Now the point I’m trying to make is that as men, we have faced incredible odds and overcame those odds to achieve our goals, we have faced numerous enemies in the past like Germany, Japan, Russia and came out victors. But now it’s time that we men form a strategy to take on our fiercest advisory yet, the one that strikes fear in millions of men each and every day…It’s time we face our greatest challenge, something we have never been able to successfully master, and that’s winning an argument with a female.

Let’s face it guys when it comes to women we lose every argument that we are ever involved in, even if we “technically”  win, we still lose. In my opinion arguing with a female is pointless, just like washing your car in the rain, it makes no sense, but we end up doing it anyways.

So as a male, I would like to see us men achieve finally achieve victory in the war of angry words, I have really been giving it a lot of thought the last forty five minutes and I’m pretty sure I have come up with a viable solution when we are faced with our worst nightmare, a female who wants to argue with you. Think of arguing like a Chess game, you need to think a few moves ahead, it’s about strategy and remaining calm, don’t let your emotions control the game.  My plan isn’t perfect but neither are you so that’s why it’s perfect.

 

Move One: Remove Logic

Usually when you are in an argument with a female logic isn’t used by everyone, don’t allow yourself to be handicapped by it.

 

Move Two: Never Compromise Your Beliefs

I learned a long time ago that as soon as I offered a compromise to an angry female, it was like blood in the water, the shark gets in a frenzy and attacks everything. I was told by a female friend that as soon as a guy compromises the female thinks if they can get you to concede to one thing they will be able to get you to quit on everything.

 

Move Three: Sometimes It’s Okay To Take Cheap Shots

We have all been there, we are caught up in an argument and the girl will randomly insult you with something that has no relevance to the argument. That is a power move on their part, to wear you down and break your spirit. Once they go there it is okay for you to defend yourself with your own cheap shot. Tell her she reminds you of your mom, I’ve been told that really upsets them.

 

Move Four: Note Historical References

When you start throwing historical references out during an argument, this is like being sprayed with bear spray, it will confuse and disorient your opponent.

 

Move Five: Disrupt And Interrupt

Think about it, if you disrupt the flow of her argument by interrupting her, then she can’t talk. And girls hate that, sort of like how they hate other girls, which is just as confusing and funny in a weird way.

 

Move Six: Don’t Get Too Serious

Listen don’t take this arguing stuff too seriously, try to add levity to the situation by laughing when she tries to make her point. Chances are she will start laughing as well, and the argument will be over…Or there is also the chance once you start laughing she might grab a sharp object and stab you in the heart.

 

Move Seven: Never Fall For “Let’s stop arguing please”

This is an age old tactic of the females, it is their way of making you let your guard down, then they jump on you like a band of spider monkeys, and you will lose! Instead say something like  “Yes, I think we both know I’m right so no point going any further”  Again, you run the risk of being stabbed in the heart with something pointy.

 

Move Eight: Compare Her To Another Female

This is a dangerous move, but when you feel like you’re about to lose, mention to her that one of her friends is much more compassionate than her, this will instantly disorientate her, it will give you a chance to take back control of the situation. Again, you may be stabbed in the heart and face by something sharp and pointy. Be Vigilante

 

Move Nine: Don’t Be Afraid To Cry

We all know that’s their main move when they start losing an argument, so beat her to it. Start crying as soon as the argument starts and don’t stop until your taking your victory lap.

 

Move Ten: Checkmate

Since no guy likes arguing, and we all know we never win anyways, forget about Moves 1 thru 9, and just immediately say you’re Sorry, tell her you love her and remember being right isn’t worth losing or hurting someone you love. Checkmate

Everyone Seems To Have A Podcast But Me….Time To Change That!

 

So I see everyone has a podcast except me, well I’m going to change that really soon. My podcast will be so Awesome everyone will want to tune in.

Now I realize I have no idea how to do a podcast, or what’s involved in making one, but why should I let that stop me.

I will probably make my podcast a funny one, you know keep it humorous and all. If people want to listen to drama and negativity then they should just get back together with their ex. Maybe, I will get a co-host and do some classic I Love Lucy style banter, I guess I can pretend I’m Cuban, now all I need is a female Ginger to play the Lucy part. We can talk about current events, or what we did last night, what movies we may have seen, and maybe I can get into a relationship with the Ginger and then we can hash out our differences on air, that would make for great podcast material.

I imagine at some point my podcast will become one of the five best podcast on the internet, I will probably have millions of loyal followers, who won’t be able to get enough of me. Sure, it might take a while to get that kind of audience, but I can’t see any reason why I wouldn’t get on ITunes right away, Well, most likely. Who knows maybe I can get my friend Pete to start a website, and then he can have my podcast archived on the website that way people can go there and get my shows for free, at least at the start, then I will start charging $4.99 for a subscription. Maybe you are thinking $4.99 doesn’t sound like much. But believe me it will add up fairly quickly. $4.99 times a hundred thousand…you do the math, cause that’s a lot.

So to build my audience, I will have to get creative. Maybe I can do different characters, it will have a “In Living Color” theme about it. Except I will be in every sketch. I guess the only issue that could arise is that I really can’t do different voices or anything, maybe I could do my famous impression of Arnold Schwarzenegger, it comes in pretty handy when I’m at the gym. I also can do a fairly decent Monica from the sitcom Friends, but sometimes in the wrong company it can get pretty awkward.

Well, no matter what, you will defiantly want to experience my podcast as often as you can. And I really don’t think the word “Experience” is too strong of a word to use, because it really will be an experience. That is once I figure out how to record the podcast of course. But really, how hard can it be, right?

Here is another idea, what if I did more of a music type podcast? I could interview musicians after they play their latest hits. I think that sounds pretty amazing. I realize I would probably have to start off with local high school musicians until things started to take off, then I could get the big names in the music industry to stop by and play a few song and chat with me for a while. I think I will try to book Vanilla Ice as one of my first guests. Maybe he could even make up and opening soundtrack for my podcast. Wouldn’t that be pretty amazing?

I’m already getting pretty excited, it will be so great once folks start coming up to me and saying things like “Are you that podcast guy?” or “I’m a huge fan, can I get my picture taken with you?” Then of course I imagine there will be the crazy groupie women hanging around me all the time, but I’m okay with that. After all, celebrities like me need to keep the fans happy.

I have been trying to come up with a catchy name for my podcast, but how do you just pick one? It’s like impossible for me to do that. Maybe I will just call it “The Most Amazing Podcast Ever” I think that is pretty straight to the point. Or if I do a music type podcast maybe I can call it “Tune In” I still am playing around with the names.

I have so many ideas for this podcast just swirling around in my head, it’s kind of hard to focus right now. Here is an idea, maybe for the entire show I just yell out everything, kind of like I’m angry, but I won’t be, which will make it unique. Or I can randomly have someone fill in for me and see how long it takes for the audience to figure out it isn’t me. Another idea I had was to do something like an ambush podcast, where I will follow someone and then start asking them questions, they will be caught off guard and it will make for a great podcast, maybe I will interview them using my Monica voice, which might even be better yet.

I hope you can pick up on my enthusiasm for this podcast idea, and believe me when I say it will be launching soon. I’m excited that I will be bringing my patented brand of …well… whatever it will be to the world. That is once I figure a few things out, like how to record stuff and what, exactly I’m going to say. But I will probably start it in September of 2017. And I will for sure let everyone know once it’s “On Air” that way you won’t miss a show. And maybe, just maybe, with your help I will get to the number one slot on… well…whatever the podcast network is called.

So if you have a podcast, you better look out because I will be on the air soon. It will take the Internets by storm, most likely.

 

 

 

 

Stop Your Techno Rudeness!

And Rant engaged….I’m growing to hate cell phones and computers more and more every day, basically all technology is evil in my opinion today, my opinion will most likely change by tomorrow, but for today, it’s evil.

I am even mad at the guy who invented cell phones, whoever it may be, oh I’m sure when the idea of being able to communicate no matter where you were was great at the time, a utopia of connectivity. But the truth of it is far different, this mobile technology has created a society of downward-gazing nincompoops. And I can envision world were increased technology has caused people’s elbows to fuse, there will no longer be joints at the elbows, your arms will be nothing more than skin covered tripods to aid us in taking terrible pictures of food, (food that nobody cares about but you) and of children (if you’re not related to the kid, nobody cares, and even if your related they don’t care) and of your significant others (seemingly just to provide photographic proof to your friends that this person does truly exists)

Why has it become so important that we must configure our lives around the notion that we must remain in all social circles at all times? Call me cold-hearted, but I don’t care if you cousin just had twins. I’ve never been a fan of other people’s kids anyways and there’s a pretty high probability that if I’m not in constant contact with your cousin already, then I probably don’t like her either. Unless your cousin and you are naked don’t send me the pictures.

And since I’m on a roll now, let me also make you aware that I honestly don’t care what you ate for lunch, unless you’re eating your lunch naked, then I might be interested.  I really, really don’t care at all how  “gangsta”  or  “thug”  you think you are crouching next to your  “pimpin”  ride, I will just laugh at you and probably make insulting memes out of your pictures.  Also let me be clear, I have never claimed to be unique in my distaste for these things, I only claim to be much angrier and annoyed about them.

I’m not totally against all forms of sharing and staying connected, it’s reasonable to stay closely connected with long-time friends, our significant others (if I had one) and of course kids.  But why must your phones remain on the table while we drink coffee?  Have you suffered some type of emotional trauma in the past when you looked at your phone after it was in your purse or pocket and saw that you got a new  “Like”  or text message and missed it?  Do you feel safer knowing that if for one  “Nano Second”  I don’t somehow enthrall you, then you can grab your phone and be stimulated momentarily by some duck-facing tart on your news feed?

I say if you want to communicate with me in person, that would be fantastic and at the same time soul-crushingly rare. But if you are one of the masses to whose hand an electronic device must always be fused to, then please do us a favor before engaging in actual conversation, take that phone and shove it up your rear end. I imagine that picture of your bowels will get dozens of  “likes”  within minutes.

Insane Eddie’s Fun Facts About Life!

 

Here is a crazy fact about life…It’s full of people!

Since your life most likely consists of interactions with these people, how you treat them and how they treat you are pretty damn important.

So now that we know that life is full of people, perhaps that means life is about other people?  You should right now accept this as a fact, because life is truly about other people, the more you embrace this and act accordingly, the better off you will be.

So would you like more happiness in your life?…Make other people happy.

If you put a smile on their face then you’re probably going to end up with one on yours.

The fact of the matter is, your ability to interact and connect with others is one of the more important aspect of life.

Plain and simple… Be cool with everyone you can.

Take the time to create and nurture positive connections with people.

Surround yourself with positive, like-minded people and people that you would like to be more like.

Try doing something nice for a different person each and every day. But more importantly do this without expecting anything in return.

Unless your parents beat you and sold you off into slavery, be sure to tell them that you love them. Your childhood may not have been perfect, but perhaps your parents did the best they could with what they knew at the time.

If you are an employer, supervisor, top dog, whatever. Treat the people who work for you or under you well and with respect.

Want to go even further? Find ways to help people who are less fortunate than you, make it something that fits your personality so you enjoy doing it. Maybe feed the homeless, or do home repairs for the elderly. Or even start a blog like me, this fits my personality.

Remember the more people you can call on in times of need, like small stuff such as needing a connection or a resource, to big stuff like leaning on people when you have lost a loved one, the better your life will be.

And always be the best friend you can be and love with everything in you.

Score One For Planet Earth!

 

I don’t think there was any way he could have seen me, I have mastered the art of peeking through my blinds without drawing the least bit of attention to me. I watched him as he went about his unlawful activity, thinking no one was watching his every move.

My jaw dropped as he pushed out small mounds of trash from the floor boards of his late model Japanese shitbox. Hamburger wrappers, plastic packaging, Walmart bags, all thrown to the ground with no regard for the neighborhood you were contaminating.  I went from shock into a Eco-Warrior type anger, even though I’m not an Eco-friendly kind of guy, but this blatant littering seemed to bring out the tree-hugging activist in me. My anger quickly morphed into an old TV commercial I had seen as a kid, I felt like that crying Indian on horseback as I watched the garbage of the white man litter my sacred grounds.

I began to debate my options, should I channel the crying Indian on horseback and run out there and scalp her? Should I channel my passive-aggressive side and friend him on Facebook then post a status about littering and how it is a crappy thing to do without directly addressing him?

Now I know for a fact he threw out some McDonalds McCrap wrappers so let’s take a moment and tally up the Eco-Score. Number of points accumulated for harming the environment (7) a few of those McCrap wrappers might make their way into our local drinking water source (you never know) And points for making my neighborhood look like it’s a street in Detroit (11). I recently read an article that said it can take up to 1000 years for one Walmart bag to totally decay, that seems like a long ass time to me. I was hoping to get that trash picked up before then. And also I need to tack on some points for making me get angry and emotional turn into the crying Indian dude, nobody likes to see a grown-ass man cry (20) points. Oh and let’s add a few penalty points for making me spy on him like a weird creeper (4) points. So let’s add that up, that’s (42) points that Asshole earned so far, on the Eco-Score chart that makes him a Enviro-Terrorist, I will be making a call to Homeland security when this is all over with.

It was time to act, enough with the point system, it was time I go score some points for Mother Nature. I decided the best course of action would be to write an angry letter and tape it to his car. I had a real struggle on how to address it, is  “Dear Shithead, I Saw You Litter, You Repulse Me”  to harsh of an opening address?  But I looked out my window again and saw those McCrap wrappers laying there, so I re-worked my opening address and used a word that could only be re-produced in most media outlets with symbols, such as #,@,!!,and %…Yeah I went full frontal profanity on his ass!

So for the next 22 minutes I really broke new ground in my liberal use of profanity and sarcasm, it was truly an Epic rant, I was bewildered as to where these Eco-emotions were coming from. Perhaps I was feeling a sense of social-responsibility hoping my actions could right a wrong and make our society function smoothly again. I pounded my fist on the table and muttered to myself  “Respect my neighborhood and I will Respect you”  I felt spiritually enlightened, somehow writing all these profane words was releasing so much pent up angst. I don’t usually use profanity in my everyday life, I find it to be the words of the weak, I always thought using  “bigger”  words was a sign of strength, but dammit this felt good.

I could actually feel the sweat pour from my forehead, it burned my eyes, or was I crying again? Was that damn Indian channeling me?  Were these words his words? No…this had to be me, this was my fight, not his. As I continued to scribble my words down, I knew deep down I was standing up for something worth standing for. I imagined this is how the founding fathers felt when they signed the Declaration of Independence, or perhaps when Bruce became Caitlyn.

After 3 hours, my little letter was literary perfection. I think one day historians will look back on this document as the textbook example of how angry neighbors should correspond with one another to solve their differences. I neatly folded this Epic rant on parchment, gently placed it in an envelope and symbolically sealed it in wax, using my family crest ring to give the symbolic wax an heir of regal nobility. (Yeah, so licked it with my fat tongue to seal it) the deed was done. All I can say is welcome to Shamesville Asshole, population…You!

My neighbor had left while I was working on the document, so I quickly ran over shoved it into the seal on his front door, it would be impossible to miss, I only hoped he would stand there and read it on his porch so I could see his reaction. In my mind I played it over and over, he would read it, then turn around looking to see if anyone was watching, he would lower his head in shame, and slowly walk out to where his garbage was strewn and collect it up in shame. Oh, and he was crying, lots of crying.

I watched out my window for my neighbors return, but he must have been in town, collecting more garbage, it was taking forever. So I got bored, so occupied my time painting crappy little fish and other things. But later I saw his car coming down the road, so I quickly ran to take my spot to watch the drama unfold. I watched him get out of his car, he was carrying more Walmart bags, this guy must be one of the people of Walmart or something, anyways I glanced over at the door where I placed the letter…It was gone? What the hell? My masterpiece was missing, where could it have gone? I watched him coolly walk into his house without being confronted by my letter of Eco-Justice. All that work, all that profanity, for nothing. All I can think of is the wind must have blown it away, Mother Nature screwed this up I thought, she is to blame. So in a tantrum I grabbed a few sheets of paper towel and open my front door and threw them into the wind…Screw It!!

How To Get Rich!

Do you want to get Rich?  Then you’re in luck because I have a fool proof way for you to get Rich.  Most people usually equate  “rich”  with  “money”  hard cash, moo-la, the Benjamin’s.

We take it for granted that more money is a good thing. (and why wouldn’t it be right?) Who hasn’t daydreamed about hitting the lottery and quitting your job, traveling the world and buying all those expensive toys we want.

But if you go all  “scientific”  on this subject you will see that study after study shows that more money doesn’t make us any happier. Of course if you’re getting your next meal out of the soup kitchen it will. But past a certain, fairly low salary there’s no relationship between salary and happiness.

I tend to believe that real happiness comes from other types of riches. You might not have tons of money, but if you have enough to live on, how about focusing on some of these sure fire ways of getting  “rich”  instead.

 

Timex~Rich

Have you ever heard the phrase  “Money Rich, Time Poor?”

I think this best sums up the reasons why more money doesn’t result in more happiness. Often, the more money you earn, the more time you spend earning it, or taking care of the money you earn and all the fancy trappings that come with it.

Being  “timex-rich”  just means you have the freedom to spend as much of your life as possible doing the things you want to do. Having a more time can bring rewards that no amount of money can buy. “timex-rich” parents for example have the chance to really engage with their kids. A  “timex-rich” painter or writer might not make millions, but might produce some truly outstanding pieces of art.

Money can be earned, exchanged and horded. Time goes past constantly, however much we might like to stop it. Being “timex-rich” means engaging fully with life.

So get more time…and share the wealth with your loved ones.

 

Health~Rich

If you lose a lot of money, you can recover in time, you’re able to turn around your personal finances and get out of debt. You can close a failing business and maybe start a new one. You can borrow money from family or from the bank. If you destroy your health, there’s often no going back. Some chronic illnesses, such as ME, are caused by periods of overwork and stress. Is it worth wrecking your health for the sake of a few extra hours in work?

So to get  “Health~Rich”  make time to exercise every day. Even if you don’t think it’s going to make any difference right now. You will be grateful later in life. You don’t need to spend hours in the gym..a simple 30 minute walk can be enough. Develop good eating habits, there are loads of healthy, tasty, easy foods…start working more of them into your diet. Take little steps, you don’t need to make radical changes.

If you smoke, make it your number one priority to quit! It’s the best thing you can do for your health.

 

Interest~Rich

If you have a rich and varied set of interests, you’re likely to have a fulfilling life. Spend time discovering what you really care about (whether or not it’s what your parents or your friends want you to do) Having a life full of things which interest you is much more likely to make you happy than spending eight hours a day doing a job you dislike, just because it pays well.

Also, when you get to retirement, you will want to have some hobbies and interests which give you meaning and purpose…and enjoyment.

You may well have lots of interests already. Are there any which you have neglected? Perhaps because you think you don’t have the time or because they seem self-indulgent? If you feel that you lack any real hobbies or passions, make it your mission to find some. Try out new things (even a few that you might not think are for you) and see if you surprise yourself.

 

Interest~Rich

Spend time on things which you enjoy, It doesn’t matter how “productive”  or  “worthwhile”  they are…all that matters is that you love them.

Adopt a  “try anything once”  attitude, It’s easy to pre-judge a new activity without even giving it a go…you might just find you love it.

Go for some variety, we are often taught that we need to specialize in order to succeed…But who is to say you can’t be a doctor and a musician, or a teacher and an artist.

Alright I have share my get  “Rich”  quick scheme with you and best of all you don’t have to send me any money. It’s FREE…So no excuses, Go get Rich now!!

The Story Of Invention

 

I’m sure everyone has heard the term  “Necessity is the mother of Invention”  but do you really know the true story of how the term came about? Of course you don’t…but no worries I will share it with you now.  There once was a tiny woman named Poverty, she lived in a trailer park and had very little in the way of being able to support herself and her child.  The child’s name was Necessity.  Now Necessity grew up on the mean streets, she understood the challenges that life put in front of her and she did well to over-come these challenges, but Necessity fooled around at a young age and ended up with a child of her own, she named it Invention. Now Invention had it easier, because Necessity did everything she could to give Invention a better life then what she was subjected to. So Invention turned out to be a beautiful young lady, smart and witty. She had every man in town wanting to be with her.

One day Invention asked her mother Necessity who her father was, because she had never known and now she was at the age where it was important to her to understand how she came to be. Necessity told Invention that her father was a man named Inspiration, he was a charismatic young man who use to live in town, but left shortly after Invention was born. Necessity told Invention the story of how she was conceived. Necessity said her and Inspiration were just out for a walk, when they came upon a grassy clearing, Necessity said she could not contain herself and it wasn’t long before Inspiration was making sweet, passionate love to her, and before she knew it the seed had been planted and nine months later out came Invention.

But Necessity learned early on, that raising Invention all alone would be difficult and Necessity was a smart woman who always did what she had to do in order to achieve her goals. So in time she met and married a man named Duty, now Duty was the son of an important man named Stipulation. Now as time went on Invention grew older and started school, as the other kids learned their alphabet and numbers, Invention learned how to fight, Invention would spend her time training each day to be the best fighter there ever was, and Duty would watch, encouraging her to be the very best she could be. Duty was very proud of Invention.

Once in a while Invention liked to pretend she got hurt while she practiced her fighting skills, she would lay there on the ground crying and Duty would always run over to help her up and wiped the fake tears away. And Invention would always smile and kiss Duty on the forehead, which always made Duty smile.

Duty’s father Stipulation was always suspicious of Invention.

One day Stipulation told Necessity that her beautiful daughter was unladylike and that he felt she showed off too much, always fighting, always looking for attention. But Stipulations opinions of Invention got the better of him once and he tried to fight Invention one day in the park, the same park she was conceived in.

But that is all history, and these days Invention is all grown up. Men who meet her are always left in awe and have visions of one day winning her hand. Invention’s best friend Imagination tells everyone that he is her lover. Imagination is the typical tall, dark and handsome type and Invention just can’t picture the two of them together. But Patience is more persistent, when he sees Invention he always puts his arm around her, whispering those sweet nothings in her ear. But Invention has other ideas, she introduces Patience to her friend Novelty. Now Novelty is pretty, athletic and slightly silly at times. She would be the perfect match for Patience. So Invention see’s that Patience is finally distracted she now starts hanging out with Amusement, even though she knows this is not the best of ideas. But let’s not forget about the shy Commitment who is watching this all go down, he is off in the bushes, just watching, waiting for the right moment to get Inventions attention. But as Invention plays around, the town’s other beauty Creativity, the one that has so much going for her, the best schooling, the best job, a bright future, she manages to seduce the shy Commitment. They end up getting married and living in Boca, with 2.5 kids.

Then one day Invention was at a loss for what to do, so she went to seek the advice of the wisest person she knew, her grandmother Poverty. Invention asks her grandmother for wisdom. And Poverty tells her  “Experience is both a student and a teacher”  she also tells Invention, “Right now you are the student and Experience is your teacher, but one day you will be the teacher and Experience will be your student”

Invention left her grandmother’s not understand the wisdom given but thankful it was given.

Invention watches the news on tv, she see’s stories of people in different places, making their dreams come true…One day soon Invention will leave her small town, she has no fear of the unknown for she has been trained to fight since childhood, Duty made sure she had the tools she would need to venture off on her own, one day soon she will finally say good-bye to Necessity and venture off seeking the Experience her grandmother talked about.

Do YOU Want To End Up On My List?

 

When you have a memory as bad as mine you have to write everything down or it’s lost forever, so consequently I also have tons of  “Lists”  which help me remember things and keep myself organized.

Now I have the standard  “Shopping List”“To-Do List”  and the standard  “Neighbors that may be on or should be added to County Sex Offender and Violent Criminal Website List” just like you would find in any decent American household. I believe I currently maintain over 147 active lists at any given time.

Here are a few samples:

 

My List of Suspicious License Plates

I am reasonably certain that a house down the street from me is either an ISIS terror cell, a Crack House, an Unlicensed Day Care or a combination of the three. Since I am just 34 credits shy of getting my AA in Criminal Justice I feel it is my sworn duty to help local Law Enforcement watch this house, I have placed my Telescope on the front porch and have recorded the license plates of over 580 vehicles that I don’t recognize and furthermore probably shouldn’t be on my street.

 

My List of Personal Grudges

I really can’t recall how many times I’ve had a delightful conversation with someone whom I assume I knew and was friendly with only to remember a few hours later that I hated their guts.

It can be a challenge to try and keep track of four decades worth of personal slights, family transgressions and trivial vendettas. So, in order to keep my enemies straight and my personal grudges straighter. I make sure to write them all down.

 

My List of Probable Signs of the Apocalypse

I do my best to stay one step ahead of the Four Horsemen, so I always keep a detailed list of signs that the world is about to go into Mega-Shit Mode. Looking at my current list of probable signs  …“Bruce Jenner Transformation”“Hans Solo Crashing the Falcon on a Golf Course”“Al Sharpton Advising the President Obama”  I’m pretty confident that we should all be meeting our maker sometime before the next Black Friday shopping day.

 

My List of Words I Need to Look Up

I have a good deal of interactions with young people or Hipsters as they call themselves, and they all seem to use words I have never heard of…Or they just make up words as they go which would be a sign of our failing education system.  But in order to determine if these youngsters are being polite, disrespectful or are just mentally ill, I like to look up the words they use…For example here are a few words I wrote down yesterday after talking to a guy at the gym..“Frado”,  “Jerry”, “Tassel”…Why can’t they just talk normal?

 

My List of Possible Medical Problems

As I get older I found it important to keep track of all my aches, pains and strange rashes. I just write down any medical problems I have each day, like yesterday I had an unexplained bout of hot flashes, and some unusual gland swelling, so next time I go see my VA doc I just pull out my list and go over every symptom I experienced since my last visit, I know my Doctor likes my thoroughness he even called me a Hypochondriac…Which reminds me I need to add that word to my “List of Words I Need to Look Up” ..But I’m pretty sure it means I’m almost a Physician or something medical.

 

My Personal Bucket List

Now this List has nothing to do with some crazy dreams of climbing the Empire State building naked, Playing President with Monica Lewinsky or meeting the Duck Dynasty cast…I’m actually talking about buckets that I would like to purchase, I’m currently interested in a rather fetching Orange 5 gallon bucket at Home Depot…Maybe today will be the day I throw caution to the wind and buy it!

 

My List of People I Have Outlived…So Far

As you age, at least for me, you get a certain pleasure of outliving people that you knew in your youth or celebrities which you found annoying. So every Sunday I like to sit down with a nice glass of Protein and a red pen, then I check the obituaries and TMZ, It’s one of the highlights of my week.

This is part of my  “Death Trilogy”  which comprises the  “List of People I Have Outlived”  the  “List of People I Plan to Outlive”  and of course the  “List of Annoying Celebrities Whom I Must Outlive”

If there are any fellow  “Listers”  out there please feel free to offer ideas for new Lists…I’m always looking for new List ideas.

You’re Probably A Bad Parent!

 

I’m always on the lookout for something interesting on Facebook. During my exhaustive research of reading each and every one of my friends messages, comments and status updates I have noticed a trend, people are constantly telling their friends that they are such good parents…I never see anyone tell a friend that their parenting skills suck…Maybe people just don’t notice, or maybe they just don’t know what to look for to spot a Bad Parent.

So I thought I would do my civic duty and offer some signs to look for in the future that may help you determine if someone is a Bad Parent…or possibly if  YOU are a Bad Parent and didn’t even know it.

If you spend your kid’s college fund and don’t remember how.

If your kid…has a kid.

If you tell your kid Santa is not real.

If your kid still has a pacifier in 1st grade.

If you sit your kid on a hot car hood and he doesn’t scream.

If you take your kid with you to see your Parole Officer.

If your kid doesn’t cry on the first day of school because he is happy to get away from you.

If your dog’s leash is prettier than your kids.

If your kid is rolling joints for you.

If your kids Halloween costume is a German Gestapo Uniform.

If you’re 8 year old has a Charles Manson poster in their bedroom.

If the  “All kids are God’s children”  church daycare ask you not to bring your kid back.

If you have to ask someone if you’re a Bad Parent.

If you have to drive around the neighborhood looking for your 4 year old after dark.

If you find the DVD  “How to be an expert shoplifter”  in your kids room.

If you toss your used disposable diapers out in every parking lot you change your baby in.

If your kid is not hungry at dinner because they just had 3 sodas and 2 candy bars in a 15 minute span.

If you ask your kid to get the noisy object out of the garbage disposal while it’s still on.

If you care about your own needs before your kids.

If you ask your kid to clean the stuck grassy mud clumps from under the lawnmower while it is running.

If you ask your kid to score some weed from his friend at school.

If your kid is 5 years old and has the utilities in his name.

 

Well I hope these help…Be A Good Parent!

The Day Mom Replaced Our Dad!

 

I remember that awkward day when Mom introduced us to Jerry and his new role in our family…

Hey kids, would you all please come into the living room. Who are you talking to? Well tell Tina you will call her back because I have something important to tell you kids. Where is your little sister? What? She is only 4! You are supposed to watch her when I’m not here, didn’t they teach you that in those babysitting classes I paid for you to go to? Go get her, she will need to hear this.

Alright kids, I need you to listen to me, I have some really important stuff I need to share with you. First of all let me just say that there is nobody who can replace your Daddy…No one. Does everyone understand what I’m saying? You kids have a father, one father and right now he is in Hawaii with his new fiancée and her fake boobs. But I would like to introduce you Jerry, he is my new boyfriend and I’m really hoping he can be the one to replace your father.

How long have we been going out? That is a great question, I met Jerry several hours ago when I was out with the girls. It’s kind of a funny story you kids might get a kick out of it. So like I said I was out with the girls at a club called Rawhide, and they had a drink special going on where ladies buy one and get one free until 10 pm. So I had ordered a drink at 10:01 and my watch said 9:59 pm, the bartender was trying to make me pay for both drinks, so we got into this huge argument but then out of the blue Jerry step over and said he would pay for it. At that moment I looked him in the eyes and I knew in my heart he was the one!

Now you older kids are probably thinking I’m crazy or something, but before I brought him back to the house I really grilled him with some tough questions. I was able to learn a lot about his personality and character. And honestly kids I really liked what I heard from him! Kids you will like this …Jerry actually played semi-pro football in the arena league. Jerry, how many years was it again? Two? Three…Two. So two whole year for, umm what team was it Jerry? Oh yeah, the Arizona Rattlers. Isn’t that exciting kids? Your father never played any sports and got paid for it. So that is one very valid reason why Jerry should replace your father.

Jerry is there any other reasons why you can think of that you should replace their father? Well how about that kids, Jerry said he could kick your Dad’s ass in a fight. I’m not sure about that one Jerry. Their father is 6’6’’ and extremely muscular. Now I’m not saying Jerry can’t beat up your daddy, kids….I just don’t feel I should laugh at him in front of you because we trying to look united as parents here, but let’s just say we will never know until we match them up toe to toe, while they are both punching at each other.

You kids probably don’t want to hear this, but Jerry is a great kisser. But to be honest we haven’t really gone much further than that, although we really did get pretty hot and heavy in his LeBaron for twenty minutes before we came in to talk with you kids. But going off how he performed in those twenty minutes I really do expect him to be a passionate lover. I will let you kids know in the morning if I was right or not…Wink Wink.

Now, I know you kids don’t really need to know this information but keep this in mind while you decide whether or not to accept Jerry as your new father, if I am in a better mood because Jerry satisfied me sexually, then I will most likely be nicer to you and probably a little more understanding when you act out. Who knows maybe I will even surprise you kids with trips to Chuckie Cheese or let you ride your bikes are the block again, you know all the things we use to do back when you had a father who lived in the house and was satisfying me sexually.

What’s that Jerry? Oh kids, Jerry is now having second thoughts about whether or not he could beat up your father. Kids, Look at Jerry right now, you see what he is doing right now? He is showing humility, which is a quality you should admire about him. Jerry is admitting his weakness to you, not many men will do that, it takes courage. So kids I want to be sure you understand what Jerry is doing. Jerry is admitting to you and me that he would have a real problem challenging your 6’6” 300 pound father in a fair toe to toe fistfight. Remember nobody can ever replace your daddy, but Jerry is doing his absolute best to do so and I’m really rooting for him to succeed.

Now kids, I should mention to you that Jerry does not have a job. So please don’t ask Jerry where he works, he told me early he doesn’t like talking about not working. Kids, Jerry does not work! Do you guys understand that? So what it means is he will not be able to buy your love like most replacement daddies do. So don’t expect any expensive gifts like new bikes, video games or even new clothing. But what you can expect is Jerry’s quality time with you as he attempts to win your love. For example, maybe Jerry can coach you at soccer or drive you to school in the mornings. So remember No job and No money means more quality time to spend with you guys and I for one can see the advantage in that, can you guys? Oh, What’s that Jerry?…I guess that’s fair, I should point that out. Okay kids, remember that sometimes Jerry might parent you in non-traditional ways. Maybe he won’t volunteer to coach you at soccer or drive you to school in the mornings, but he will be there for you, in a supportive type of way, just like a Dad should.

Just so we are clear kids…Jerry will never be your real father, ever!  Jerry can’t simply take his place, you know biologically speaking. But he will try to act like a real father to you and believe me I plan to make you feel guilty if you don’t immediately accept him as a replacement father. I really want you to start calling him  “Daddy”  from now on.

So again kids, nobody is trying to take the place of your Dad. I just want you to love Jerry and treat him as if he is your real father, but we know he isn’t your real father, but I will probably tell people that he is so just get used to it. Do you kids understand me? I hope you understand that Jerry will never be your real father, but for all intents and purposes he will replace your real father, to be loved by you as children should love their father and he will please me sexually as husbands should please their wives, and I really feel this will help us all forget about your real father who is now in Hawaii, probably having sex with his new fiancée and her fake boobs.

So, kids…Jerry is ready and willing to stay here with us in our home. He will probably give off a weird vibe of a stranger while engaging you in awkward conversations. Also he is going to slip right into the role of an authority figure without ever trying to earn your respect, but he and I will demand you give him that respect, after all he will be acting as if he is your father. But don’t misunderstand me, I’m not saying anyone is trying to say your real father can ever be replaced. No at all! Never! But I am saying, I’m ready to replace your father completely….Are you kids ready?