Time Is Running Out Ladies…I Only Have A Few Good Years Left!

funny bald man in garden

It recently has dawned on me that I’m not getting any younger, so just as a public service announcement of sorts I thought I should put this out there.

Ladies, can I have your attention please. I would like to present something pretty interesting to you and that would be …ME.  I recently went to Ross and found a pretty cool button up shirt that I can actually fit into without the buttons flying off when I exhale and today I even showered and shaved my head so it’s nice and smooth, who doesn’t like a shiny top?  I got plenty of sleep last night and right now looking at my reflection in the mirror I seem to be at my prime. What I’m trying to say is I look pretty darn sharp and I feel great. But I should probably point out that it will most likely be all downhill from here on out.

So before anyone rejects me just out of hand, I would like you to stop and think about something for a minute. I know there is better out there. In the handsome man Olympics I know I’m not a Gold Medal guy, probably more of a Bronze or Copper Medalist.  But I’m not fat, well not morbidly obese kind of fat even though I weigh about 300 pounds, I think it’s more of an evenly displaced type of fat.

But I do have a Tan, it’s a tanning booth kind of tan, which should show I throw caution to the wind and I’m willing to get skin cancer in order not to look too pasty, not sure if that’s a positive or negative, tell you what just pretend I didn’t say anything about the Tan. So this is about as close of a total package as you’re going to get with me. So if you’re hungry the dinner bell is ringing and it isn’t going to get any hotter, so come and get it.

Maybe if you’re into the whole  “Physical”  appearance thing then I should bring up that I go to the Gym and I go pretty regularly,  so hopefully it will start to pay off soon. I’m also a pretty good cook, well actually I’m a pretty good Blenderer…I usually make protein shakes, so if you dig guys who know their way around a shaker bottle then look no further.

And listen if you want me to meet your folks or friends, it had better be soon, in fact, I think this weekend would probably be best cause I’m in a pretty good mood right now and I feel my personal resolve can only last so long before I let the years of bitterness and regret erode away this current mood of happiness I’m currently in.  I feel I have some optimism left about getting involved in a new relationship, even  though in 8-10 years the intimacy will probably slow to a trickle and I will become riddled with doubts about whether I jumped into this way too soon. But I am sure our vacation photos will look great and we can always look back on them with fond memories.

I understand if stability might be a concern of yours, don’t let it be, I am toying with the idea of breeding exotic house cats, there is a huge market for them in certain areas, mainly retirement areas but a sale is a sale, so I am almost positive that this will turn into a high five figure income.  Also I am thinking about starting a band, chicks dig rockers so I am going to put an ad on Craigslist for other like-minded musically inclined individuals who are interested in forming a band.  I can’t play any instruments so I of course would have to be lead vocals, but I have a fairly deep and velvety voice so I think I can pull it off. Once this Cat breeding and Band idea start to take off I can’t say I will stick around. So, seriously ladies, you’d better strike while the iron’s still hot.

If you’re the type of lady who needs to check out a guy’s house to get some insight into his personality, then you should come over right away. I have spent most of the morning throwing out a bunch of old Field and Stream magazines and straightening up the place. I am one that usually learns from past mistakes, so I took all my collectible GI Joe action figures and put them in a box for safe keeping.

It’s always kind of awkward when someone comes over and if they have kids with them and those kids start playing with my stuff I usually start coming unglued. You can’t claim you have a mint condition action figure if some little brat had it in his mouth.

While my expiration date is still a few years down the road…Hopefully. I’m thinking my optimal shelf life is going to expire soon.  Actually, even since I started writing this desperate cry for female attention, I feel my personal appearance has already gotten worse. So ladies the longer you wait, the further advanced my decline will be.

The clock is ticking….Tick Tock

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