A friend of mine contacted me yesterday, he is in some financial trouble and wanted to borrow some money, now if it was just a few bucks I would gladly help him it out and just consider it a gift. But the amount of money he was asking for got into the “small home loan” category and would require re-payment.
I’m smart enough to know if my friend is this far in debt and wants to borrow more money he will still be in debt and most likely not be able to re-pay the loan. So common sense tells me not to loan the money and I will listen to common sense this time, but since he is my friend and I want to try and help him out somehow….But how?
And then I had an epiphany, my friend owes money to a bank, for student loans he took out while going to school, but he got behind, then further behind, now it’s time to pay the piper! Student loans can be a killer, you have to get a good education to get a job that pay well, but colleges are insanely expensive and add a bad economy and poor job market, it’s a recipe for a financial disaster. But looking at the loan paperwork I discovered a glaring loophole, one that just might save my friend from his Financial Armageddon, the loophole I found is this…They don’t make dead people pay back the loans! Yes, it’s true, if you’re dead the bank will stop harassing you, they write off the loan as a loss or whatever and move on.
Now this sounds like a great idea on paper, but there is one glaring flaw to it, you need to be dead in order for it to work properly and I asked my friend, he said he doesn’t want to die yet. (I think he still might be a virgin, and he doesn’t want to die a virgin). So after hearing this I was stumped on what to do for a little while, I came up with an idea that involved reincarnation and another one that pretty much followed the plot line of “Time Cop” but my friend ruled both of these out as complete failures. So I took a lunch break and as I was eating my Kale salad and hoping for someone to break in and hit me in the head with a baseball bat, it came to me…My friend can just fake his own death, freaking brilliant!
So I spent several hours fine tuning my plan to help my friend, I got all the kinks worked out and now I believe it is a rock solid plan that anyone can use, so that’s why I’m going to share it with everyone. So if you find yourself faced with huge student loan debt and find yourself unable to re-pay it, then follow my simple plan, and you too can be “dead” and debt free!
Step One…Procure A Dead Body
In order for people and financial institutions to believe that you are really dead, you’re going to need some proof. I once tried starting a rumor I was dead, and hardly anyone in my family, much less any banks bought it. So Yes, you need a body to pull this off correctly, now you can do it the old fashioned way and go dig one up at the cemetery, or rob a funeral home, but honestly that’s the cheapskate way of handling this issue.
The best way to get a body is to just go find someone you really don’t like and kill them, you want to dislike someone roughly your same size and preferably the same gender, but these are both optional. By the time you are done dressing the body up, it will leave little doubt in everyone’s mind that it’s you.
Step Two…Dress The Dead Body
Keep in mind, just because you suddenly vanish and people find a dead body does not instantly mean the authorities will assume you are dead. It’s important you make sure they think the body is you. So to do this , dress the dead body up in your clothing. Be sure that you use your favorite articles of clothing, your “trademark” look, so to speak. Also it would help if the dead body was wearing a name tag with your name on it. If you don’t have a name tag, just write your name all over the shirt that you dress the body in, that way people will know it’s you.
Step Three…Put All Your Belonging’s In Storage
So when you are “fake” dead, you will still be able to use all your crap that you have collected over the years. So to keep this stuff without anyone noticing that it’s suddenly gone after you turn up “dead” you will need to stage a robbery of your home. This is extra great if you’re still living with your parents, that way you can steal their crap as well. Now just put all this stuff in storage somewhere, and you can come back and get it after everyone thinks you are dead.
Step Four….Dramatic Death Scene
Now pay attention, this is the key to the whole damn plan. I would suggest you do a horrendous fiery death scene, since there is a good chance that the dead body you procured doesn’t look anything like you. So a fiery death will help with that small issue.
One way I thought of, well I didn’t think of it, I saw it in a movie once, but put the dead body in your car push it off a cliff, hopefully the fiery wreckage will consume the dead body and everyone will think it’s you that was in that barbecue.
BUT….there is one minor problem with this whole scenario…dental records. To get around this issue, I would simply suggest that you yank out all the teeth on the dead body before you push it off the cliff. Then, to explain the lack of teeth, try spray painting satanic symbols all over the car.
When the police discover that the body has missing teeth, the lead detective will just shake his head and mutter “Those crazy Satanists, always stealing their victim’s teeth”
Step Five…Get Cosmetic Surgery
Let’s face it, you probably look like crap anyways, you know you could use it. Oh, and the fact people will recognize you if you don’t change your looks….Duh!
Step Six…Play The Part
Alright just because you got out of paying your debts, doesn’t mean you can go and tell all your buddies and family that you are actually alive. If you happen to tell the wrong person they will turn you in and then you will end up having to re-pay that debt anyways, oh and go to jail forever. So be smart, everyone thinks your “dead” so play the part and don’t be showing up at a family get together.
So there you have it folks, the perfect plan in which to avoid paying off your debts, you have a whole new life ahead of you now, this time avoid getting yourself in debt.
*Just in case you couldn’t tell this is satire, so don’t go out and kill anyone, unless they are terrorists.