So I had a bad experience at the gym yesterday, there was this new guy in there, one that I have never seen before, I always tend to go at the same times every day and the same regulars are always there, I feel comfortable with that group, we all do our own thing, they all seem to know what machines I’m working on or what weights I’m using and they never try to interfere, so simply put I like these people, they are my gym people.
But this new guy, he was small, older, didn’t look like a lifter, but he seemed to be bouncing around all over the place, he even got on my machines when I wasn’t using them, imagine the nerve! Well needless to say this guy put me in a bad mood, I let it ruin my workout, I will never get big now. But if anything good came out of this, it gave me something to write about, so I feel it’s once again time for me to write down the rules, my rules of how to properly behave while at the gym.
If you are a new to the gym scene, or perhaps an old timer that has never played nicely while at the gym…There are rules you need to follow, rules set by bigger, stronger men…And some scary women.
Gym Rule #845 “Your Voice”
If you’re going to talk while at the gym, you must do so in a loud, crisp voice. Almost as if you’re having a verbal altercation with the person you are speaking to, you may put others at ease by occasionally laughing as you and your friend insult other men who are not in the gym at the moment.
Remember it’s not that you mean to be so manly all the time, it’s just a simple fact that you are.
Also keep in mind when other gymrats are shouting back at you, be sure to have you shaker bottle or a water jug in your hand so that you may hydrate yourself and give yourself an opportunity to flex your “Guns…pew…pew…pew” You may also want to up the game and do some “Air Squats” at the same time, this move will give you some valuable gym cred. Just in case you don’t already know, proper “Gym Talk” is much like ballet…You can enforce your dominance by performing pirouettes while vehemently insisting that such moves build flexibility, stamina and cardio endurance, all while you’re talking about which dudes you could kick the shit out of using your special moves.
Gym Rule #295 “Self-Control”
I am one of those that believe the theory of weight lifting is to take it slow, gradually build up weight each week and in doing so you should develop into a bigger, better, healthier version of yourself. The new “You” should then be able to kick the crap out of smaller, more domesticated people. I mean come on, I hope that you wouldn’t put in all this time and effort into becoming a huge muscle commando, just to waste it by being content with your gains and just sit in a meadow somewhere reading poetry and trying to communicate with nature.
Now let me give you some serious advice, there is so much information out there about Bodybuilding and Weightlifting, some good, some bad. But none of it will do you any good if you don’t follow one simple, but very important rule…”Listen to what your body is telling you.” Forget what the magazines tell you, just listen to your body, if you are pushing it too hard and not giving yourself time to recover you are only going to hurt yourself, it will take longer to reach your goals and if your just starting out you may quit early because of just not taking the time to listen.
Gym Rule #623 “Having The “T” Juice”
Guess what…People who are at a gym or “Church” as I call it, make noise. We want to be heard, it shows Dominance, much like a Lion’s “Roar” in the Serengeti. Gymrats will look in the mirror and scream at themselves, and yes it sounds like they are crazy, obsessive freaks of nature. Now an outsider could argue that their “Gains” speak for themselves. But let’s face it, if you are like me, we are all battling inner insecurities and building a shell of hardened, solid muscle, which makes us at times look like ballooned animals, who can’t find clothing that fits, and operating simple machinery a challenge.
I could argue that our culture teaches us that working out is good for our health, but forgets to mention that we need to get bigger than the other guy. It is important to push yourself, besides it’s the best drug on the market, that feeling you get after finishing that last hard set, feeling your muscles, thick and full, like they might burst…It feels…like…Victory !!
Gym Rule #002 “Size, Yes It Matters”
If you spend most of your time in the gym like I seem to do, you get used to seeing big guys, they don’t seem physically intimidating, these are your people. But if you’re not in the best of shape, perhaps you blame genetics, or evolution, whatever you tell yourself to make up for the fact you can’t build muscle, the muscle your body needs to detract from the breast like curves of your chest, your puffy teats and Sasquatch like hair that you use to disguise the fact you couldn’t lift a small child, even using both hands while lying on your back.
Some little people like to blame the big guys for not going to the gym, they feel intimidated, they don’t want to be made fun of, these are bullshit excuses. That’s like blaming the bartender for you driving drunk. Size Matters, the size of the heart in you, the Size of the spirit inside you, the Size of the desire and the will to do something about it. Stop making excuses, it is a slow process, just be man enough to see it through.
Gym Rule #593 “Women In The Gym”
Having women in the Gym is a beautiful thing, there is nothing sexier than a woman that works out. What you need to know about them is this, 99% have no desire to be hit on while they are working out…so don’t! Guys if you sit and stare at them, you will be classified as the “Creepy Guy” So let me share a secret with you, the gym is full of mirrors, it is entirely possible to “watch” that Hot girl without getting yourself classified as the “Creepy Guy” it takes some practice to master it, but it is well worth the effort.
Gym Rule #240 “The Wipe Down”
Don’t do it. Don’t come with a towel. Real men allow their scent to permeate through any leather so as to ward off potential threats.
Gym Rule #813 “The Shower Scene”
If your gym doesn’t have private showers, and it’s just an open bay, be sure to follow the proper shower etiquette. Keep the small talk to a minimum, never turn directly towards the person you are talking to, no guy really wants to have a full frontal conversation with another guy. And if you forgot your towel, don’t ask to use another man’s wet towel, that’s just weird and you will get the “Creepy Guy” classification.
Gym Rule #105 “Protein Farts”
They are deadly, avoid inhaling them at all costs!
Now that you read the rules, get your ass in the Gym and lift some shit !