Hello friends, does your life suck? Do you feel like you go from one day to the next just praying you get hit by a bus? Are you afraid to leave the house? Do you hear voices inside your head? Do your feet seem heavy and swollen?
Some people might think you have mental health issues and diabetes, but not me, I have been where you are, well not really, but I did have a crappy day last week.
Well it’s time to change your life for the better and I have the perfect solution for you… Me! That’s right, I am the solution to your crappy life, you might be asking yourself how can this guy be the answer to all my problems, well friend I will tell you how, it’s my new chewing gum.
That’s right, I created the most fantastic and life altering chewing gum on the market today. How can a piece of chewing gum change your life? Well I created a special formula in my kitchen that makes you want to live your life to its fullest, it will free you from your fears, it will help you take control of those voices in your head and best of all you will lose any sense of inhibition you may have had, your life will no longer be about Good and Evil, it will just be about Fun!
So what do I call this miracle gum? I call it Sprinkle Chews, the name comes from the greatest source of pleasure known to man…Sprinkles. Remember the saying “Sprinkles are for Winners” well that’s true, only Winners truly deserve Sprinkles, but even if you’re not a Winner, you can still have Sprinkle Chews, why? Well it’s simple, I’m trying to make money, that’s what we do in America, we sell shit to people who don’t deserve it in order to get rich…’Merica baby!
Alright back to Sprinkle Chews, after just a few seconds of chewing this miracle gum you will start to notice changes in your life. Your life has suddenly gotten pretty interesting. You will be starting fist fights in the streets just for the fun of it. You will immediately feel like a Parkour master and start jumping off of things, and NO, you don’t have to worry about getting hurt because with Sprinkle Chews you will not feel any pain, I have formulated it to block the pain sensors in your body, so feel free to get as crazy as you want. Don’t be surprised if you end up punching your boss in the face, with Sprinkle Chews you don’t have to put up with anyone’s bullshit.
You might be asking what is in Sprinkle Chews to make a person feel this way. Well, I can’t tell you everything that’s in it because of proprietary concerns, but I can say this, every piece of Sprinkle Chews has been specially formulated with just the right amount “Awesome” Or, as it’s known in the medical community “Scandinavian Growth Hormone” and “Counterfeit Dianabol.”
I have come up with some amazing new flavors for Sprinkle Chews, you will love OMG Red Raspberry, Jihadi Tangerine and Bi-Polar Grape. These crazy flavors will make you insane with delight. Trust me friends, get ready to break out of your old routine and break into houses, that’s right, with Sprinkle Chews you do what you want, you see a house you like, well that house is yours, with Sprinkle Chews you don’t ask, you take!
After your first Sprinkle Chew, anything goes baby! Time to throw caution to the wind. Better have an over-night bag packed because who knows where you will end up. Perhaps you will hop on a flight to Amsterdam, before you know it you’re paying seventy euros to a Eurasian hooker named Kimber. Do you like parties? Maybe you will throw a party at your parents’ home, you will invite hundreds of your Facebook friends over and once everyone is inside you will lock the doors and turn the power off and leave, screw it, let your parents deal with it. You are a Rebel, this is how you roll now.
You’re probably asking again, how the hell does this gum make me do all these crazy things? What’s in it? Are there illegal drugs in it? Well, like I said I can’t tell you because of proprietary reasons and to be honest I really don’t know for sure, I should have written more of the ingredient’s down.
Look, does it really matter what’s in Sprinkle Chews? NO, it doesn’t. Because if something so small, and so simple can change your life for the better then why bitch about what’s in it, just chew the shit and be happy. I’m excited, you should be excited too! Once you try your first piece of Sprinkle Chews you will understand what I’m talking about, your heart rate will increase, you might start to feel all tingly inside, men will get an erection, so will women, I think, I’m not really sure what women get down there but they get horny, that I know for sure.
So are you sold yet? Ask yourself this, do you want to keep living the crappy life you are currently living or do you want to want to peel away that outer shell of worthlessness and start a new life, a life of taking risks, a life where you make the rules? I think you deserve it, you deserve to get the most out of this life before you end up dead on the floor of some shitty Tijuana motel room, covered in cockroaches and shame.
Look my friends, just try one piece of Sprinkle Chews, that’s all I’m asking, just one piece and if you don’t like it, fine, you can go back to that crappy life you have been living. But I have a feeling you will be hooked once you try it, I’m counting on it actually.
So what do you say? Let’s do this! Be spontaneous…It’s what Sprinkle Chews wants you to be!
And Sprinkle Chews will always get what it wants.
Sprinkle Chews is now available behind the Quickie Mart on Main St. from Noon to Five, Look for the red chevy.