Since it’s almost the end of April and I’m guessing everyone who made a New Year’s Resolutions to eat healthy, exercise and just be a better person overall probably quit by now or are just about ready to call it quits! Which means it’s about time for those quitters to start telling me all their lame excuses as to why they couldn’t follow through with their goals….Quitters!!
I’ve heard some pretty flimsy excuses past and I’m sure I will hear some pretty flimsy one’s in the near future as well. All these shitty excuses have lead me to the conclusion that perhaps some people are just “Rookies” when it comes to laying down a good excuse, if you’re going to use an excuse to justify your laziness with me at least make it a good one, I’m not going to show any sympathy for a poorly executed excuse.
So out of the kindness of my heart, I want to help assist some of you “Rookies” with your excuses, perhaps if you follow my advice you can craft a more believable excuse next to you commit to something then Quit!
Now the key to a good excuse is to make the person you’re telling it to feel some type of sympathy for you, if you can make them sympathetic then they are less likely to mock you and call you a Quitter…You Quitter!!
So here are some excuses you can use for nearly every type of commitment that you may fail to follow through with…I have placed them in the order of Most Sympathetic to Least Sympathetic.
Most Sympathetic: I just learned I have Gonorrhea.
Less Sympathetic: I just learned about Gonorrhea.
Least Sympathetic: I just learned to spell Gonorrhea.
I lost my spouse.
I lost my rhythm.
I lost at Chutes and Ladders.
There was a death in the family.
There was a death in my neighbor’s family.
There was a death in Game of Thrones.
I know I said I was going to hike Mt. Helena, but…
It’s just too damn tall.
It’s just too dirty.
It’s just too hard to find on a map.
I know this was going to be the year I finally learned how to use email, but..
My computer got a virus.
My computer got Bejeweled.
My computer got Herpes.
I have a Tape Worm.
I have a fear of opening a can of worms.
I wanted to go fishing but couldn’t find any worms.
My wife left me.
My wife left me a to-do list.
My wife is a prostitute.
I was going to fix my car today, but…
I ran out of money.
I ran out of ambition.
I ran out of mustard for my sammich.
I did not have the time.
I can’t tell time.
Wanna sing that song “Time after Time” with me?
I know I said this was the year I would read 50 Shades of Grey, but…
I already know how to use duct tape.
I already saw the movie.
It’s hard to read with this Gag Ball in my mouth.
Friends…May your desire to better yourself be stronger than your desire to find an excuse.