This is for those of you who spent another Valentine’s Day alone or just had a really crappy one for any number of reasons. It is a list of things that could have happened to make your day worse than the day you might have had….Unless of course you had one of these things happen to you while you were busy being alone or miserable on Valentine’s Day then I guess it’s fair to say you really did have it pretty bad….Better luck next year!
You could have been trapped in a small room for the whole day that only had fluorescent lighting and a crying baby.
You could have contracted Bacterial Meningitis.
You could have bought a winning lottery ticket then lost it.
You could have been told your spouse has been cheating on you with your mother.
You could have been stung by a bee on your anus.
You could have found out that the child you have been paying child support for the last 17 years is your half-brother.
You could have sent Hillary Clinton a private email, thinking it would be private, but come to find out that the Russians, Chinese, ISIS, North Koreans and FBI are all reading it right now.
You could have had your teenage daughter come tell you she’s pregnant and she is pretty sure who the daddy is.
You could have denounced your citizenship and went off to join ISIS just to be turned down because you are not “ISIS material.”
You could have made a really funny joke but then have that one guy who doesn’t get it and have to explain it to them multiple times.
You could have been called Fat by someone clearly Fatter than you and not have a good come back.
You could have been abducted by aliens and end in an inter-planetary zoo.
You could have been involved in a knife fight, but you forgot to bring your knife.
You could have had unprotected sex with Charlie Sheen…Tiger Blood Baby!!
You could have just sat down in the movie theater to see the movie you have been waiting months for only to have a popcorn kernel break your tooth in half, as you cry out in pain, the people around you ask you to be quite because they don’t give a shit about you or your broken tooth.
Your Dad sends you a pic of his blind date, he is super excited, it’s his first date in years, you face the difficult decision whether or not to tell him his date is actually Caitlyn Jenner.
You could suddenly develop a gluten allergy only to have everyone make fun of you.
Your parents walk in on you as your masturbating to a picture of Oprah, while you have a belt wrapped around your neck because you’re also into autoerotic asphyxiation.
Your friends could have hooked you up on a blind date, only to find out your friends think you are gay.