Your Kid’s Name Is What?


So I got really pissed off today, I had a conversation with an old friend I haven’t spoken to in a long time, he was telling me about his wife and their two children, whose names are “Sia”  and  “Abril”…What? Can you guess which one is the boy? This kind of weird child naming pisses me off, I almost home CPS takes their kids away and renames them  “Sara” and  “Abel”  good ol’ biblical names.

Maybe I’m the only one who has paid attention the last ten years, but there is this weird virus that’s going around infecting newly minted parents, and it causes these parents to name their kids these weird, un-pronounceable names that make no sense. It sickens me to think that parents who live here in the  “Land of the Free”  would name their boy child, their blood-line, the heir to the throne, a shitty ambiguously-gendered name that will lead to nothing but ridicule and shame for their kid.  If the day ever comes that I meet a 80- year old man named  “Abril”  I will pull him close and whisper in his hearing aid  “I’m so sorry”…If you want to name your boy something gender indiscriminate, how about just cut to the chase and call him “Pat”.

I did some research on this whole name thing, back in the 1940’s there was only five names you could name your boy. And those options were Jack, John, Paul, Gary, Bob.  Some say these were the good ol days of male naming. Men had Manly names…Period!  The decline of proper child naming started with the Hippie movement, those freaks started naming their kids after nature and acid trips. But to be completely fair I don’t count Hippies as real people, some then I’m left to blame Liberals.

Now I could touch on the African American community, and some of the strange names that they think up…BUT I’m sure someone somewhere will call me a racist and the PC police will come arrest me, so I will just let this community have their fun.

I don’t think it’s too late for things to change, and I don’t think you have to choose from the same crop of names to make your first male child a masculine one. For instance, I have a friend named who named his boy  “Bane”  Not a name you hear all the time, but still super manly and it brings to mind a shirtless man wearing bullet belts across his chest and of course wearing a respirator.  If I mentioned the name of one of your children in this article in a negative way, just know that I don’t mean it personally. Maybe they’ll grow up to be something great despite their handicap, anything is possible these days.

Hell, I never in my wildest thoughts would I have imagined that one day the President of the United States and the leader of the free world would have had a name like Barack Hussien Obama.

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