You’re Probably A Bad Parent!

 

I’m always on the lookout for something interesting on Facebook. During my exhaustive research of reading each and every one of my friends messages, comments and status updates I have noticed a trend, people are constantly telling their friends that they are such good parents…I never see anyone tell a friend that their parenting skills suck…Maybe people just don’t notice, or maybe they just don’t know what to look for to spot a Bad Parent.

So I thought I would do my civic duty and offer some signs to look for in the future that may help you determine if someone is a Bad Parent…or possibly if  YOU are a Bad Parent and didn’t even know it.

If you spend your kid’s college fund and don’t remember how.

If your kid…has a kid.

If you tell your kid Santa is not real.

If your kid still has a pacifier in 1st grade.

If you sit your kid on a hot car hood and he doesn’t scream.

If you take your kid with you to see your Parole Officer.

If your kid doesn’t cry on the first day of school because he is happy to get away from you.

If your dog’s leash is prettier than your kids.

If your kid is rolling joints for you.

If your kids Halloween costume is a German Gestapo Uniform.

If you’re 8 year old has a Charles Manson poster in their bedroom.

If the  “All kids are God’s children”  church daycare ask you not to bring your kid back.

If you have to ask someone if you’re a Bad Parent.

If you have to drive around the neighborhood looking for your 4 year old after dark.

If you find the DVD  “How to be an expert shoplifter”  in your kids room.

If you toss your used disposable diapers out in every parking lot you change your baby in.

If your kid is not hungry at dinner because they just had 3 sodas and 2 candy bars in a 15 minute span.

If you ask your kid to get the noisy object out of the garbage disposal while it’s still on.

If you care about your own needs before your kids.

If you ask your kid to clean the stuck grassy mud clumps from under the lawnmower while it is running.

If you ask your kid to score some weed from his friend at school.

If your kid is 5 years old and has the utilities in his name.

 

Well I hope these help…Be A Good Parent!

The Day Mom Replaced Our Dad!

 

I remember that awkward day when Mom introduced us to Jerry and his new role in our family…

Hey kids, would you all please come into the living room. Who are you talking to? Well tell Tina you will call her back because I have something important to tell you kids. Where is your little sister? What? She is only 4! You are supposed to watch her when I’m not here, didn’t they teach you that in those babysitting classes I paid for you to go to? Go get her, she will need to hear this.

Alright kids, I need you to listen to me, I have some really important stuff I need to share with you. First of all let me just say that there is nobody who can replace your Daddy…No one. Does everyone understand what I’m saying? You kids have a father, one father and right now he is in Hawaii with his new fiancée and her fake boobs. But I would like to introduce you Jerry, he is my new boyfriend and I’m really hoping he can be the one to replace your father.

How long have we been going out? That is a great question, I met Jerry several hours ago when I was out with the girls. It’s kind of a funny story you kids might get a kick out of it. So like I said I was out with the girls at a club called Rawhide, and they had a drink special going on where ladies buy one and get one free until 10 pm. So I had ordered a drink at 10:01 and my watch said 9:59 pm, the bartender was trying to make me pay for both drinks, so we got into this huge argument but then out of the blue Jerry step over and said he would pay for it. At that moment I looked him in the eyes and I knew in my heart he was the one!

Now you older kids are probably thinking I’m crazy or something, but before I brought him back to the house I really grilled him with some tough questions. I was able to learn a lot about his personality and character. And honestly kids I really liked what I heard from him! Kids you will like this …Jerry actually played semi-pro football in the arena league. Jerry, how many years was it again? Two? Three…Two. So two whole year for, umm what team was it Jerry? Oh yeah, the Arizona Rattlers. Isn’t that exciting kids? Your father never played any sports and got paid for it. So that is one very valid reason why Jerry should replace your father.

Jerry is there any other reasons why you can think of that you should replace their father? Well how about that kids, Jerry said he could kick your Dad’s ass in a fight. I’m not sure about that one Jerry. Their father is 6’6’’ and extremely muscular. Now I’m not saying Jerry can’t beat up your daddy, kids….I just don’t feel I should laugh at him in front of you because we trying to look united as parents here, but let’s just say we will never know until we match them up toe to toe, while they are both punching at each other.

You kids probably don’t want to hear this, but Jerry is a great kisser. But to be honest we haven’t really gone much further than that, although we really did get pretty hot and heavy in his LeBaron for twenty minutes before we came in to talk with you kids. But going off how he performed in those twenty minutes I really do expect him to be a passionate lover. I will let you kids know in the morning if I was right or not…Wink Wink.

Now, I know you kids don’t really need to know this information but keep this in mind while you decide whether or not to accept Jerry as your new father, if I am in a better mood because Jerry satisfied me sexually, then I will most likely be nicer to you and probably a little more understanding when you act out. Who knows maybe I will even surprise you kids with trips to Chuckie Cheese or let you ride your bikes are the block again, you know all the things we use to do back when you had a father who lived in the house and was satisfying me sexually.

What’s that Jerry? Oh kids, Jerry is now having second thoughts about whether or not he could beat up your father. Kids, Look at Jerry right now, you see what he is doing right now? He is showing humility, which is a quality you should admire about him. Jerry is admitting his weakness to you, not many men will do that, it takes courage. So kids I want to be sure you understand what Jerry is doing. Jerry is admitting to you and me that he would have a real problem challenging your 6’6” 300 pound father in a fair toe to toe fistfight. Remember nobody can ever replace your daddy, but Jerry is doing his absolute best to do so and I’m really rooting for him to succeed.

Now kids, I should mention to you that Jerry does not have a job. So please don’t ask Jerry where he works, he told me early he doesn’t like talking about not working. Kids, Jerry does not work! Do you guys understand that? So what it means is he will not be able to buy your love like most replacement daddies do. So don’t expect any expensive gifts like new bikes, video games or even new clothing. But what you can expect is Jerry’s quality time with you as he attempts to win your love. For example, maybe Jerry can coach you at soccer or drive you to school in the mornings. So remember No job and No money means more quality time to spend with you guys and I for one can see the advantage in that, can you guys? Oh, What’s that Jerry?…I guess that’s fair, I should point that out. Okay kids, remember that sometimes Jerry might parent you in non-traditional ways. Maybe he won’t volunteer to coach you at soccer or drive you to school in the mornings, but he will be there for you, in a supportive type of way, just like a Dad should.

Just so we are clear kids…Jerry will never be your real father, ever!  Jerry can’t simply take his place, you know biologically speaking. But he will try to act like a real father to you and believe me I plan to make you feel guilty if you don’t immediately accept him as a replacement father. I really want you to start calling him  “Daddy”  from now on.

So again kids, nobody is trying to take the place of your Dad. I just want you to love Jerry and treat him as if he is your real father, but we know he isn’t your real father, but I will probably tell people that he is so just get used to it. Do you kids understand me? I hope you understand that Jerry will never be your real father, but for all intents and purposes he will replace your real father, to be loved by you as children should love their father and he will please me sexually as husbands should please their wives, and I really feel this will help us all forget about your real father who is now in Hawaii, probably having sex with his new fiancée and her fake boobs.

So, kids…Jerry is ready and willing to stay here with us in our home. He will probably give off a weird vibe of a stranger while engaging you in awkward conversations. Also he is going to slip right into the role of an authority figure without ever trying to earn your respect, but he and I will demand you give him that respect, after all he will be acting as if he is your father. But don’t misunderstand me, I’m not saying anyone is trying to say your real father can ever be replaced. No at all! Never! But I am saying, I’m ready to replace your father completely….Are you kids ready?

i dream BIG

i dream BIG

So am I the only one that dreams of doing great things with the time I have left in this world? Pretty sure everyone dreams big, we all have great things we would like to accomplish just getting them started seems to be the tricky part.

I have a few friends who have great ideas, stuff that could actually make a difference to people, but yet they allow people…people who mean nothing in the big picture squash their ideas with their own negative feedback, Why would anyone want to crush the dreams and goals of someone who is trying to better themselves and others? Better yet why do we let people ruin our dreams?

It’s time to follow those dreams of yours, and most of all it’s time to clear your life of the negative people who hold you back from achieving them.

Do you really want to achieve great things?

You have to clear your mind of all the doubt that’s been put there, clear your life of all the negative people stopping you from moving forward.

These are your dreams, your goals, it’s your  life…No one else has a say in it, unless you give them that right.

It is completely up to YOU!

Your success or failure is completely on YOU!

If you believe that someone or something can stand in your way from achieving success, that’s completely on YOU…You are the one that is giving away all your power and giving permission to the world to choose your destiny for you.

You create these stories in your head about why you can’t do it…the kids, your lack of skills and education, it’s too late, too early, you’re too young, too old, or your damn cat ate your homework and pissed in your new shoes…these stories are just works of pure fiction…Unless YOU choose to make them reality.

If your reason “why” is big enough..You will find a way to succeed.

If you’re ready and willing to do whatever it takes, even if that means you might be laughed at and suffer a few set-backs along the way. If you’re ready to push forward and create your new reality then cut the umbilical cord connected to what the world thinks and move forward with intense determination that nothing or no one will stop you from achieving success.

You might be scared. That’s good. And if you doubt yourself that’s even better.

Fear and Self-doubt are two huge signs that you’re onto something big, and to keep moving forward.

You are an American, brave men and women have fought and died for YOU and your Freedoms… Choosing your own destiny is your freaking birthright, you just have to be willing to put in the work.

Now just put one foot in front of the other, boldly push forward and do not stop for anything or anyone.

Just keep pushing forward!

Do not worry about what others say about how great or shitty you or your goals are.

Their opinions don’t matter and frankly are none of your business, only your opinion matters.

Even if it seems the entire world is against you, just keep pushing forward and if you find yourself doubting your abilities just remember there are people without legs to walk with or eyes to see with, who are doing incredible things most of us can’t even fathom.

There are people who were beaten every day as a child and told they would never amount to anything who’ve created art so great the rest of the world stares at it in awe.

There will always be critics, and every word they utter is just another sign that you’re on the right path.

But if you’re afraid to take the risk, I guess you can keep doing what you’re doing and keep getting more of the same….

Or…You can let your inner Giant out of its cage to rise up and do some seriously awesome shit!

The choice is all yours my friends….

Land Of The Free…Free To Be Awesome!

 

 

If you are fortunate enough to be an American, you really do owe it to yourself to do something freaking amazing with your life.

If you stop and think about it, you truly are blessed, no matter what your economic situation or your place on the  “social ladder”  you have been given something a few billion other people cannot say..You’re an American, we have so many opportunities that most of the world’s population can only dream of. there are literally billions of people who every day are forced to live on less than it costs for you to buy your Pumpkin Spice Latte from Starbucks.

Stop and think of all those people who live under a Dictatorship, or under Sharia law, these people have little to no freedoms, the freedoms we often take for granted. Isn’t it great to be able to express yourself in any way you damn well please?

Imagine having to live somewhere that denies you access to the internet, where what you can buy is controlled by the government, even with all the bullshit we deal with here in America on occasion, it pales compared to most places.

Even something as simple and meaningless as Facebook is controlled. Imagine if you suddenly last your ability to share your story or flood social media with pictures of what you had for lunch, or opportunity to spread rumors about your ex (As immature and toxic as it is) …Just imagine not having this ability right now.

For all you advocates of change, imagine not being able to stand up to the wrongs of the world and create change all from the comfort and safety of your local coffee shop…Or how about sharing a poem, song or a beautiful artwork you created from the simple vision in your mind into reality…what if you weren’t allowed to share these with the world?

Now change the view…You owe it not only to yourself to have a totally Amazing life, but to the people who are dying alone right now of some terminal disease, the drivers unaware that in a mile they will die in a horrible crash, or for the ones who lose their arms and legs living out their days confined to a wheelchair.

You also owe it to every single person who helped you get where you are today. Your friends, family, teachers and mentors who showed you what was possible, helped light the way and picked your ass back up when you laid face down on the ground without the strength and will to get back up.

And for all those who told you that you couldn’t, or that you didn’t have what it takes…You owe it to them, to show them that YOU can.

But most of all, you owe it to the one who stands in the mirror each morning, preparing for another day, trying to look past that wall of fears, shame ,insecurities and self-doubt you have created.

You owe it to yourself to break down the walls and light a fire so bright, that all can see it, all will want to follow that light.

Show the world your scars, the battle wounds and tell us all how you’ve recovered from the darkest parts of your own self.

Clean away the sins of your past and let your greatest mistakes be your greatest gifts to those who will hear your story, listen to your music and Yes, even read your blog.

It’s time to live your life the way it should be lived, the way it was meant to be lived, it’s time for you to start doing something freaking Awesome with your life…

If you have dreams and aspirations of bigger things than just making a buck, then tear your heart out of your chest and give it to the world.

You have it within you to create something so great it will bring happiness to the hearts of millions, open minds for countless others who dare to dream, and live a life worth living.

Or…I suppose you could just go bitch about your ex, be the victim, confine yourself in the drama of being you. But I have a feeling you’re better than that, and you won’t settle for that …Your dreams are bigger than that!

God Bless America!

Your Kid’s Name Is What?

 

So I got really pissed off today, I had a conversation with an old friend I haven’t spoken to in a long time, he was telling me about his wife and their two children, whose names are “Sia”  and  “Abril”…What? Can you guess which one is the boy? This kind of weird child naming pisses me off, I almost home CPS takes their kids away and renames them  “Sara” and  “Abel”  good ol’ biblical names.

Maybe I’m the only one who has paid attention the last ten years, but there is this weird virus that’s going around infecting newly minted parents, and it causes these parents to name their kids these weird, un-pronounceable names that make no sense. It sickens me to think that parents who live here in the  “Land of the Free”  would name their boy child, their blood-line, the heir to the throne, a shitty ambiguously-gendered name that will lead to nothing but ridicule and shame for their kid.  If the day ever comes that I meet a 80- year old man named  “Abril”  I will pull him close and whisper in his hearing aid  “I’m so sorry”…If you want to name your boy something gender indiscriminate, how about just cut to the chase and call him “Pat”.

I did some research on this whole name thing, back in the 1940’s there was only five names you could name your boy. And those options were Jack, John, Paul, Gary, Bob.  Some say these were the good ol days of male naming. Men had Manly names…Period!  The decline of proper child naming started with the Hippie movement, those freaks started naming their kids after nature and acid trips. But to be completely fair I don’t count Hippies as real people, some then I’m left to blame Liberals.

Now I could touch on the African American community, and some of the strange names that they think up…BUT I’m sure someone somewhere will call me a racist and the PC police will come arrest me, so I will just let this community have their fun.

I don’t think it’s too late for things to change, and I don’t think you have to choose from the same crop of names to make your first male child a masculine one. For instance, I have a friend named who named his boy  “Bane”  Not a name you hear all the time, but still super manly and it brings to mind a shirtless man wearing bullet belts across his chest and of course wearing a respirator.  If I mentioned the name of one of your children in this article in a negative way, just know that I don’t mean it personally. Maybe they’ll grow up to be something great despite their handicap, anything is possible these days.

Hell, I never in my wildest thoughts would I have imagined that one day the President of the United States and the leader of the free world would have had a name like Barack Hussien Obama.

10 Things You Should Know!

 

 

  1. We search for anything and everything to make us a happy…be it money, a house, a car, a person, a job, a business, retirement, recognition, or a new pair of shoes…yet we rarely look to the one place it can actually be found…inside!

 

  1. The most painful, hardest, most gut-wrenching things we go through in life are usually our best opportunities to grow and become happier.

 

  1. The things we see in others that irritate us the most are the exact traits in ourselves we’re not willing to look at. And often times the people we dislike the most are the ones most like us.

 

  1. We try so hard to be unique just like everyone else.

 

  1. When we forgive someone, it usually does nothing for the person we forgive, but the positive impact on ourselves is profound. At its root, forgiveness is about self-forgiveness.

 

  1. The best way to get rid of fear is to actually do that thing we’re afraid of.

 

  1. Putting together the perfect life doesn’t make anyone happy. Accepting and being grateful for our imperfect life does.

 

  1. We spend a great deal of time consumed with what we want other people to think about us, even though they aren’t thinking about us at all because they too are consumed with what they want other people to think about them.

 

  1. We know that worrying never makes anything better…yet many of us still do it every chance we get.

 

  1. The more we try to be liked and admired by others, the less they tend to like and admire us.

 

Have A Kick Ass Day!!

Dear Wrist Straps…Why?

 

Dear Wrist Straps That Are Not In My Gym Bag,

Alright, I really have had it this time. Wrist Straps That Are Not In My Gym Bag, we need to talk. Why has this happened yet again? We have gone through this several times now, I honestly thought things would change due to the heated exchange we had last time this happened. I really thought you were going to start being more responsible. Do you have any idea how it makes me feel when I get to the gym, get myself dressed for action and then I find out my straps are missing? It’s pretty damn embarrassing. Everyone else has their straps, except for me. I look like a goddamn tourist! Other lifters look at my bare wrists and laugh at me, and it’s all because you aren’t responsible enough to show up.

And don’t even try to turn this around on me. How dare you tell me I am forgetful! That’s bullshit and you know it. I always put you back in my gym bag, always!  Let’s see everyone else always seems to be in the gym bag…Ear buds, Lock, Extra Tank Top, Headband. But not the wrist straps, no the wrist straps somehow couldn’t make it to the gym today.

Where were you? What was more important than showing up to the gym today?…Tell me!!

I remember when I first saw you in the store, you were new, full of promise. You came into my life at an important juncture, I was adding heavier and heavier weight, I was going full Beast Mode in the gym and you were there to help me. At first everything was great, we were a team, we were working hand and wrist, and nothing could stop us. But like any team, it’s only as strong as its weakest member. Guess what, that weakest member is you!

Well in the three weeks that we have been together, ever since that day I brought you home from Bob’s Sporting Goods with so much hope for future big lifts it’s just been a downward spiral of disappointment. I really thought we had something special, something different, I guess I was wrong.

Wrist Straps you are dead to me….

 

Sincerely,

Your Former Swole Mate

 

Death By Dumbbell!

 

In case you haven’t been paying attention to the news lately, I need to point out the rash of gruesome deaths being cause by Dumbbells. There was another one over the weekend, this will undoubtedly raise the question of Dumbbell registration and many politicians are already promising to push the legislation through Congress.

The media will hype these deaths up like they always do, just fear mongering plain and simple. There have been several studies, the most recent one which was done by Montana State University, which disproves any link between children watching shows like  “Pumping Iron”  or  “Generation Iron” and adults using Dumbbells as a tool to commit homicide, again there is absolutely no correlation between the two.

There are some people calling for mandatory waiting periods before people can start using Dumbbells in the gym, perhaps even making people take a Dumbbell safety course before they can use them. This will most likely also lead to Dumbbell registration and criminal background checks before you can purchase one, even at places like Walmart. None of these measures will create any meaningful reduction in Dumbbell related crimes. Some politicians even say there should be a mandatory waiting period when purchasing a Dumbbell, but this would fail to accomplish anything because there has never been a case of someone using a Dumbbell in a crime of passion. Most crimes involving Dumbbells have turned out to involve illegal Dumbbells which were purchased on the black market, illegally shipped in from Mexico.

Some people want to limit the size and weight of Dumbbells, thinking if they limit the size to no larger than 25 pounds that this might somehow reduce their use in crimes. But there really is no distinction between a regular Dumbbell and an Assault Dumbbell. Common sense would tell you that no Dumbbell has ever been made for the express purpose of hurting anyone. The only exception to this was the  “Arnold Dumbbell”  which the military has designed for use in a failed operation against ISIS. It turned out dropping the GPS guided Arnold Dumbbells had little effect on ISIS moral like the military hoped.

It really is strange to me that Dumbbells which were designed to help people gain muscle, to turn your biceps into  “Guns” have themselves been turned into weapons of human destruction. I mean if someone wants to kill another person they will do it, but for someone to choose a Dumbbell for that purpose just blows my mind. Why not just use a firearm? Or maybe even a knife? It saddens me that Dumbbells have now been given an unfair characterization as a tool of murder.

I’m going to take a wild guess and say on average there are 15,000 murders a year in this country and out of those only 283 were caused by Dumbbells. One would be too many but in the bigger picture 283 isn’t that alarming. To put things in perspective more people die from Shark attacks each year.

Just in the state of Florida last year 934 people were eaten by sharks, but you never hear about this stories because the news doesn’t want tourism affected, but yet they report on Dumbbell deaths and make it sound like an epidemic, which is scaring people away from gym’s and fitness in general.

I think most people don’t realize that the majority of Dumbbell-related deaths are not violent crime related. Do you realize you are twenty times more likely to be killed by a Dumbbell on accident?

The majority of these Dumbbell accidents occur when people are improperly using them while they exercise. Most cases result from people doing over-head presses and they lose their grip on the Dumbbell and it falls hitting them in the head, usually killing them instantly. Several weeks I witnessed one of these accidents happen in my gym, there was this guy who was doing seated overhead presses with one hundred pound Dumbbells, I asked him if he needed a spot but he said  “I got this bro”  and on his very first rep, he lost his grip and one of the Dumbbells came tumbling down crushing his skull, I had blood and brain matter all over me, I nearly wasn’t able to finish my workout, but I pulled through and finished it…Thank God!

As parents it is important we teach our children the proper use of Dumbbells, whether it’s for sport, profession or as a hobby, if we teach our kids early enough on the proper safety precautions to take when using them, perhaps we can reduce the number of Dumbbell related accidents each year.

If you ever find yourself getting hit in the head by a Dumbbell either by accident or on purpose, please seek immediate medical attention, even if you feel like your injuries are not life threatening it is important to get checked out. If you do receive a blow to the head from a Dumbbell, look for the warnings signs of injury, blurred vision, and large amount of blood loss, bleeding from the ears, nose and eyes, indented skull, caved-in skull, exposed brain matter, inability to move arms or legs, involuntary bowl movements, people around you screaming and unable to look directly at you without vomiting, these are all signs you should seek immediate medical attention.

Let’s not forget our country was founded on the principles that we are all free men, we have the right to bear arms, build big arms and lift big weights, which include Dumbbells. Don’t just sit there and let these hard fought freedoms be stripped away from us, just because some jackasses and their irresponsible use of our beloved Dumbbells, so many of these unnecessary deaths could be prevented if Bros just used a spotter. So let’s all do our part in keeping each other safe at home or the gym, wherever Dumbbells are found let there also be safety found with them….God Bless America… God Bless our Troops and God Bless Those Who Use Dumbbells!

Signs The New “Boyfriend/Girlfriend” May Have Done Prison Time!

 

They get a distant glazed over look in their eyes anytime you pass a highway work crew.

 

You notice their toothbrush looks an awful lot like a shiv.

 

They have a toilet in the middle of their living room.

 

Their idea of sweet talk is telling you how many packs of smokes it will cost you to have sex with them.

 

They have a makeshift slot on the dinner table which they pass you food through.

 

When you are out driving they can’t help but point out the lack of craftsmanship on other states licenses plates.

 

They refer to the mall security guards as “Bulls”

 

You notice all their phone contacts are lawyers and bail bondsmen.

 

Anytime you get into an argument they threaten to lawyer up.

 

You go with them to meet their old roommate on visiting day.

 

You never see them in clothing that don’t have black and white stripes.

 

No matter what is going on it’s always “lights out” at 9 pm at their house.

 

They keep referring to their bedroom as a “cell”

 

They call the landlord the “Warden”

 

All their exercise equipment is outside in the yard.

 

They wear white socks and orange plastic sandals around the house.

 

You are always catching them using small mirrors to check around corners.

 

Their idea of arts and crafts is making weapons out of household items.

 

They refer to wine as “hooch”

 

They prefer it if you refer to them by a seven digit number.

 

 

 

Stop Staring At Me!

 

Okay this is supposed to be a feel good self-improvement type post. Can’t you tell by the title? So are you one of those people that gets that weird feeling every time you go to the gym that everyone around you is staring at you?..I get that feeling sometimes as well, usually when I’m wearing my  “Cats Are People Too”  workout gear. But anyways I hear from people quite often. Usually women. That they are either afraid to go the gym or to take any of the group classes. Or if they do go to the gym they only use the treadmill because they are worried that other people will stare at them for being out of shape or just plain lost in what they should be doing.

I say…Forgeddaboutit (this needs to be pronounced in your best New Jersey accent to be effective)

Just remember that those people who you think are staring at you are just people, I think you would be surprised at how many are so vain that they don’t notice anyone but themselves. Or they are just like you, they are just as busy being self-conscious about themselves to be concerned about you…So get in there, strap on your Beats by Dre or whatever you use to avoid conversations and get your business done at the gym.

So stop letting what people may think hold you back from reaching your goals. If you want to hit the free weights, or take some kick ass new dance class or even try that Hot Yoga for the first time. I can almost guarantee that the other people around you will either..

– Not notice you because they’re just as freaked out about being there as you.

-Admire you for taking control and trying to better yourself.

So get in there and DO IT!! Because afterwards you’re going to be Happy. And sweaty, and probably smell. But dammit you will be Happy!

But if they are giving you funny looks I would recommend not free-balling it in the gym next time if you’re a dude or wear a sports bra next time so your girls don’t pop out for a visit if you’re a lady.

Alright let’s take this from another angle, let’s say you do go to the gym fairly regular but your still feeling nervous about venturing any further than that damn treadmill or elliptical…You see the Promised Land (Free Weight Section) off in the distance. And perhaps you’re not really worried about anyone looking at you, but you simply don’t know what weights to lift or how to lift them.

Well it’s time step off the treadmill and walk towards the Promised Land..

I’m a firm believer that weight training is more efficient at burning those nasty calories than just straight cardio…You know that treadmill thing you have been stuck on like Gilligan’s Island. Well the rescue boat is here, so go pick up some weights. Don’t be scared, weights won’t bite you ( I would suggest holding them firmly, dropping them on your foot will cause people to stare at you)

So I could suggest a multitude of different workouts. But I’m not an expert. But you know what the Internets are full of people who say they are. And Hell some of them actually are. So do some research, find an easy routine to start with, to get your feet wet. It’s not that hard to grab some light weights and start working with them, unless you have that illness called  “I have an Excuse for everything”  and in that case I would suggest you seek help. Like from a Personal Trainer. Yes, they are at nearly every gym, they can help you with working through your Excuses issues.

Just remember when you’re trying to get in shape, you need to make it a lifestyle, you can’t go to the gym for 30 min then stop at McCrapper on the way home , and sit your ass on the couch watching Oprah reruns while snacking cheesy snack chips all evening and expected a miracle to happen. It’s going to take hard work, consistency, strong will and determination.

I will see you in the Promised Land…