My Nightly Inner-Dialogue Every Time I Hear A Noise Outside My Window…Or As My Therapist Calls It “My Nightly Encounter With Internal Chaos”




What was that? I heard something just outside my window. I think someone is outside my window!  Jesus, its 2 am! Who the hell would be out there at this hour?

Oh shit….

I think someone is breaking in…Is this what it feels like just before you die in your bed?

I really should put some clothes on, I need to stop sleeping in the nude! Why isn’t my cat hearing any of this? She is just lying there sound asleep. I hope they kill her first!

Wait? I just heard a voice…Was it a voice? Dammit Ms. Kitty wake up, I need your help!

I better grab a gun, glad I started sleeping with them in my bed, I don’t care what my therapist thinks this is a damn good idea.

I think they are trying to open my front door…Is that a chainsaw? What the hell? Oh, just that stupid neighbor kid with his dumb ass mufflers…I hate that kid, why is he out driving at 2 am? I am going to talk to his parents later today don’t they know…

What the hell? Did they just break my living room windows?

I swear to god I am going to start shooting through the walls!

Why is Ms. Kitty still asleep? Doesn’t she hear the biker gang breaking in?

I really should put something on…At least some shorts, how embarrassing would it be to be found naked, everyone will think I was sexually assaulted or something.

What if it’s a female murderer? That would be kind of cool though…

Shit! They are outside my bedroom window again. Why can’t they just make up their mind and get it over with already? The waiting to die is the worst part! Why must the world be so cruel?

I swear I’m getting a dog…cats are worthless!

I should get up and go look out my window. What if one of them is just sitting there waiting for me to look out the window? What if he has a hockey mask on like Jason from the Friday the 13th movie? What should I do? Should I just wave? Dammit, don’t be an idiot! Why would I wave? They are here to murder me and take all my shit! Maybe I should just use my shotgun and shoot out the window instead! Take the initiative, catch them off guard!

But what if I’m wrong and nobody is out there? I know my neighbor will call the cops on me, that son of a bitch is just looking for an excuse to get me locked up!

Please Ms. Kitty wake up!! Why are you sleeping through this?

Okay, this is ridiculous!  I’m going to go look out the window! Nobody is probably there…

Alright…Ready…on three…1…2..



There, that wasn’t so bad, nothing out here at all. Except those two human like shadows over there by my bushes! They seem awfully close to each other. Or maybe it’s just one really huge guy, but I doubt it. Otherwise his body wouldn’t be moving in a strange back and forth motion just like the bushes.

Wait? Did I just hear laughter? Are they laughing at me? Probably because I’m naked, that’s it from now on I sleep in full workout clothes. Maybe they are laughing because I skipped the gym yesterday, they can see I lost my pump! How humiliating! That’s it I’m never missing the gym ever again! I feel like they can see into my soul, they know my weakness.

I should do something. Should I shoot at the bushes? I don’t have to hit them, I can just scare them, and maybe they will stop laughing. I will go outside and scare them… I can do this!

Alright…Here I go!

Hold it.

I will go out the back door and catch them by surprise!



“Get the hell off my property you mother f’ers”

Oh man, I can feel the adrenaline pumping through my veins….My heart is beating so fast…God this is Awesome!!

I feel like a freaking bad ass!!

Wait…what is that? A plastic bag? Why would there be a plastic bag in the bushes?

Oh shit …my neighbor is coming out.

Well that was dumb, I feel like an idiot now.

Great my neighbor called the cops….

Ms. Kitty why are you still sleeping?

I really should have put some clothes on before I went outside!

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