My Friend Connie Let Me Hold Her New Baby…That Was A Bad Idea!

myfriendconnieletmeholdhernew

 

Holy Cow, everyone just calm down, take a few steps back and give me some room.  Connie that noise you are making is really hurting my ears, could you please turn it down a few notches?  Look, baby Ezra is just fine, I’m almost sure of it.

There we go, good as new.  Here you go Connie, little Ezra is happy as can be.  I really think he shit himself though, you might want to change that diaper.  Oh, do you hear that?  I knew Ezra would start making sounds again, he probably just had the wind knocked out of him, it happens all the time.

Listen Connie,  I am so sorry about this,  I know you think I’m a complete idiot.  Actually this whole week has been one crazy event after another. I really thought coming over and seeing your new baby would change my luck for me. I guess, I should have asked ahead of time if it was alright to bring Ms. Kitty with me, I never thought bringing my cat would cause so many problems, I had no idea you or little Ezra were allergic.

I also can’t believe I mixed up the rules regarding cats and babies, I know it didn’t help that I had a few shots of whiskey before I came over either, I just needed something to take the edge off, but now I don’t even know my right or left anymore, I probably shouldn’t have taken so many pain pills before I came here either, but my back was really acting up this afternoon.

But I don’t think you need to worry too much, I had my eye on him the whole time and he mostly landed on his back. I was holding him in a horizontal position but his head was slightly elevated, that’s how I usually do it with Ms. Kitty.  I think that’s where I got confused, one moment I’m holding little Ezra, then the next I think its Ms. Kitty. No! That’s not true Connie, if I was holding Ezra by his feet with his head down then his injuries would have been far worse, let’s not start blowing this out of proportion Connie. But just remember he landed on his back, not his head, okay?

You watch the WWE don’t you Connie?  Those wrestlers land on their back all the time and they are just fine.  Basically landing on your back does nothing at all, your back was made just for that purpose.  Plus, let’s not forget Ezra landed on the tile floor, not straight concrete.  Tile flooring has a shock absorbing property, so it’s kind of like he landed on a foam pad.  That’s is why I was doing my demonstration in the kitchen and not out on the patio, I’m not a total idiot.

I understand why you are upset Connie, believe me I’m upset too. I can’t believe this is happening to me, all I wanted to do was come over and see your new baby, maybe have a few drinks and eat some food, but now I really wish I would have just taken Ms. Kitty home after we left the bar instead of coming over. I think if you …..Why are you yelling? She did what? I can’t believe that? I’m so sorry Connie, I honestly have never seen her act this way before. I don’t know why she did it…please stop yelling at me Connie!  Look, calm down, are you positive Ms. Kitty was trying to suffocate Ezra? Ms. Kitty only weighs about twenty pounds, I’m pretty sure Ezra would have pushed her off him if you hadn’t grabbed her.

What? Ezra was turning blue?  Really?  Well, maybe Ezra just does that when he sleeps, look you haven’t had him but three days right?  So you don’t really know that much about him yet.

Connie, please just put the phone away, there is no need to call an ambulance. First of all, do you realize how much they charge you every time they come out? It’s ridiculous. Secondly, I took some lifesaving courses back in high school when I was trying out to be a life guard, I almost made got my certificate but turns out you have to be able to swim to be a lifeguard.

Anyways, I know what we need to do, we just need to wake Ezra up every two hours and ask him a few simple questions, we can ask him his name and who the current president is.

What? Oh yeah, I guess you’re right, he can’t talk yet can he? I haven’t had a baby before so I just thought they started speaking right away, which would explain why he wasn’t answering my questions earlier. I wanted to know what it was like coming out of your vagina, but he didn’t say anything. What? Now that’s not creepy, it’s a valid question, it’s like asking someone how their trip went.

Come on Connie, let’s not ruin our friendship over this, it was just a series of unfortunate circumstances, it’s not like I did it on purpose. Huh, well, okay maybe Ms. Kitty tried to suffocate him on purpose but you can’t hold me responsible for that can you?  Wow. Connie, that was really rude, and I would appreciate it if you don’t refer to Ms. Kitty by that name again, she can hear you and cats have feeling too! Oh well would you look at that, Ms. Kitty is trying to say she is sorry, she brought you a bird from outside, that’s what cat’s do when they are trying to say they are sorry for something.

What? Jesus Connie, stop screaming, I can’t understand you. Oh, that’s Petie, your pet cockatiel? Really, you have had that bird for ten years? I’m really sorry Connie. Ms. Kitty was just doing what cat’s do, they are always on the prowl, like lions on the Serengeti. Look I will clean up the blood, okay. Oh, hey Connie I can’t find Petie’s head so if you see it let me know.

Connie, I really wish you would say something, it’s kind of freaking me watching you rock back on forth in that chair. It’s really getting uncomfortable in here Connie. Okay, should I just go then? Well I will just take your silence as a Yes, I will just go grab Ms. Kitty and we will go….MS. KITTY!! Get off him, what the hell is the matter with you? It’s okay Connie, everything is fine in here….Oh, hey Connie, you know I might have been wrong about how much those ambulances charge, actually I think they are pretty reasonable these days….Maybe you should go ahead and call one… Connie?

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