Montana(ish) Humor

montanaishhumorposts

 

Montana(ish) Humor

 

The Helena Diner

So this guy stops by a local Helena diner around noon, it’s the busiest time of the day, so he goes and sits down at the counter and asks the waitress for a cup of coffee. So the waitress, who grew up on the rough streets of Butte, Montana gives him his coffee then rushes off to help the other customers who are having lunch there at the diner.

Now the guy who ordered coffee likes to use both creamer and sugar in his coffee, but the container for both of them are empty. When the waitress rushes by him, he asks her to bring him some cream and sugar for his coffee. But the waitress, who is now busier than ever forgets about the man’s request and rushes by him again taking food to other customers.

When she passes the cabinet where the extra sugar and cream is kept , she puts her plates down and grabs some sugar cubes and creamer, then puts both of them in her bosom since both her hands are full. When she served her plates to the other diners she returned to the man and asks him “How many sugar cubes did you want in your coffee?”  The man says, “Two is fine”  she reaches into her bra and pulls out two sugar cubes and into hos coffee cup she drops them. “And cream?”  she asks. The man looks at her right in the eyes and says  “You wouldn’t dare!”

 

 

Helena’s Bad-Ass Staci

A teacher at Helena Middle School gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. So the next day the kids came back to class and one by one began to tell their stories.

Peggy said, “My Dad is a Chef and we have to go to the store all the time to buy food for his restaurant. One time we went to a local farmer to buy a bunch of eggs for the restaurant, we placed all the eggs in a basket in the back of our truck, but on the way back Dad had to swerve to miss a deer in the road, but all the eggs went flying everywhere and got broken, causing a huge mess.”

“And what’s the moral of the story?” asked her teacher…

“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket!”

“Excellent” her teacher said.

“Okay, Annie, your turn” said the teacher, Annie said… “Well my parents are the ones that own the farm that Peggy and her Dad bought the eggs from. We usually just raise chickens for the meat, then sell them to local stores. But there was this one time when we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only had ten live chicks. So the moral of the story is don’t count your chickens until they are hatched” 

“That was a very good story Annie”  said the teacher.

“Billy, do you have a story to share?”

“Well yes I do, my Dad told me this story about my Aunt Staci. Now Aunt Staci was born and raised in Helena, and after high school she joined the Army and was an Apache helicopter pilot during the war in Iraq, her helicopter got hit and she had to make an emergency landing in enemy held territory and all she had on her was a bottle of Jack, an M4 rifle and a bayonet. So she drank the whiskey and then headed out towards her base in Baghdad. But on her way she ran across 85 enemy troops, who engaged her in a firefight, she ended up killing seventy-five of them with her M4, but ran out of ammo, then she charged the remaining ten enemy troops and killed seven of them with her bayonet until it broke when she shoved it into one of their skulls, she then killed the last three enemy troops with her bare hands, she even bit off one guys ear and kept it as a souvenir”

“Holy Cow”  the shocked teacher said  “What kind of moral did your Dad tell you from that horrible story?”

“Don’t fuck with Aunt Staci when she has been drinking”

 

 

The Montana Tax Genie

Now there was a Hipster from East Helena who went to a dude ranch outside Bozeman, he decided to go riding a horse off in the woods by himself, but he got lost, and spent several days wandering around the woods without food or water.

The Hipster started to get weak and he fell off his horse, the horse then took off without him. Being that he was too weak to walk he began to crawl through the woods, he was certain the end was near, then all of the sudden the Hipster sees an object sticking out of a hole in the ground. It appeared to be an old briefcase. He open it and out pops a Genie.

But this was no ordinary Genie. She was wearing a Montana State Revenue Service ID badge and wore a dull grey dress, she also had a calculator in her hand.

She had a pencil tucked behind one of her ears. The Genie said  “Well, what do we have here? Looks like a Hipster to me. Anyways you know how this works, you have three wishes”

The Hipster said  “I’m not falling for this”  then he said  “I’m not going to trust some state tax collector Genie”

The Genie said  “Well Mr. Hipster, what do you have to lose? You have no transportation and it looks to me like you don’t have much time left anyways”

The Hipster thought about it for a minute and decided that the Genie was right…”Ok, I wish I was in a Starbucks with all the Latte’s and Biscotti’s I could handle”

************POOF*************

The Hipster finds himself in the Starbucks in Helena, Montana. He is surrounded by Venti sized Pumpkin Spice Latte’s and Silver platter’s full of Biscotti’s and plenty of apron wearing Barista’s to cater to his every wish.

“Ok, Hipster boy, what’s your second wish?”….The Hipster then said  “I wish that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams”

***************POOF***************

Then the Hipster finds himself surrounded by ornate treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems…”Alright, Hip Boy, you have just one last wish…Better make it a good one” said the Genie.

Now the Hipster thought about it for a few minutes, then he said…”I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women want and need me”

**************POOF**************

The Hipster then turned into a Tampon.

The moral of the story….If the Montana State Revenue Service offers you anything, there is always going to be a string attached!

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