Welcome To My Writers Retreat

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For those of you who may be attending my writers retreat for the first time, which would be everyone since this is my first time hosting a writers retreat, I want to thank you for choosing to stay at my retreat over the many other more reputable one’s you could have chosen to attend. You will notice my retreat is conveniently located in the heart of Helena, Montana. Many call this place a writer’s paradise others call it a frozen wasteland void of culture and inspiration, but I am not one of those people. Not yet anyways.

My writers retreat is strategically located one mile from a host of coffee shops and a Hasting’s book store, plan to do most of your writing at one of these locations as I do not care for people milling around my home/retreat during the day. Besides I have read stories of writers finding great inspiration in coffee shops along with free wifi as I do not have internet at my home…I mean retreat.

Let me just point out a few things about the retreat, mainly areas of concern. You are not allowed into the Master Bedroom and the upstairs Guest Bedroom are strictly off limits. The Master Bedroom for obvious reasons and I use the upstairs Guest Bedroom as craft room and I don’t want anyone messing up my creative juices.

The upstairs bathrooms are also off limits. I would suggest using the restroom at the coffee shop or at Hasting’s. I have heard great things about the Hasting’s restroom from a local homeless guy I met in the park.

You are more than welcome to make room for your food items in the refrigerator, as I will not be providing food or beverages during your stay here. I also do not provide supplies, transportation or creative help. And again remember I do not have Wifi. Spouses, children and animals are not welcomed. This includes service animals. I provide lodging only, but if by some miracle I bring a female friend home for the night you will be required to find alternate lodging for the night.

My writing retreat is only five minutes away from a terrific public library, they have a great selection of magazines and late nineteenth century romantic novels. They also have a fairly decent DVD collection, they almost have the entire collection of Friends and Cheers for your viewing pleasure.

One of the unique features of my writing retreat is that I have a resident therapy cat, Ms. Kitty is here to help guests relax and de-stress after a hard day of writing. Word of caution…Ms. Kitty does not like to be touched, she reacts quite violently if she is touched, so keep that in mind.

I have several air mattresses which you’re more than welcomed to use, the box they came in says they are comfortable to sleep on. I would suggest bringing a sleeping bag because Ms. Kitty sometimes attacks exposed skin during the night, I think it’s some type of primal instinct of hers.

We will be starting every day off at 4 am, I believe in starting my days early. I will give you one courtesy wake-up warning at 4 am, if you are not up and ready to go by 4:05 am I will begin kicking you violently, I do not believe in the soft, gentle approach to waking people up. You get one chance and one chance only, don’t blow it. Once you are awake you will be assigned chores, like making me breakfast, cleaning my bathroom, vacuuming the floor and cleaning the kitty litter box.

Please do not leave your valuables at the retreat when you are not there, I will not be responsible for any lost or stolen items. But if anything happens to go missing do not be too alarmed by it, I like collecting keepsakes of people who visit my retreat so just consider it a sign of endearment.

For lunch and dinner, the retreat is within walking distance of several fine eateries such as McDonald’s, Panda Express, Taco Bell and some Mexican place that made me sick the last time I went there.

Here are some major writing awards the writing retreat owner (Me) has never won or even been nominated for. The Pulitzer, National Book Award, Pushcart Prize, Fulbright, NEA Grant, or any other award. Yes, I am pretty disappointed myself, but it’s all politics with these awards. It’s not what you write but who you write a check to.

Remember payment will be required in advance. Deposits are non-refundable. I prefer cash and for your convenience there is no application.

Ms. Kitty and I look forward to meeting you.

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