So today is Flippidy Dippity Monday!! I have been writing a lot of stuff about how you can better yourself, ways to a healthy lifestyle and all I think people hear is Blah, Blah, Blah and Blah…Nobody listens, Nobody Cares. People just complain that my posts are too long and they lose interest.
What the Hell does everyone have ADD?!
I ran into an older lady, one who had braces (this makes no difference to the story but just wanted to point it out for my own amusement ) at America’s store “Walmart” and she told me that I really don’t mean all this stuff I say on here, that I don’t care about motivating people or about them succeeding.
That made me think, am I the guy who a few short years ago didn’t care about trying to help people or am I truly the guy I am today, motivated and willing to help others the best I can to improve their lives? Well I am the latter, I truly want to help people, even if it’s just by writing a semi-motivational blog, so with that in mind I will try a new approach today, instead of giving you advice on how to live a healthy lifestyle, I am going to give you the best suggestions ever at how to be “Unhealthy” think of this as the worst instructional fitness/lifestyle blog ever.
Here is my list for the top five ways to be “Unhealthy.”
Just Give Up
So when things don’t go your way, rather than analyzing, adjusting and simply trying again… Just Give Up!
When you step on that scale this week and it’s half a pound or so heavier than last week, instead of making changes to your diet and cutting out one extra soda this week. Go Ahead and Flip the **** Out and Give Up! Just think about it, Giving Up is so much easier than working hard, struggling and persevering.
Get over it and move on? Pshh, Homie Don’t Play That!.. Give Up! Guys and Gals that keep going to the gym are totally awful at failing, they just keep going for months and months…You can’t have that!
Complain As Much As Possible
Try saying this “I don’t have good genes” or this gem “I don’t have time” If those don’t work, there’s always “I just can’t lose weight” or my favorite “I’m just not as lucky as you” Remember… Complain to anybody that will listen to you and even those people that don’t. The more disdain and self-loathing you can produce the better.
Change Workout Plans As Often As Possible
Don’t stick with a good plan for 6-12 weeks (or even longer if it’s working). Be sure to freak out about two weeks into any plan when you don’t see drastic changes and then pick another plan that promises even better results.
The faster the freak out, the more quickly you can move on to the next routine.
Blindly Follow Conventional Wisdom
Don’t eat fat, Avoid foods with cholesterol. Eat as many healthy whole grains as possible, all damn day if you want.
Ignore advice to consume all natural foods from “Fad” diets like the “Paleo Diet.” Instead buy “healthy” microwaveable dinners that taste like dirty feet. Those truly are the best.
Make Yourself Miserable
Everyone knows that exercise only counts if you are suffering and hating life, so only do exercises that make you want to dropkick a puppy. Pick the least enjoyable form of exercise you can think of (For me, that would be running) and then force yourself to do it for hours on end… Everyday!
Then combine this with some sort of diet where you starve yourself, so that you have no energy and hate your life. Even better, combine this with a “Super” unhealthy diet (telling yourself. I earned this! ) and then wonder why you’re not losing weight.
* Bonus Advice*
Compare Yourself To Others
Pick out some people who are different sizes, shapes, builds and genetics. It doesn’t matter that their body functions completely different than yours, or that they eat differently and exercise differently than you.
Find those people and say “you won the genetic lottery” and “I can’t lose weight so it’s not my fault” Then make yourself feel better by finding people that are “Really” overweight, unhealthy, and unhappy. Pat yourself on the back and say “Meh…good enough” Non-Applicable Comparisons FTW !!
Okay, better throw in something that’s actually helpful and might actually help you get “Healthy”
Ready For It?
Start simple, set tiny goals, build tiny habits, eat less crap and move more. Find some activity that makes you happy and do it as often as possible. Then find ways to eat a little healthier. Cut out liquid calories. Add in strength training. Sleep more. Repeat these small daily changes and improvements until these things become habit. Repeat until your desired results are achieved, generally for months or years. Then push yourself to be even better.
I just made every past, present and future fitness post you will ever read obsolete. But I will keep writing them anyways because I need something to do.
Have a Kick Ass Day!!