Why I Work From Home

  1. Attire

Safe at home with your coworkers and any sense of self-respect far, far away, burn your slacks and collared shirts. Slip into a stained T-shirt and pajama bottoms that will take you from day to night to day again. This soothing outfit will have you struggling to differentiate between skin and cloth. Rest assured, whether you finally get around to writing that report or more realistically fall asleep watching Chopped reruns, your new uniform will protect your soft, fleshy body.

 

  1. Food

Lunch breaks at the office are always rushed and unpleasant. You could bring something to reheat in the microwave, but Tina always stinks up the kitchen with her hard-boiled eggs. Usually you grab a salad from CVS and eat it in your cubicle while staring blankly at gray felt. At home, there aren’t any Tinas nor any sad CVS salads: it’s an absolute free-for-all. “Three square meals a day” is social construct which you no longer have to abide by. Dinner for breakfast, ice cream for lunch, cheese for second lunch. There isn’t a single moment that your fat mouth can’t be full of food and you better believe it will be.

 

  1. Less Drama

Small talk is one of the daily frustrations of office life. Smiling at Amy the receptionist six times a day gives you a headache and Ben in HR is always trying to get you to come to his stupid improv show. In the peaceful silence of your house you’ll never have to force a conversation again. There is no water cooler to gather around, no conference rooms, and no elevator trips. Your couch won’t make any comments about Amy’s dress and your coffee table won’t scoff at those comments. Feel free to create this dialogue out loud because no one will be around to hear it. In fact, there is so much emptiness that the sound waves coming from your mouth travel into the void and reverberate off the walls echoing your own voice back at you as if to say, “You’re completely and utterly alone.”

 

  1. Health Benefits

Commuting, long hours, and the disgusting office showers make exercising a huge chore, but working from home gives you the flexibility to go for a daily run or even head to the gym. Exercising is not only great for your health, it improves productivity. Having this as an option which in the future you might choose but otherwise hangs over your head like a dark cloud threatening to release a deluge of rain is great.

 

  1. Time Management

The regimented schedule of office life is harsh. You wake up before dawn to work nine hours straight and then come home to enjoy a few hours of uninterrupted relaxation. Telecommuting gives you the freedom to work literally any time. During your morning cup of coffee? You could be working! When American Pickers is on? You could be working! While you watch the birth to your first child? You could be working! Eschewing the office timetable gives you the option to work every second of every minute of every hour of every day, just like you always wanted.

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