For some of you it’s your best friend, it keeps you safe from harm, some of you even let them curl up next to you on the bed as you sleep at night. But do any of you ever wonder how your pet man-eating lion feels about you? Some people and I’m not saying you are one of them, often take their man-eating lions for granted. For just $14.99, the cost of a first date, you can spoil your man-eating lion and let it know how much you truly love it and value it.
There recently was a survey done among man-eating lion owners that showed nearly 68% consider their man-eater to be part of the family, while the other 32% considered their man-eating lion a vicious predator that would not hesitate to snatch their sleeping children out of their beds and eat them in the living room as soon as their supply of night-time tranquilizer snacks runs out.
I would say these numbers are very encouraging, but it still seems to me that people need to work harder on getting their man-eating lions more involved in the family’s daily activities. Same principle you apply to your “friend with benefits” as they too need some type of reassurance like flowers or a thoughtful card that the guilt they feel from the noncommittal sexual relationship they are in with you is worth their time and energy.
So one of the first things you could do to start pleasing your man-eating lion is to actually start thinking like a man-eating lion. Perhaps you could make certain changes to your home, in order to make your man-eater feel more welcomed. Man-eating lions like the dry arid Serengeti style environment, so maybe buy some plants that are native to that region, greening up your living room will make them happy and you healthier…It’s science and shit. I have heard of some owners that even go as far as having a “water hole room” for their man-eaters. They put sandy soil, water, floating vegetation and even plastic crocodiles in it to give it a real feel.
Now everyone knows that man-eating lions love to exercise, and even though a good romp through the basement and hallways of your apartment building can be great for rainy or snowy days, nothing beats a fun trip to the park at least twice a week, in order for them to really stretch out those muscles.
But word of warning…Most likely there are no man-eating lion parks in your home town and admittedly for a good reason. Man-eating lions like peace and quiet and usually the domesticated ones prefer to live a solitary life free from the pride life of their cousins. So if your town does not have a designated man-eater park then the next best place to take them is the local dog park and who knows if you are lucky you might not have to feed them later when you get home.
Now when it does come time to feed your man-eater, just like it is with men, one sure way to your man-eaters heart is through its stomach. Word of Caution….Man-eating lions can be a little hard to please sometimes when it comes to food. Since they are predatory carnivores, they usually prefer their meat to be alive and kicking so to speak. Now, for those lucky few who have gotten their man-eaters to eat out of a can, why not spoil them once in a while by taking out their pent up wild tendencies?
Next time it’s feeding time why don’t you drape a slab of meat over your spouse and have them crawl around on the living room floor making pig sounds, soon you will see your man-eaters eyes light up as it prepares to attack your spouse. And before you know it you will watch in amazement as your man-eater leaps through air landing with a hammering thud as its massive paws pin your spouse to the ground, it will be easy to see how happy you made your man-eater as its eyes glaze over as its predatory instincts kick in.
Now before your man-eater actually eats your spouse you will quickly need to step in with a baseball bat and stern “NO” If you took the time to work with your man-eater when it was younger they will understand what “No” means and will release your spouse unharmed. Be sure to put the work in when they are young, otherwise you are just asking for trouble when they are older.
Another fun way to feed your man-eater, is to feed it live a live deer or goat in the backyard. You can set up a special little hunt for it. All you need to do is release the deer or goat in your yard then little your man-eater loose and watch the antics begin. If you are feeling adventurous you can join in with the hunt, just be sure to use slow movements, then a high-speed burst as you pounce on the prey, just like your man-eater does. Sometimes your man-eater might get tired out chasing the prey and it won’t deliver a fatal blow to kill the prey, so this will fall upon you since you are the owner, you can just bite the spinal cord on top of the neck of the prey, just where the head and neck join. Afterward, together, you and your man-eater can drag the dead carcass to your man-eaters special eating spot, for later consumption. By participating with your man-eater during its “hunt” it will help bring you and pet closer together.
So hopefully some of these simple ideas can get you and your man-eater on track to a happy and healthy relationship. And who knows maybe your man-eater will stop mauling you every time it gets mad at you.