Here are a few simple jokes for today….
The Crushed Scrotum
During the service, the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for prayers, which had been answered.
A lady stood up and came forward.
She said, “I have a reason to thank the Lord.”
“Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed.”
“The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him.”
You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.
She continued, “Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain.”
“We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation.”
“They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim’s scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.”
Again, the men in the Congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim.
She continued, “Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctors say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely.”
All the men sighed with relief.
The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to say.
A man rose and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, “I’m Jim and I would like to tell my beautiful blonde wife, the word is ‘sternum.”
The Nude Beach
Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water. The son comes running up to his mom and says… “Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!” The mom says…“the bigger they are, the dumber they are.” So he goes back to play.
Several minutes later he comes running back and says…“Mommy, I saw men with wee wee’s a lot bigger than daddy’s!” The mom says…“the bigger they are, the dumber they are.” So he goes back to play.
Several minutes later he comes running back and says…“Mommy, I just saw daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!”
A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked around the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said “I wish you could talk.”
The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down.
“You can understand what I’m saying?” asked the officer. Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.
“Well, did you see this?”
“Yes,” motioned the monkey.
The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.
“They were drinking?” asked the officer.
The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.
“They were smoking marijuana?”
The monkey motioned “Screwing.”
“They were screwing, too?” asked the astounded officer.
“Now wait, you’re saying your owners were drinking, smoking and screwing before they wrecked.”
“What were you doing during all this?”
“Driving” motioned the monkey.