I Am Far Too Important Now…I Need To Hire A Personal Assistant!

iamfartooimportantnow

 

I believe I have reached a certain level of self-importance that I now require a personal assistant to help me out with my daily activities.  If you are interested in becoming my personal assistant just read the following job description then submit to me your resume and a twenty-five dollar processing fee.

 

Personal Assistant Position

Brief Description of Duties:

During winter months you will arrive early and start my car to warm it up…Or if your car is nicer than mine you will drive me around in yours… This will be determined later.

You will prepare my Pre-Workout drink in a shaker bottle, properly shaked. (I will fire you on the spot if there is clumps of pre-workout in my shaker bottle…shake well!)

If I faint, trip, or get knocked out you will throw yourself to the ground to break my fall.

You will prepare my daily meals, I require 8 individual meals of 2000-2500 calories each, you will also be expected to purchase the food for me, remember you aren’t doing this for the money you are doing this job for the experience.

You will be required to purchase your own firearm and be ready to use it at a moment’s notice.

You should also be a masseuse, I will require twice daily massages.

You will be asked to do many things society and law enforcement consider illegal or immoral, you should have no issues in carrying these requests out, without questioning why.

You will bath my cat at least once a week.

 

Required Skill-Sets:

You must be detail oriented, If I ask you a question, you need to have an answer or access to Google.

You must have good communication skills. You will be asked to carry out various transactions for me in my name, you should also learn Spanish.

I have several odd behaviors, such as spending the majority of my day nude. You must be able to handle this situation. And if I ask you to undress because your clothing is making me un-comfortable then you must undress quickly.

You must be athletic, there will be times I chase after you in my car…for my own amusement, so you should be a runner.

You should have good situational awareness, I have a habit of throwing things at my assistants so you need to be ready at all times.

You should be skilled in the martial arts, I will ask you to kick people’s asses for me, some may just be for the sport of it others because they talked to me without seeking permission first, and regardless I expect you to teach them a lesson.

I occasionally have legal trouble, so you will be required to lie under oath and to be an alibi. Will you be willing to swear under oath that a truck full of weapons seized by the ATF is yours and yours alone?  You may also be asked to  “Disappear”  witnesses, but we will talk about that later.

You will be required to apply baby oil to my body, I like to have a nice then sheen on me at all times, this will be your main priority.  And I expect nothing but excellence in this area from you.

 

Where To Apply:

Bring your resume, (2) full body photographs and the twenty-five dollar processing fee to the Starbucks downtown on Saturday, between the hours of 1-3pm, just leave them with the girl at the counter, tell them it’s for the Personal Assistant position.

I will collect them all and review them over the weekend, I will ask the top three candidates to meet me at an undisclosed location for an oil wrestling tournament and the winner will get the position.  Remember I only want Winners, so only Winners should reply, Losers don’t bother, I will only ridicule you.

 

Job Benefits:

First and Foremost you get to serve me and that in itself is priceless….Never Forget That!

Free Bikini uniform

An Untraceable Cellphone

Adventure

Obamacare

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