Stop Staring At Me!


Okay this is supposed to be a feel good self-improvement type post. Can’t you tell by the title? So are you one of those people that gets that weird feeling every time you go to the gym that everyone around you is staring at you?..I get that feeling sometimes as well, usually when I’m wearing my  “Cats Are People Too”  workout gear. But anyways I hear from people quite often. Usually women. That they are either afraid to go the gym or to take any of the group classes. Or if they do go to the gym they only use the treadmill because they are worried that other people will stare at them for being out of shape or just plain lost in what they should be doing.

I say…Forgeddaboutit (this needs to be pronounced in your best New Jersey accent to be effective)

Just remember that those people who you think are staring at you are just people, I think you would be surprised at how many are so vain that they don’t notice anyone but themselves. Or they are just like you, they are just as busy being self-conscious about themselves to be concerned about you…So get in there, strap on your Beats by Dre or whatever you use to avoid conversations and get your business done at the gym.

So stop letting what people may think hold you back from reaching your goals. If you want to hit the free weights, or take some kick ass new dance class or even try that Hot Yoga for the first time. I can almost guarantee that the other people around you will either..

– Not notice you because they’re just as freaked out about being there as you.

-Admire you for taking control and trying to better yourself.

So get in there and DO IT!! Because afterwards you’re going to be Happy. And sweaty, and probably smell. But dammit you will be Happy!

But if they are giving you funny looks I would recommend not free-balling it in the gym next time if you’re a dude or wear a sports bra next time so your girls don’t pop out for a visit if you’re a lady.

Alright let’s take this from another angle, let’s say you do go to the gym fairly regular but your still feeling nervous about venturing any further than that damn treadmill or elliptical…You see the Promised Land (Free Weight Section) off in the distance. And perhaps you’re not really worried about anyone looking at you, but you simply don’t know what weights to lift or how to lift them.

Well it’s time step off the treadmill and walk towards the Promised Land..

I’m a firm believer that weight training is more efficient at burning those nasty calories than just straight cardio…You know that treadmill thing you have been stuck on like Gilligan’s Island. Well the rescue boat is here, so go pick up some weights. Don’t be scared, weights won’t bite you ( I would suggest holding them firmly, dropping them on your foot will cause people to stare at you)

So I could suggest a multitude of different workouts. But I’m not an expert. But you know what the Internets are full of people who say they are. And Hell some of them actually are. So do some research, find an easy routine to start with, to get your feet wet. It’s not that hard to grab some light weights and start working with them, unless you have that illness called  “I have an Excuse for everything”  and in that case I would suggest you seek help. Like from a Personal Trainer. Yes, they are at nearly every gym, they can help you with working through your Excuses issues.

Just remember when you’re trying to get in shape, you need to make it a lifestyle, you can’t go to the gym for 30 min then stop at McCrapper on the way home , and sit your ass on the couch watching Oprah reruns while snacking cheesy snack chips all evening and expected a miracle to happen. It’s going to take hard work, consistency, strong will and determination.

I will see you in the Promised Land…

To The Chocolate Mafia Girls….Please Leave Me Alone!


You Know Who You Are….

For the better part of a week you have been hounding me about buying some chocolate from your daughter to support her cheer team. You violated the unwritten code of the gym by leaving an order form on the counter…Knowing I would see it. Not to mention emailing me the link to the chocolate company and a picture of your daughter as if that would make me want to buy the cheap-ass chocolate she is pushing. Well, I have been thinking this whole chocolate buying thing over all day, and I want to let you know that I have reached a decision. I’m sorry, but I cannot buy any chocolate from your daughter at this time.

I think it’s only fair that I share my reasoning for not buying any chocolate from your daughter. First of all, I don’t like chocolate. I would never eat it and since I believe in living a healthy and clean lifestyle I wouldn’t buy the chocolate then give it to someone else. Secondly, I have no idea who your daughter is, we have never met. This on its own is usually a deal breaker for me since I like to know the people I am buying products from when they are selling them to support a cause or group. For all I know your daughter could be a member of ISIS and her cheer team could just be a cover for a secret terror cell looking to do harm in my state. Now I realize your daughter is probably not a member of ISIS and her cheer team is most likely just a cheer team. But your daughter might be a little shit, she might bully and demean other girls, maybe the girls who couldn’t make the cheer team, maybe your daughter sells drugs or maybe, just maybe your daughter is one of the little punk as bitches who threw eggs at my house last Halloween. So this is why I like to know the kids I support by buying stuff from them.

I’m not done, I still have more reasons why I will not buy anything from your daughter. Okay, so thirdly, perhaps if your daughter would have come to me personally and tried to make the sale directly to me I might have been more inclined to buy some chocolate from her, I could have asked her a few questions, maybe got a feel for her character and proceeded from there. But, since she employed you, her mother, in the execution of her sales, this to me reflects laziness. She manipulated you into doing her work for her. What kind of Mother are you? Are you going to do everything for her? You probably do her homework for her as well don’t you? Your daughter would have been better served going out door-to-door in the community, it would have given her a chance to work on her self-confidence, public speaking skills, and learning to take no for an answer. But it is clear to me that the loss of any revenue she would have gained through me is the least of her issues.

And another thing, and this is directed more at the so called  “Mother”  in this situation, do you have any idea how irresponsible and sleazy it was for you to leave a chocolate order form on the counter at the gym? I found it socially irresponsible. Your behavior was downright reprehensible. I feel by making the record of chocolate orders public like that, you created a hostile and dare I say volatile atmosphere of personal anxieties and unstable egos. The pressure you and your daughter have put on everyone in the gym, is just distasteful, Nobody wanted to wear the scarlet letter of shame for ordering the fewest chocolate bars, you know full well how competitive everyone here at the gym is. Deep down I think you did this on purpose, you probably found some delight in the trouble you and your daughter have caused.

And now with a weeks’ worth of overwhelming pressure for me to make a chocolate purchase has come to an end. I have returned the order form you gave me. (You will see that I did at one point nearly succumb to the pressure and start to order a one pound box of chocolate kisses, but later I scribbled it out) I am proud to say I came to my senses and decided to take a stand today. I refuse to be coerced by you, your daughter’s chocolate proxy. I only hope by me going public with my actions it will help others who find themselves in the same situation, those poor folks who have been forced into this unfair position, an unwanted moral obligation to financially support your daughter’s cheer team or ISIS terror cell…I’m not completely sure on it to be honest. So for those innocent people I take a stand! And just let me be clear this also goes for any future morally bankrupt business ventures you and your daughter might try to impose upon me or anyone at the gym. Today’s NO is also tomorrows NO!

I will also ask you to relay this message to your daughter. It would be nice if you could read this letter or proclamation as I prefer it is looked upon as to your daughter with the theme music from the  “Last of the Mohicans”  playing in the background. I was listening to it as I wrote this so I think it’s only fitting.

Also, on a related subject. If your daughter finds herself with a surplus case of chocolate with caramel centers and she is unable to off-load them on anyone, I might be interested in taking those off her hands, but at a substantially discounter price…Thank You.

Great Work Everyone…Except You Steve!


Excellent job people, alright everyone line up over here, this will be our last obstacle to do, on our last practice before the big race tomorrow!

Way to go people, I just wanted to say what an absolutely fantastic job everyone did today. I will admit today’s workout was a tough one, but it was all about teamwork, relying on each other to make it through the obstacles and learning to trust your teammates. And as we all know sometimes that’s not an easy thing to do.

Remember the “Wall?”….Now tell me how many of you thought that there was no way in hell I was going to make it over that one? Dan? I saw it on your face buddy, but you did it! I watched each and every one of you push through the pain and conquer your fears, I’m so proud of all of you….With one exception.

When you were all working on the rope course, how cool was it to finally be able to climb all the way up those ropes until you reached the top, you all did so well, you encouraged each other, you helped your weaker teammates make it to the top, what I saw was one hundred percent output by everyone, except for one of you who thought it would be funny to start swinging the rope around while your teammate was trying to touch the top, almost causing him to fall, luckily his foot was wrapped up in the rope.

I thought the low crawl under the barbed wire was a challenge, but once we all got a rhythm down we were able to slide along without getting tangled up in the wire, I thought we were making excellent time, that is until someone decided to throw a rock at Ezra causing him to freak out and get entangled in the wire, and as I crawled over to help him, another well aimed rock hit me in the back of the head causing me to go unconscious for a few minutes, luckily Dan was able to free us both, although I still can’t remember anything about my childhood.

When we did the spear throwing practice I will admit I was a little nervous, it was disheartening to watch a grown man taunt his teammates with a spear, screaming that he was going to stick some pigs today. For Christ’s sake we are all teammates here, we are supposed to be working together to be able to win the race tomorrow and proudly represent our gym, these obstacle races are not easy, and we have put a lot of hours in every week so that would could make our sponsor proud. But throwing a spear and nearly killing one of your teammates on purpose just sickens me, it totally represents everything a “teammate” isn’t supposed to be, a teammate doesn’t try to make your team lose, a teammate doesn’t try to kill another teammate!

I’m gonna tell you something, I have been on several of these team obstacle races before. They are always fun, and it’s a great bonding experience. But this is the first time I’ve ever been assaulted by a teammate, but even with this negative I still say this whole experience has shown what a well-connected group of guys, who work as a team, who all have a common goal, minus Steve, can achieve!

Okay, circle up everyone. I want you each to look at your fellow teammates. Really look, what do you see?…No, don’t look at Steve. Do not look at Steve…No eye contact with him, that is a type of approval, and he does not deserve that. Everyone ignore Steve. Now look at each other and think…this is my gym family, this is my race family. When we work together, nothing is impossible!

Alright, it’s starting to get late and we need to get some rest before the big race tomorrow. But, I have one last challenge for you…my family, my friends….Except you Steve! I have something I have been saving to give you guys, it’s this Spirit Baton that has our names on it, and our team name  “The Igniters”  This Spirit Baton represents everything we have accomplished the last few weeks, it represents the  “team”  we have become, and most of all it will bring us good luck tomorrow.

Dan, I would like for you to carry it first in the race tomorrow then pass it on to the next teammate so we all take a turn carrying it during the race. Alright, everyone put your hand on it right now….Does everyone have a hand on it? Make room for Ezra on the bottom there.

Okay, so when I let go the rest of you need to keep holding on, and walk together over to the parking lot, as a team, don’t drop it, it must never touch the ground or it will lose it’s good luck…Remember nobody let go! The team is strongest when everyone works together.

There you go…You guys got it…you’re doing good.

Umm, some of you look pretty nervous about walking next to Steve. Don’t be! He is nothing compared to the power of this team! Just stay focused on each other. You’re almost to the parking lot, just a few more…Steve…Steve,  stop that! Keep your hands on the Spirit Baton, everyone! Just keep….Don’t let Steve touch it! Keep his nasty hands off it! DO NOT LET HIM DEFILE THE SPIRIT BATON WITH HIS TOUCH! YES, DAN…PUSH HIM…KNOCK HIM DOWN…EZRA KICK HIM!

Alright, everyone quickly get in your cars and go, leave him…No, just leave him, let’s go!

See you at the race tomorrow!

Public Toilet Survival Tips


I have never been comfortable taking a dump anywhere other than my own bathroom, obliviously this does not make life easy for me.

Recently I was one of several guests at a friend’s house for dinner when the urge to defecate slowly reared its ugly head, or should I say ugly turtle head. It felt like a subway car was pushing its way out my rear end, if you have never experienced this sensation let me just say it’s one you don’t want to have at your friend’s dinner party. I had no choice, I had to do the unthinkable, at least for me, I had to ask my friend to use their bathroom, just as everyone was sitting down to eat…I told them not to wait, this would not be anything that would be over quickly.

After ten minutes of trying to clear the subway car out of my back side, each minute I was in there just added to my shame and humiliation, I just imaged the conversation going on at the table, I know they were making fun of me, judging me and most likely disgusted with me. To top it off her bathroom didn’t have any fruity smelling spray which I could use to mask the anal carnage that just happened.

As I returned to the table, I could see the other guests faces…I may as well have walked out of the bathroom covered in shit, I just hung my head low and prayed nobody else needed to use the bathroom, as my stench would surely still be in there for the next few days.

So as a way of helping anyone else out there who happens to have the same issues as me about using foreign bathrooms, whether they are your friends or a random truck stop. Over the years I have developed a few toilet tactics which help me get through difficult moments. Now some of my toilet techniques are pretty advanced and would require visual aids to properly understand them so I will share a few of the easier techniques, perhaps you already know them, perhaps not, I’m just trying to help my fellow shitters out.


The Osprey

I use this method when I’m at a public restroom, one that has several stalls… Pro Tip: Never use the Handicapped stall, that stall usually has some bad stuff go down in it.

So once you are in your stall, you give the toilet seat a good once over and you can clearly see residue from the last thirty visitors (hair, fecal matter, stains, blood, urine, god knows what) No worries my friends, just assume the Osprey position, which is fairly simple, you hover 3-4 inches above the seat, it requires leg strength that why I recommend hitting the gym as often as possible. Once in a good hover begin dropping bombs like you normally would. If you start to get spasms in your legs use your arms to help prop yourself up, grab on to the walls, toilet paper holder, anything you can except the toilet seat, NEVER touch the seat! If all goes well you should have dropped your weapons package off, without touching the seat, if you did touch the seat you probably have an STD or worse now, go see the Doctor.


The Squeeze and Release

Alright you make it to the bathroom, you do the toilet seat once over, luckily the restroom is fairly clean, toilet seat looks like they just cleaned it, and maybe your feeling like you can take a seat on this one. First thing is first, prepare yourself mentally, once you commit to the seat, you own it! Now grab some toilet paper and start creating a safety barrier on the seat, it should be at a minimum 1-2 inches thick, the thicker the better. Now slowly lower your exposed ass to the seat, take caution in not knocking the safety barrier you just made into the bowl.

Good job, you have made contact, safety barrier still in place, now you’re ready for business, as you begin carpet bombing the toilet bowl you feel a sense of relief, pride almost….Until you feel splash back, you just got sprayed from the toxic toilet water, it’s a horrible, mind altering feeling. No worries rookie, I have the solution for you. Much like anything in life, moderation is key, dropping your load off at the dump should be no different. Once you begin lowering a turd from the mothership, cut it short, usually 3-4 inches in length, this will reduce splashback. No repeat process until finished, be sure to watch your safety barrier, make sure it remains securely in place. Wipe properly when done.


The Aloha Snackbar

I consider this technique to be a last resort method. Let’s say you have had a bad case of the runs all day and you get caught off guard and have to make a quick sprint to a restroom, take care to run pigeon toed which will help your ass cheeks secure the load until you reach the drop zone. To your dismay, you reach the restroom but it looks like a satanic cult just performed a sacrifice in there. None of the toilets are clean, there is shit smeared everywhere. Even the stalls have the doors removed as if to torture you.

Now if you are faced with this type of situation, I call it the “End Times” scenario. There is only one course of action which you can take, the Aloha Snackbar method. You take your position at the opening of the stall, drop your pants and bend over. Wrap your left hand thoroughly with toilet paper, don’t be stingy. Close your eyes, with your left hand reach around and release that liquid hell onto your toilet paper protected hand then quickly fling it into the toilet, or as close as possible. Look, this is pretty, you don’t want to be in this situation but you are, so just man the hell up and do it!

Okay my fellow shitters, there you have it, just a few special techniques to help you out in the next difficult situation you find yourself in. Remember you are somebody special, don’t let the ugly stigma of toilet issues get you down. There is no shame in shitting, everyone shits, so just go shit!

My Totally Awesome Podcast


So I see everyone has a podcast except me, well I’m going to change that really soon.  My podcast will be so Awesome everyone will want to tune in.

Now I realize I have no idea how to do a podcast, or what’s involved in making one, but why should I let that stop me. Hell, if Obama was able to get elected President twice with no experience in running anything then there is no reason I can’t get a podcast up and running.

I will probably make my podcast a funny one, you know keep it humorous and all.  If people want to listen to drama and negativity then they should just get back together with their ex.  Maybe, I will get a co-host and do some classic  “I Love Lucy”  style banter, I guess I can pretend I’m Cuban, now all I need is a female Ginger to play the Lucy part. We can talk about current events, or what we did last night, what movies we may have seen, and maybe I can get into a relationship with the Ginger and then we can hash out our differences on air, that would make for great podcast material.

I imagine at some point my podcast will become one of the five best podcasts on the internet, I will probably have millions of loyal followers, who won’t be able to get enough of me.  Sure, it might take a while to get that kind of audience, but I can’t see any reason why I wouldn’t get on ITunes right away, Well, most likely. Who knows maybe I can get my friend Pete to start a website and then he can have my podcast archived on the website that way people can go there and get my shows for free, at least at the start, then I will start charging $4.99 for a subscription. Maybe you are thinking $4.99 doesn’t sound like much. But believe me it will add up fairly quickly. $4.99 times a hundred thousand…you do the math, cause that’s a lot.

So to build my audience, I will have to get creative. Maybe I can do different characters, it will have a “In Living Color” theme about it. Except I will be in every sketch. I guess the only issue that could arise is that I really can’t do different voices or anything, maybe I could do my famous impression of Arnold Schwarzenegger, it comes in pretty handy when I’m at the gym. I also can do a fairly decent Monica from the sitcom Friends, but sometimes in the wrong company it can get pretty awkward.

Well, no matter what, you will defiantly want to experience my podcast as often as you can. And I really don’t think the word  “Experience”  is too strong of a word to use, because it really will be an experience. That is once I figure out how to record the podcast of course. But really, how hard can it be, right?

Here is another idea, what if I did more of a music type podcast? I could interview musicians after they play their latest hits. I think that sounds pretty amazing. I realize I would probably have to start off with local high school musicians until things started to take off, then I could get the big names in the music industry to stop by and play a few song and chat with me for a while. I think I will try to book Vanilla Ice as one of my first guests. Maybe he could even make up and opening soundtrack for my podcast. Wouldn’t that be pretty amazing?

I’m already getting pretty excited, it will be so great once folks start coming up to me and saying things like “Are you that podcast guy?” or “I’m a huge fan, can I get my picture taken with you?” Then of course I imagine there will be the crazy groupie women hanging around me all the time, but I’m okay with that. After all, celebrities like me need to keep the fans happy.

I have been trying to come up with a catchy name for my podcast, but how do you just pick one? It’s like impossible for me to do that. Maybe I will just call it  “The Most Amazing Podcast Ever”  I think that is pretty straight to the point. Or if I do a music type podcast maybe I can call it “Tune In” I still am playing around with the names.

I have so many ideas for this podcast just swirling around in my head, it’s kind of hard to focus right now. Here is an idea, maybe for the entire show I just yell out everything, kind of like I’m angry, but I won’t be, which will make it unique. Or I can randomly have someone fill in for me and see how long it takes for the audience to figure out it isn’t me. Another idea I had was to do something like an ambush podcast, where I will follow someone and then start asking them questions, they will be caught off guard and it will make for a great podcast, maybe I will interview them using my Monica voice, which might even be better yet.

I hope you can pick up on my enthusiasm for this podcast idea, and believe me when I say it will be launching soon. I’m excited that I will be bringing my patented brand of …well… whatever it will be to the world. That is once I figure a few things out, like how to record stuff and what, exactly I’m going to say. But I will probably start the thing in 2017. And I will for sure let everyone know once it’s “On Air” that way you won’t miss a show. And maybe, just maybe, with your help I will get to the number one slot on… well…whatever the podcast network is called.

So if you have a podcast, you better look out because I will be on the air soon. It will take the Internets by storm, most likely.

Team Hell Yeah!!


So why are these semi-crappy comic book hero movies so popular with people? I was watching the Avengers last night and it struck me that the reason they are so popular is because they work as a team…Well most of the time I guess.

If you look deeper into the comic book superhero world you will see that when they join forces and work together it sells movies and books. Who doesn’t like the whole team of hero’s idea anyways.. i.e. The Justice League…The Avengers… The X-Men. So the common theme is they are composed of unique individuals with special kick-ass talents that help everybody else get through difficult situations. Like aliens blowing up a city, mutant super-villains busting shit up, etc.

Now would it make sense if every superhero had the same powers? like an army of 500 Supermen, each one having the same strengths and weakness. That would be Awesome right? Wrong!! If everyone was the same, then it would take just a wee bit of kryptonite to take them all out…So being different, being unique, each with their own weakness and strengths is the best mix for an effective team.

So the whole point of this little story is that we can take this whole superhero team idea and make it work for ourselves in the real world.  Much like in the military, a strong well-trained team can accomplish amazing things.  So if you want to succeed with your goals, or just simply live a life surrounded by positive people who help each other, support each other and motivate each other to be the best you can be then you need to build your team.

Okay ..before we get started in the selection process. There will be some of you who say  “I’m a Lone Wolf Mudda Fukkar”  you prefer to do everything on your own. I get that. I like doing shit on my own as well, swimming upstream against the flow. I enjoy working out alone, I feel I get more done. But it doesn’t mean I still don’t have a group of people to lean on while going it alone.

Look at the people who you hang out with all the time. I would venture to say your body composition, eating habits, overall health, wealth and levels of success are all fairly close to each other. What’s this mean you say, it means you are who you hang out with.

Okay team building time. I did some research on effective team building, and what to look for in your peer group. It was actually pretty interesting the way they broke it down and the psychology behind it…totally above my pay grade but I can do simple. I thrive on simple, so in my humble simple opinion I would say there are four crucial people you need on your team for it to be effective..

“The Mentor”… This doesn’t need to be some all powerful Yoda that you worship…this is a guy or girl that you know that has had success in the areas in which you want to be successful. If you want to get stronger and bigger and you’re a skinny nerd, find somebody that used to be skinny that is now bigger and stronger and find out how they did it. If you want to lose weight or run a 5k, find somebody who has more experience and learn EVERYTHING you can.

“The Brother-in-Arms/Sister-in-Arms”…This is the guy or girl in the trenches with you, at the same level, struggling with the same things, working on the same stuff. When you have a crappy day, this person knows exactly how you feel. Because you’re both doing the same stuff and striving for the same goals, you have somebody to bounce any ideas, triumphs, struggles, or suggestions off of in your quest towards a better life.

“The Student”…Want to know the BEST way about to get better at something? Teach it to somebody else! Now, you’re probably saying, but I’m not an expert …Neither am I.  But on a scale of 1-100 …1 being a Newbie and 100 being the Greatest Expert who ever walked the earth…you might be a 7…So you can teach and mentor the 1-6 skill level group …We can all learn new things from others, we all have different life experiences. So we ALL have something to give and learn from each other.

“The Wildcard”… So what the heck is a wildcard? He or she is the person in your group that is completely unpredictable…The wildcard constantly keeps you on your toes, pushes you outside of your comfort zone, makes you try new things, and even attempt new activities. He/she will make you say  “WAIT, we’re going to do WHAT!? Sigh, screw it, LET”S DO THIS!”  If you’re not in at least one situation that scares the crap out of you while hanging out with a Wildcard, then you’re not saying  “okay FINE!”  enough.

So start building your team if you don’t already have one, the whole point is just to live the best life possible in the short amount of time we have been given, life is far too crazy to go it alone. Just make sure you fill the space with Positive, Supportive People !!

Go Team Hell Yeah!!

You Cancelled Your Gym Membership? What Have You Done?!



So far 2017 really isn’t working out for you is it? You can’t help but notice your life has skidded off the highway and landed into a ditch. Maybe your so called friends are ignoring you, they won’t even  “Like”  your status updates anymore.

What the hell?  Work seems to be going even worse, your boss suddenly hates you, your co-worker’s treat you like you have Ebola.  And now on top of everything thing else, your adorable little kitty won’t even get near you, all you want is just to snuggle with her but she scratches you and runs off….Face it, You have hit rock bottom my friend!

Do you remember the good ol’ days, you would come home from a long day of work and without fail your faithful little “fur baby”  would be there waiting for you at the door, seemingly excited that you had finally made it home. But now things are very different, there is tension in the air. You come home and nothing, nobody greats you, no faithful little fur baby anxious to see you.  Now your little hairball stares at you from across the living room, with that look, you know the look, the  “You make me sick”  look.

You do your best to get your fur campions attention, maybe you throw their favorite toy towards them, trying to entice them into some playful fun with you, but all you get is indifference, your fur babies glazed eyes, staring through you, piercing your soul, it is clear, your beloved fur companion wants nothing to do with you, you may as well be dead, because to your precious little kitty you already are.

How did you get to this point in life? You are in an emotional hell and you know it.  What could you have done to make the only thing you ever truly loved, because you are unable to maintain healthy human relationships, turn on you?  Is this Karma’s idea of payback for something you did? Are the Gods punishing you because you aren’t a true believer? Perhaps Mother Nature is conspiring to destroy you and all that you love because you left that McDonald’s wrapper on the ground instead of being an Eco-Warrior and picking that shit up….Shame on you!!  You disgust me as well. Just kidding I have no idea who you are, probably just some nutjob who is a pain in the ass to be around.

But you need to figure this problem out, you can’t possible keep living this life of misery. You can handle your life being a mess, face it, it always has been. And work sucks anyways, you are just noticing it more because your home life is in turmoil. So the solution is to find out why there is a problem at home, why does your beloved little fur ball hate you now?

Did this problem at home start that day you stole that parking spot from that poor old disabled man at the veterinarian’s office?  You remember him, he was just there to get his precious little companion checked on, poor lil fella had been sick for a week. But you were in a hurry and cut him off and you even laughed about it…Wow, you really are an asshole aren’t you? Karma should kick your ass.

After some soul-searching it dawns on you…

Everything in your life started going to shit about two months ago, when you decided not to renew your gym membership. You wanted to save a few bucks, you figured you would just workout at home, you have a few free weights, a yoga mat, everything you needed, remember? But you never did workout did you? Always too busy playing x-box, or feeding your fat face with Doritos and Cupcakes. You disgust me!

Not only did you let yourself down, you let your fur companion down as well. Do you think your beloved kitty wants to be around you now? You let yourself go, you are a pig. If you don’t respect yourself what makes you think your fur companion will respect you? The answer is it doesn’t, you lost your kitties respect the day you cancelled your gym membership. And from that day forward your life just spiraled out of control, but you were blind to it, until it was too late.

Now what? Well, let’s be honest, the damage is done. You have two options. First you can renew your gym membership and bust your ass trying to get back in shape, maybe, just maybe your fur companion will stick around and see if you will see it through, maybe once you show your kitty that you learned your lesson and are doing everything you can to repair the damage you caused, perhaps you can still have a relationship, a healthy one. It’s worth a shot

Or you can go with option two, quit your job, give your fur companion to someone who actually cares about their body and works out, then run away, move to another country, go to Mexico, live in a shack down by the beach and pray that the cartel doesn’t cut your head off for being a fat nasty gringo. But by then you would probably welcome that, you don’t want to live with your shame anymore, cancelling your gym membership? How could you be so stupid?

For your sake, and your fur baby’s sake I hope you get your ass back in the gym…Hurry, before it’s too late!

I’m Watching You!



When you have a memory as bad as mine you have to write everything down or it’s lost forever, so consequently I also have tons of  “Lists”  which help me remember things and keep myself organized.

Now I have the standard  “Shopping List”“To-Do List”  and the standard  “Neighbors that may be on or should be added to County Sex Offender and Violent Criminal Website List” just like you would find in any decent American household. I believe I currently maintain over 147 active lists at any given time.

Here are a few samples:


My List of Suspicious License Plates

I am reasonably certain that a house down the street from me is either an ISIS terror cell, a Crack House, an Unlicensed Day Care or a combination of the three. Since I  just attained my AA in Criminal Justice I feel it is my sworn duty to help local Law Enforcement watch this house, I have placed my telescope on the front porch and have recorded the license plates of over 580 vehicles that I don’t recognize and furthermore probably shouldn’t be on my street.


My List of Personal Grudges

I really can’t recall how many times I’ve had a delightful conversation with someone whom I assume I knew and was friendly with only to remember a few hours later that I hated their guts.

It can be a challenge to try and keep track of four decades worth of personal slights, family transgressions and trivial vendettas. So, in order to keep my enemies straight and my personal grudges straighter. I make sure to write them all down.


My List of Probable Signs of the Apocalypse

I do my best to stay one step ahead of the Four Horsemen, so I always keep a detailed list of signs that the world is about to go into Mega-Shit Mode. Looking at my current list of probable signs  …“Snowflake Marches”“Safe-Spaces”“Vagina Hats”  I’m pretty confident that we should all be meeting our maker sometime before the next Black Friday shopping day.


My List of Words I Need to Look Up

I have a good deal of interactions with young people or Hipsters as they call themselves, and they all seem to use words I have never heard of…Or they just make up words as they go which would be a sign of our failing education system. But in order to determine if these youngsters are being polite, disrespectful or are just mentally ill, I like to look up the words they use…For example here are a few words I wrote down yesterday after talking to a guy at the gym..“Frado”, “Jerry”,”Tassel”..Why can’t they just talk normal?


My List of Possible Medical Problems

As I get older I found it important to keep track of all my aches, pains and strange rashes. I just write down any medical problems I have each day, like yesterday I had an unexplained bout of hot flashes, and some unusual gland swelling, so next time I go see my VA doc I just pull out my list and go over every symptom I experienced since my last visit, I know my Doctor likes my thoroughness he even called me a Hypochondriac…Which reminds me I need to add that word to my List of Words I Need to Look Up ..But I’m pretty sure it means I’m almost a Physician or something medical.


My Personal Bucket List

Now this List has nothing to do with some crazy dreams of climbing the Empire State building naked, Playing President with Monica Lewinsky or meeting the Duck Dynasty cast…I’m actually talking about buckets that I would like to purchase, I’m currently interested in a rather fetching Orange 5 gallon bucket at Home Depot…Maybe today will be the day I throw caution to the wind and buy it!


My List of People I Have Outlived…So Far

As you age, at least for me, you get a certain pleasure of outliving people that you knew in your youth or celebrities which you found annoying. So every Sunday I like to sit down with a nice glass of Protein and a red pen, then I check the obituaries and TMZ, It’s one of the highlights of my week.

This is part of my  “Death Trilogy”  which comprises the  “List of People I Have Outlived”  the  “List of People I Plan to Outlive”  and of course the  “List of Annoying Celebrities Whom I Must Outlive”

If there are any fellow  “Listers”  out there please feel free to offer ideas for new Lists…I’m always looking for new List ideas…

The Good Old Days



Do you remember back in high school or college…you know when you were young and had transportation, that time period. The nights you were supposed to be studying or doing homework or just about anything other than having fun, but you decided to take off to the next state and get ice cream or drinks. Whatever it is that you would leave the state for and not care at all.

Or how about those times when a friend would get a hold of you and say  “do you want to…”  and before they could finish the sentence you said  “Hell Yeah, Let’s Go”

When you were younger  “spontaneity”  was the name of the game. You didn’t need plans, just the willingness to see what would happen.

Now that you’re older, think about it, when was the last time you did something completely spontaneous? Something that wasn’t planned, something that didn’t fit into your 5 year plan, or something that took you outside the  “comfort zone”  you now live in?

So recently I had an opportunity to do something ridiculous, at first I decided against it (my comfort zone is very comfortable) but then I thought about it and decided what the hell, so I changed my mind at the last minute and said yes! It turned out to be a great decision and I’m glad I took the chance and jumped out of my “comfort zone”

Your life is composed of stories and memories. And when we reach our  “Game Over”  it won’t be about our high score but rather how much fun we had playing the game.

We don’t remember the times we stay late at work and missed our kids game, the test we aced but passed up a once in a lifetime concert, or the  “No Thanks”  we gave to a friend because an event had some uncertainty attached with it.

What we will look back on and remember are the nights with friends staying up late, the days we played  “hooky” from work and took our kids out for an adventure.

So here’s the challenge I’m putting out there for you all, start mixing some spontaneity back into your life, Stop saying  “No”  every time there is uncertainty and start adding a few  “Yes’s” to the mix. It might not always turn out perfectly, but it might also give you a life changing story and terrific memories.

So here’s to making today and everyday a day filled with adventure!

You Went For A Walk And Now You Are Lost!


With all the technology at our disposal it seems like it would be almost impossible to get lost in the woods. But of course there are those good ol’ city folk out there that rarely step foot off the cement, let alone follow a dirt trail into the woods, so these are the people that could benefit the most from my “Woodland Survival Guide”  I intended for this simple guide to help even the most citified city folk survive getting lost in the great outdoors, and hopefully get you home in time for “House of Cards”

Now the first thing most wilderness experts will tell you if you get lost in the woods is not to panic, but this is bullshit, you should panic, fear is a great motivator, fear is what will keep you alive. Because if you don’t  “panic”  then when the bears find you they are going to turn your lack of panicking into their  “picnic” and you are the main course….So go ahead and Panic!

Okay, so you’re lost, you are gripped with fear and you’re really missing Starbucks right now, so what should you do? Once you realize that you are hopelessly lost, start dropping all your valuables and run, run as fast as you can. Leaving a trail of valuables will help you get located, not because anyone is looking for you, instead they are looking for the next valuable some idiot dropped on the ground, it may sound stupid, but hey stupid is what gets people found in the woods.

So, your running and dropping your valuables…try to capitalize on this blind, unreasonable fear your experiencing and sprint as hard and as fast as you can in any direction. Right now nothing else matters in life, not your family, not your job, not even your beloved cat, just run dammit!

Sometimes it helps if you keep repeating  “Dear God, this is not happening to me” over and over as you run. And I have been told by some city folk that they prefer to simplify it even further by repeating  “No…No… No”  over and over.  Now the logic in running as fast as you can and as far as you can is that eventually you won’t be lost anymore, you will either get rescued by someone collecting your valuables, or you will stumble upon a campsite or town.

So if leaving a trail of valuables and running as fast as you can doesn’t get you  “un-lost”  then no worries, don’t give up hope just yet. If you have a canteen, water bottle or flask of whiskey start taking big wasteful gulps, hell pour some out in honor of your dead homies. Perhaps you are now over your fear and have moved on to Hysteria, maybe you feel like collapsing to the ground like a little girl who lost her Barbie, maybe you are sobbing right now and snot is dripping from your nose, dammit you look pathetic, pull yourself together, you’re not dead…yet!

Anyways there will be time for that later when you accidentally stumble upon a mother bear and her cubs tearing apart a baby deer and you know that deer isn’t going to be enough to curb their appetite. But for now you still have a chance, look around you and take stock of the situation. Then you know what to do, that’s right start running again, put the pedal to the metal….Get the hell out of there!

Alright, since I have been bringing up bears and being attacked by bears and eaten by bears. What should you do if you come across a bear? First of all, don’t be shocked by the pitch and volume of your screaming, it’s okay, lots of people in your situation would do the same thing, but urinating on yourself? Come on man die with some dignity!

Okay, back to you screaming, go with it, they say it brings out your primal instincts. If that bear you are staring at starts charging you or seems aggressive in any way, you will need to use your head, you will have to outsmart this beast, so start running again, but this time right at the bear cub, grab it and hold it out in front of you, use it as a barrier between it’s really pissed off mother and you. Threaten to harm the cub, shake it, and maybe even spin it around like a little airplane, then release it and run like hell. Now some experts say a bear can run as fast as a horse for short distances, maybe it’s true, who knows, but I know what is a fact, that a man scared shit-less that is being chased by an angry bear can run as fast a cheetah, so don’t worry about it.

I guess I should mention what to do if the bear does somehow manage to catch you. So if the bear knocks you down and is standing over you, quickly grab it’s fur and pull yourself up its mammoth body until you can grab its mouth, it will probably be open so try to push it together the best you can so it has a hard time eating you, also while you’re up there you should try a head butting it, bears hate this. I learned that from a wooden Indian in Vegas. (Note: If the bear is really determined to eat you then you will be eaten, so it might be a good time to start yelling “No..No..No” again)

So if you were lucky and didn’t come across a bear, you will probably need to stop running and make a camp before it gets too dark out. So ideally you want to find some type of shelter that will keep you warm, dry and offer protection from deep, gouging puncture wounds usually associated with a nighttime bear encounter. I would suggest stacking log-pole pine tree’s into a log cabin style structure around eight or ten feet high. Cover it with a woven thatch and pine needle roof and seal the cracks between the log poles with mud or pine tar cement. If for some reason you are not able to achieve this before nightfall, which seems odd, because most men could handle that and still have time to craft a bed and mattress, but anyways if you can’t, then no worries, most bears and other creatures that could kill you sleep at night so you should be fine…probably.

You are probably getting hungry by now, you will need to maintain your energy so it would be a good idea to start looking for some food. You’re in luck, the woods can be an amazing provider and food is everywhere if you know where to look.

Now look around, look up, there in that tree, do you see it? It’s a tree rat, better known as a squirrel, they are everywhere, and they are easy to catch. Just sneak up on one that is feeding on the ground, grab it by the tail and fling it away from you as quickly as possible. With any luck it will hit its head on a rock and die for you. If by some unlucky chain of events it happens to land on you, quickly start running in a figure eight pattern while screaming  “Get it off me, Get it off me”  but nobody is there to get it off you , did you forget you are lost? But maybe, just maybe as your running around screaming the squirrel may fall off you and hit its head on a rock. Once you confirm it is dead, peel it open like a banana, pick out the gross parts you don’t want to eat and what you have left over is a protein rich source of nourishment which will help you keep running for a little bit longer.

So if you make it through your first day and night of being lost in the woods, you will awake with a new sense of purpose, you will suddenly feel like you can do anything. And after that wonder squirrel breakfast you’re ready to focus all your energy on getting yourself rescued. If you see plane or helicopter don’t try to flash anything shiny at them, this can cause blindness for the pilot and they are likely to fly into a mountain. The best way to get their attention is to start a fire, a big fire, hell if you need to burn down a thousand acres then do it, it’s all about survival right now. Also try to make smoke rings that is always cool and your rescuers will probably be pretty impressed with you.

And once you are finally spotted and you know help is on the way, try to remain calm, maybe say a prayer of thanks and take some time to get your story correct about what happened to the others that you were with…oh yeah…I forgot about them.