Lately I have been seeing several of the “New Year’s” body cleanses and detox programs on social media. People are trying to remove the excesses of the holiday’s and perhaps for some the entire year of 2015. I have seen my friends try some of these programs but after they finish up they do not feel any better, in fact a few of them feel worse.
So I did some research and came up with my own full body cleanse and detox program. I call it “The America Hell Yeah Body Cleanse and Detox Program” made in America for Americans and anyone else who would pay me, after all we have a free market economy… That is until Bernie Sanders gets elected, but let’s not focus on that right now.
I want to give you my personal guarantee that “The America Hell Yeah Body Cleanse and Detox Program” will work for you, I promise you will feel different…real different.
6 am: (wake-up): Drink 8 oz. of Castor Oil, then go outside and unleash a war cry…Arrroooo!!!
7 am: Use Bathroom…Expel the evil inside you.
8 am: Drink 16 oz. Pure American Water, recite Pledge of Allegiance.
9 am: (Breakfast) 24 oz. of Bacon, 16 oz. American Water, 8 oz. Castor Oil.
10 am: Use Bathroom…Expel the evil inside you.
11 am: 16 oz. American Water
1:30 pm: (Lunch) Kale (just kidding) 8 oz. Steak, 2 Baked Potatoes, 16 oz. American Water.
2 pm: 8 oz. Castor Oil.
4 pm: (Snackie) Handful of Almonds…Dear God run to the bathroom!
5 pm: Still in the Bathroom…Lots of Evil today.
6:30 pm: (Dinner) More Steak (Cause ‘Merica!!) 2 Baked Potatoes, Back to the Bathroom!
6 am: (Wake-Up) 8 oz. Castor Oil, then go outside and unleash a war cry…Arrroooo!!!
7 am: Bathroom…Evil is winning today!
8 am: Bathroom…Still (May as well recite the Pledge of Allegiance while your in there)
10 am: (Breakfast) Bacon…Lots of Bacon, 16 oz. American Water, Back to the Bathroom.
11 am: 8 oz. Castor Oil…It’s okay to start crying!
2 pm: (Lunch) Steak…As much as you can eat, 2 Baked Potatoes, 16 oz. American Water.
3 pm: 8 oz. Castor Oil…Your body may automatically start bowl movement by just seeing the glass.
4 pm: Bathroom…Expel The Evil.
5 pm: Still In The Bathroom…You will probably be seeing things by now.
6 pm: (Dinner) 16 oz. American Water
6 am: (Wake-Up) By day three you should just be able to “think” about Castor Oil and have a bowl movement …If not 8 oz. Castor Oil.
7 am: Bathroom: Unleash War Cry from the bathroom…Arrooo!!!
8 am: Still in the bathroom…Recite Pledge of Allegiance.
10 am: Still Bathroom Time.
11 am: Bathroom…By now you might be crying uncontrollably, delusional and having out of body experiences.
1:30: (Lunch) No lunch, Just Bathroom.
4 pm: Bathroom….It’s okay to cry.
6pm: (Dinner) Forget dinner…Lay on bathroom floor.
6 am: (Wake-Up) on bathroom floor…Can’t remember your name.
7 am: Nothing left to expel…Just sitting on toilet…Babbling incoherently.
8 am: Still Nothing Happening?
10 am: (Breakfast) can’t eat…Becoming clinically psychotic.
1:30 pm: (Lunch) still nothing happening…Check WebMD…Discover you are probably either dying or just gassy.
4 pm: Sad…You miss expelling the evil.
6 pm: (Dinner) Small bowl movement, tears of joy.
6 am: (Wake-Up) you are suddenly happy, stomach shrunken to the size of an Almond, You run outside and unleash a war cry…Arrroooo!!! Proud to be an American!
7 am: 1 oz. American Water…Feel full, you see a Unicorn for the first time, today is a good day.
8 am: Just staring out the window watching the Unicorns and Garden Gnomes frolicking in your yard.
10 am: (Breakfast) one small salmon egg, 1 oz. American Water…You feel tingly all over, your skin is translucent.
11 am: Bathroom…Out comes two small salmon eggs…weird.
1:30 pm: (Lunch) 4 oz. Chicken Broth, 1 oz. American Water…You try to recite Pledge of Allegiance but can’t make it all the way through…You notice your teeth are missing.
4 pm: (Snackie) One Almond…Stomach full.
5 pm: Now the Unicorns are talking to you, they ask you to join them at the park, as you do you forget you are naked and have been the last two days.
6 pm: (Dinner) The county jail has Canadian water…You and the Unicorns stage a water strike…You are an American and deserve better.
You Want To Feel Better About Yourself…Just Exercise!!
God Bless America!!