The Highly Medicated Horoscope




Today is your special day, you finally open an online dating account to change your fortunes after a three-year dry spell in singledom that you have had to endure because of your nervous disorder and uncontrollable restless leg syndrome which also affects your arms.

As skip through the profiles of cute girls and well-built men, you instead enter  “seasonal affect disorder”  into the search function.  The good news is you are not alone! The bad news is you’re still alone. You’re best match today is “xxxspreadthemwidexxx”  Are you feeling lucky? Send her a smiley face to break the ice.



Today you will feel the creative juices flowing through you, in a flash of motivation, you figure out you need a hobby, like roller-blading or weightlifting.  By the end of the day, your hobby is reading the famous last words of 17th century artists and then you begin drafting your own final words.  Today your lucky 17th century artist cursed his pet pig for five minutes before he died.



Today you’re concerned that the increased dose you decided to put yourself on two weeks ago has erased your memory and your sex drive. You thought you had at least another 5 years of both those things. Now you are unable to please your spouse or remember their name. You’re lucky color for today is Blue, it matches your mood.



Today you will miss the exit on your way to work and end up driving forty miles until the next town, you’re not sure why you did this but you also don’t give a shit. You did see a dead deer on the side of the road that had a birthday balloon tied to it.

Watch out for all feelings of existential uncertainty associated with this roadside metaphor that literally keeps popping up in your head, was this a sign for you? Today your favorite place in the woods to go and reflect on your life was burned down in the forest fires.



Today you is a big day at work, but not for you, that promotion you thought was going to be yours was given to your coworker, the one you hate more than anything. Go ahead and Congratulate her, knowing full well that your words will mean nothing to her, as she thanks you and winks an eye, which means she knows you are dead inside now.

Your lucky number today is zero.



Today is a breakthrough day for you, the ongoing mystery of whether your Disney character shaped rashes were brought on by your recent dosage increase or the fact you went with a cheaper laundry detergent is finally solved, and it’s both.

August is the month that brings you closer to death.



Be careful today, looks like you will offend all your close friends and coworkers. But don’t let it bother you too much, it won’t be for a stupid reason, like you didn’t notice their new hairdos, it will be because you refuse to leave your apartment and when you finally do you’re so damn drunk you can’t speak.

Your future love match is Abilify under Sagittarius.



Today your high point will be finding out someone has left a half-full glass of red wine at the table next to you at Chili’s, your low point will be when you drink it. You try to tell yourself its  “Waste Not Want Not”  instead of alcoholism.

Today your lucky carbon footprint doesn’t exist, and perhaps neither do you.



Today is your day of financial challenges, you finally roll out of bed at 2pm. Be on the lookout for new job opportunities, and watch them pass you by because you’re too emotionally paralyzed to even speak.

Your power color is Dark Grey.



Today you spend most of your time on the edge of the self-help section at the library, waiting for the well dressed, and seemingly perfect couple at the table next to you to leave.

They never do, so by the end of the day you have memorized Tiger Mom’s parenting book, even though you don’t have any kids. Your lucky time-waster today is your ability to judge yourself before others even think to do so.



Today you are feeling a rush of warmth and positive energy that will help you finally finish that special project you have been putting off. This is because you accidentally took two doses and are in the grips of a serotonin episode. Seek medical help now!

Today you’re lucky psychiatrist will put his hand on your elbow while showing you photos from his recent trip to Spain.

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