For some reason I have been on a joke telling kick today, any chance I had I was telling jokes to people I know, for the most part my jokes sucked. Mainly because I would start to tell the joke and forget the punch line or leave out a few crucial details, so if today was any indication my hopes of being a stand-up comedian are pretty much dead in the water.
But, if there was one bright spot to my day it was that I totally rock at one certain genre of joke telling and that happens to be “Yo Momma” jokes. As a matter fact I think I’m so damn good at it, that I should write down my formula so that I may pass my knowledge on to others in order to keep the genre alive. I was going to write about my Cat today but I feel this is really important, even more important than my Cat….So let us begin.
“Yo momma is so ugly she looked out the window and got arrested for mooning” See, wasn’t that funny? You weren’t expecting me to jump right into a joke, right? See that’s why I would make a good teacher, anyways sit down and shut up cause class is about to begin!
Now as simple as “Yo Momma” jokes are, they are steeped in history, scientists have found “Yo Momma” jokes scribbled on ancient cave walls next to the goats and horses that the cavemen use to draw. So it’s clear they have stood the test of time and will continue to be comedy gold for years to come. And what makes them so good is the fact you can use them anywhere and anytime, perhaps you are at a wedding, or birthday party, or just walking the street, inserting a perfect “Yo Momma” joke into your everyday conversations is the best way to make new friends, break the ice on a date, or just past the time while you’re riding a train or bus.
Over the years I have perfected a formula which will help you find the right person to tell the joke to, when to deliver the joke and what to do after you dropped the “Yo Momma” bomb. And as a bonus, if you can master my formula you will be able to score with the ladies or guys or whatever you are into. So if you are ready to rise above the ordinary and take your joke telling abilities to the next level, if you want to be a “Yo Momma” success story, then follow my simple yet effective “Yo Momma” formula.
Finding the right target…
Now sometimes this can be tough, you can’t allow yourself to look desperate or needy, keep your emotions on an even keel, even if you have the greatest “Yo Momma” joke ever told just waiting to be unleashed on some unsuspecting victim, stay cool! It helps if you think of yourself as a secret agent, and a secret agent isn’t going to get all excited and pee their pants cause they can’t wait to start their mission. No, you are going to just stand there and say Kick-Ass shit in a deep, commanding voice, sometimes it helps to bring a cigar and smoke it real slowly.
Once you have gotten yourself into a cool, calm and collected state of mind. Start looking around at the people you are with. Do you notice anyone talking way too much? Are there any dudes wearing sandals and socks? How about any Hipsters? If you see any of these target markers then safe to say that’s your victim. The key to selecting your victim in a group of people is just find the one that nobody wants to listen to, talk to, or look at. That way everyone else will be on your side when you drop the “Yo Momma” bomb on them.
Now that you have your victim selected, wait for the right opening….
It can be difficult at times to know what opening to shoot for. Generally your victim leaves so many opening it’s tough to choose the right one, if you take a bad opening it could totally ruin the potential for a Kick-Ass “Yo Momma” bomb.
Remember don’t get too excited, keep calm, otherwise you may accidentally shoot your “Yo Momma” load too soon, it’s all about timing, otherwise you are the one that will look like the dumbass. Look for the opening that is easy to exploit…like Yo Momma!! (BAM) sorry, let that just be a lesson for you.
The Tag Team
Sometimes it helps to get your buddy’s involved, so let a friend know that something big is about to go down, right before you drop the “Yo Momma” bomb. Doing so will help ensure that at least one person will have your back and laugh at your joke. I like to use a simple elbow jab or my famous “Head Nod” but just be sure that you don’t do anything weird, like accidentally elbowing your friend in the face or head butting him instead of just nodding…trust me it happens.
Always Look Vanilla Ice Cool
Once you have dropped your “Yo Momma” bomb, it’s pretty important to follow it up by looking really, really cool, and let’s face it nothing looks cooler than looking Vanilla Ice cool!
The idea is that when everyone else turns to look at you after you just humiliated your victim, you want to look like a total BadAss…Ice Ice Baby! Don’t you even think of smiling, look smug. I like to carry one of those switchblade combs, even though I’m bald, it look really BadAss to flick it open like you are gonna cut a fool. Also be ready with some sexy ass shades you can slide on real fast, then lean back just a bit and cross your arms. Finish it off with a slow head nod. I promise you, if you pull it off people will start clapping, women will throw themselves at you…it will be Epic!
Okay, I should address one potential problem when it comes to using the “Yo Momma” joke, it may get tricky if you choose a victim that has a deceased mother. It can get awkward when you drop an award winning “Yo Momma” bomb and just as you are going Vanilla Ice cool, slipping your shades down and then the victim tells you his mother passed away. It happens to the best of us, but if you take precautions you can easily avoid this awkward situation.
Test The Waters
Once you have selected your perfect victim, run a little test to inquire on the mom situation. You could start by slipping the topic of dead relatives into a meaningless conversation.
“Man, check out that hot chick over there…So, anyone have any dead relatives?”
This test is nearly undetectable. Maybe a few people around you will think you are a creep for a few minutes, they soon will be worshiping you when you drop your magnificent “Yo Momma” bomb.
Sometimes, when you’re in the zone and the perfect opening arises so unexpectedly that you don’t have time for a proper feel out. You have to deliver the “Yo Momma” bomb and you need to do it now! Here’s what you can do to save face in this situation when the “mom” in question hasn’t been around for a while.
Operation Save Face
Like they say on Comedy Central, the best offense is a solid defense, so be sure to anticipate that your Awesome “Yo Momma” bomb might end up being a “dud” due to family tragedy…These are the best ways to save yourself.
The Un-Emotional Save
“Yo momma so fat, when she turns around, people give her a welcome back party!”
“My mom is dead”
“Well I guess the party is over”
The Emotional Save
“Yo momma so dumb she studied for a drug test! “
“My mom is dead”
“Oh No, Really sorry to hear that, she probably would have passed the test”
So it’s all about attitude, being cool…Vanilla Ice cool and most importantly perspective, there is a “win-win” even your mom would be proud of…if she hadn’t swallowed all her pride last night. (BAM) Sorry, just keeping you on your toes.