I Once Flew To Vegas With A Biker Named Stumpy!

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My best piece of advice for you and something I learned the hard way when I was younger, it is always, always in your best interest to carry a weapon with you.  Never leave your home without a weapon.  Look at me right now, I just got through airport security and I even have a weapon, but I’m not going to show you it because I don’t know if you’re a lil bitch or anything yet.  But anyways if you remember anything about this talk just remember  “Stumpy”  told you to carry a weapon…Got it?

No matter what type of business transactions you find yourself involved in always ask for cash up front and if they don’t have it then you wait until they do, never give someone credit or a loan, you are just pissing money away.

Speaking of money, keep your money stashed somewhere safe.  Don’t screw around with banks, they are the biggest bunch of criminals out there.  I always go hide my cash somewhere at my mom’s house nobody goes there and I know she won’t be looking for it.  And whatever you do don’t ask your ol’ lady to hold on to it for you, chances are you won’t see it or her again.

And speaking of ol’ ladies, if you ever get your ass hitched with one make sure you keep the receipt ya know what I mean, just in case she is hiding something or end’s up crazier than a three dollar bill.  And let me tell you another thing I learned the hard way when it comes to them ladies you can never be totally sure if one of them doesn’t have a penis tucked away, so always give them a good inspection before you drive it home, know what I’m saying?

If you are ever hurting for some green, you know cash…You can ask a buddy who has a dog to let it attack you, make sure it chews you up real good, then you go down to city hall and threaten to sue them because they don’t have a good animal control service, you know what I mean right? A dog catcher.

My second cousin Pete did it, the city settled with him right away now he is living the good life in Bullhead City selling bootleg Oakley sunglasses to tourists. It totally works….trust me.

Never buy, sell, or do Meth. My friend Rico did that and now he walks around Vegas in his underwear collecting cans and eating out of dumpster, fuck that shit.

Oh yeah don’t mess around with Crack either, you will end up dead. Trust me…dead! Maybe you won’t, I don’t know…I’m drunk right now but you will probably end up dead.

If you ever have any disposable income, you know extra cash burning a hole in your pocket. Invest it in defense companies, we are always going to be blowing some third world shithole up so that’s always a good return for your money.

Karate or Kick Boxing can always be listed on job applications as a special skill, it looks badass and who knows that might just land you a job.  Also say you speak Russian, chances are they don’t speak it so they won’t know you’re just babbling on in some bullshit language you just made up.

Never trust the government, they don’t trust you so don’t trust them.  Don’t vote and don’t pay your taxes, chances are they will never know, I have never paid taxes and look at me I’m doing just fine.

Another thing I learned the hard way is never let a dude sleep in the same bed as you, I don’t care how rough and tumble he might seem you’re always going to wake up being spooned, and that is something you don’t want to wake up too….Trust me!

If someone ever pays you to do a torch job on some building make sure you bring more than one lighter, nothing more embarrassing than to be sitting there in the dark surrounded by gasoline trying to rub two rocks together to get a spark.

If there’s one place you should visit before you die, it should be the bunny ranch outside of Vegas. You better bring lots of money, but trust me they will treat you right. And my sister works there so it’s always like a family reunion when I go.

I’ve never been any good at this modern technology stuff, but something I did learn that I can share with you is if you ever get an email from a Nigerian Prince claiming to have a bunch of money for you or if you get an email from a dignitary in Zimbabwe that has a palace he wants to sell you dirt cheap I would go with the dignitary from Zimbabwe, a palace sounds pretty amazing, but I can’t do anything about it right now since I don’t have a bank account but if you get one of those emails I would say act fast.

And lastly you should try to invent something, maybe an electrified surf board so sharks don’t attack surfers.  There have been a lot of shark attacks lately so that would be something to look at, are you handy at all?  I think you would make a fortune, but if you do I think I should get at least ten percent off the top since it was my idea. I consider myself an ideas man, I come up with the stuff and let other people make it happen and as long as I get my share it’s all good, I would hate to show up on evening to your home and break your legs, cause I like you, but I will totally break your legs, it’s just business, nothing personal.

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