I have been giving it a lot of thought lately and I have come to the conclusion that I would put a dollar amount on just about anything and everything in my life. What about you? What would you do for money and how much money are we talking?
What got me thinking about this was I heard a guy say he would do “Anything” for some money and it made me wonder, if someone was really, truly hard up for some quick cash would they actually do “Anything” for some money?
Would they have certain limits on what they would do? I know for myself I wouldn’t do “Anything” for money, but there is a lot of crap I would do. I played this scenario in my head as a test. Imagine if some rich weirdo came up to me with his odd looking friend and the rich guy said “I would give you a million dollars if you kiss my friend” I look at his friend and it happens to be Bruce/Caitlyn Jenner…My immediate reaction is Ewww…No that’s gay! But then he opens up a briefcase with a million bucks in it. So I start doing the math, one bottle Listerine, one can lighter fluid, one Bic lighter, two packs of gum and a wire scrub brush…That would leave me with zero dignity and self-respect, But about $ 999,970 richer.
I like lists, I think lists make things in life easier to understand, so I am making a list of a few things I would do and how much money I would do them for. Just in case there is anyone out there with a lot of money and you like to amuse yourself by making bets with financially strapped individuals like myself, just to see if they will humiliate and de-grade themselves for your sick pleasure…I’m your guy, just saying!
Slice one foot off with a Samurai Sword (Never to have it sewn back on): $2,500,000
Slice one foot off with a Samurai Sword (Foot sewn back on by surgeons): $1,500,000
Use a chainsaw to chop my foot off (Never to have it sewn back on): $2,750,000
Smash a whiskey bottle over my face (empty bottle): $1,200
Smash a whiskey bottle over my face (filled with acid): $500,000
Jump off a trampoline into a kiddie pool full of broken glass: $3,000
Jump from a three story building into a kiddie pool of broken glass: $700,000
Have the word “Creep” tattooed on my forehead: $100,000
Have the word “Belieber” tattooed on my forehead: $5,000,000
Have sex with Ronda Rousey: $4
Now as I was making this list I got to an interesting point. What dollar amount would it take for me to give up on intercourse forever? I think to give up on just one night’s worth of intercourse…Maybe $50, that would be enough to buy me dinner and some little treat for myself. How about a week? Well since I’m almost a born again virgin it really wouldn’t be a big deal, let’s say $100…Easy Breezy!
But for a lifetime? Let’s just say at $100 a week x 52 weeks, that’s $5,200 for a year, now I figure I have maybe 20 years at best left so that would work out to about $104,000 to give up intercourse for the rest of my life. I enjoy intercourse, with the right person it can be the best part of life. So even if I did take the $104,000 and abstain forever, I figure after about two years I would probably go insane (more insane) and kill myself and probably some others that were around me. Let’s face it can you really put a price on celibacy when you look as good as me? I think not, it wouldn’t be fair to those lucky ladies out there who are currently ignoring me but will probably come to their senses at some point.
This epiphany really made me proud and I was happy to inform everyone who could hear the screams from my room. Men can play more video games, replace daytime soap operas with a re-run of last night’s game and take salads off restaurant menus for good.
Now I’m sure someone out there reading this is saying “You would never do anything on that list even if given the opportunity and money” And you know what, you would be freaking correct. At the moment I believe I would do this crap for the money, but come tomorrow my list and my will to carry them out will completely vanish, I will look back on this as irrelevant scribble and most likely forget completely about it all in two days.
In the beginning I said after a few important items, I would kiss Bruce/Caitlyn Jenner because his rich weirdo friend offered me a million bucks to do it. But what if I hit the MegaJackpot tomorrow? There would be no way in Hell I would kiss a man, especially one named Caitlyn Jenner, So in essence, this list is just a reflection of two things…
My lack of substantial funds.
My desire to find a way to live like a Mega-Rich Saudi Oil Prince.
So perhaps I will keep my list in my head for now. I wouldn’t want to be foolish and write off getting easy coin for something as easy as a paper cut across my eyeball or something. So out of morbid curiosity and reader participation…What would you do for big money and how much would you charge?