I don’t think there was any way he could have seen me, I have mastered the art of peeking through my blinds without drawing the least bit of attention to me. I watched him as he went about his unlawful activity, thinking no one was watching his every move.
My jaw dropped as he pushed out small mounds of trash from the floor boards of his late model Japanese shitbox. Hamburger wrappers, plastic packaging, Walmart bags, all thrown to the ground with no regard for the neighborhood you were contaminating. I went from shock into a Eco-Warrior type anger, even though I’m not an Eco-friendly kind of guy, but this blatant littering seemed to bring out the tree-hugging activist in me. My anger quickly morphed into an old TV commercial I had seen as a kid, I felt like that crying Indian on horseback as I watched the garbage of the white man litter my sacred grounds.
I began to debate my options, should I channel the crying Indian on horseback and run out there and scalp her? Should I channel my passive-aggressive side and friend him on Facebook then post a status about littering and how it is a crappy thing to do without directly addressing him?
Now I know for a fact he threw out some McDonalds McCrap wrappers so let’s take a moment and tally up the Eco-Score. Number of points accumulated for harming the environment (7) a few of those McCrap wrappers might make their way into our local drinking water source (you never know) And points for making my neighborhood look like it’s a street in Detroit (11). I recently read an article that said it can take up to 1000 years for one Walmart bag to totally decay, that seems like a long ass time to me. I was hoping to get that trash picked up before then. And also I need to tack on some points for making me get angry and emotional turn into the crying Indian dude, nobody likes to see a grown-ass man cry (20) points. Oh and let’s add a few penalty points for making me spy on him like a weird creeper (4) points. So let’s add that up, that’s (42) points that Asshole earned so far, on the Eco-Score chart that makes him a Enviro-Terrorist, I will be making a call to Homeland security when this is all over with.
It was time to act, enough with the point system, it was time I go score some points for Mother Nature. I decided the best course of action would be to write an angry letter and tape it to his car. I had a real struggle on how to address it, is “Dear Shithead, I Saw You Litter, You Repulse Me” to harsh of an opening address? But I looked out my window again and saw those McCrap wrappers laying there, so I re-worked my opening address and used a word that could only be re-produced in most media outlets with symbols, such as #,@,!!,and %…Yeah I went full frontal profanity on his ass!
So for the next 22 minutes I really broke new ground in my liberal use of profanity and sarcasm, it was truly an Epic rant, I was bewildered as to where these Eco-emotions were coming from. Perhaps I was feeling a sense of social-responsibility hoping my actions could right a wrong and make our society function smoothly again. I pounded my fist on the table and muttered to myself “Respect my neighborhood and I will Respect you” I felt spiritually enlightened, somehow writing all these profane words was releasing so much pent up angst. I don’t usually use profanity in my everyday life, I find it to be the words of the weak, I always thought using “bigger” words was a sign of strength, but dammit this felt good.
I could actually feel the sweat pour from my forehead, it burned my eyes, or was I crying again? Was that damn Indian channeling me? Were these words his words? No…this had to be me, this was my fight, not his. As I continued to scribble my words down, I knew deep down I was standing up for something worth standing for. I imagined this is how the founding fathers felt when they signed the Declaration of Independence, or perhaps when Bruce became Caitlyn.
After 3 hours, my little letter was literary perfection. I think one day historians will look back on this document as the textbook example of how angry neighbors should correspond with one another to solve their differences. I neatly folded this Epic rant on parchment, gently placed it in an envelope and symbolically sealed it in wax, using my family crest ring to give the symbolic wax an heir of regal nobility. (Yeah, so licked it with my fat tongue to seal it) the deed was done. All I can say is welcome to Shamesville Asshole, population…You!
My neighbor had left while I was working on the document, so I quickly ran over shoved it into the seal on his front door, it would be impossible to miss, I only hoped he would stand there and read it on his porch so I could see his reaction. In my mind I played it over and over, he would read it, then turn around looking to see if anyone was watching, he would lower his head in shame, and slowly walk out to where his garbage was strewn and collect it up in shame. Oh, and he was crying, lots of crying.
I watched out my window for my neighbors return, but he must have been in town, collecting more garbage, it was taking forever. So I got bored, so occupied my time painting crappy little fish and other things. But later I saw his car coming down the road, so I quickly ran to take my spot to watch the drama unfold. I watched him get out of his car, he was carrying more Walmart bags, this guy must be one of the people of Walmart or something, anyways I glanced over at the door where I placed the letter…It was gone? What the hell? My masterpiece was missing, where could it have gone? I watched him coolly walk into his house without being confronted by my letter of Eco-Justice. All that work, all that profanity, for nothing. All I can think of is the wind must have blown it away, Mother Nature screwed this up I thought, she is to blame. So in a tantrum I grabbed a few sheets of paper towel and open my front door and threw them into the wind…Screw It!!