I Don’t Know About You…But When People Come To My House I Always Treat Them Like Family!




Hey Pete, Get the hell in here, it’s great to see you. I’m glad you were able to stop by after work. I was just getting ready to sit down and watch some TV. Why don’t you take a seat and join me. NO, not there that’s my seat dammit! Sit over there next to Ms. Kitty. No, don’t move her, just because she is a cat you think you can treat her like that? What the hell is wrong with you? Why don’t you just sit on the floor then…What? You think you are too good to sit on my floor? You know what Pete, I really wish you would just stop talking. I don’t know what you do at your house but here we don’t sit in front of the TV and talk over what the actors are saying, how can we follow along if we do that? Sounds pretty stupid don’t you think? What? I can’t hear you? Do you see where the TV remote is? Hey Pete, why don’t you get up and turn up the volume on the TV. Wait… What? What the hell do you mean NO!  No what?  No, I don’t want to get in trouble? Well it’s too late for that you son of a bitch…Too damn late! Just go to your room!  Geez, what the hell got into Pete?


Becky, Welcome, come on in! Hey everyone Becky from church is here! And guess what, she is dressed like a two dollar whore!  We were just going to sit down for dinner. Becky, why don’t you join us. Just please go wash your hands first. I can’t even imagine what you have been holding in those hands but it makes me sick to think about it, so please go scrub those whore mitts up!  Where’s the bathroom? Who do I look like? You’re Daddy? I don’t need to know if you have to go Number One or Number Two. Just make sure you wash those damn hands again. Hey Becky! How long do you plan on being in there? Your food is getting cold…I am not going to heat it up for you. So don’t complain that it’s cold, it’s not my fault if you can’t hold your poo poo for ten minutes and eat first like a normal person. And guess what? You are going to eat every single bite! Hey, really, what the hell is taking so long in there?


What? She left you? Oh man I’m sorry to hear that Don. But let me ask you this, did you just come to my house to tell me your wife left you just to get some sympathy? After all I’m just your neighbor. Let me ask you this, are you ever going to grow up and act like a goddamn man? Tell me, what did you do wrong to make her leave you? Did you cheat on her?  What?  With who?  Becky?  You mean Becky that slut that goes to my church? She was just over for dinner yesterday. What you slept with her before she came over? I knew she smelled like sex and shame! Well I don’t blame your wife for leaving you Don, you are a piece of shit and now you probably have an STD. You know Becky is a little whore right? I think you should probably seek some therapy, you need to pay someone to listen to your problems because I am getting tired of doing it for free. You know what Don, give me your car keys. Why? Because if you can’t be responsible enough not to sleep around when you are married then you certainly aren’t responsible enough to drive a two ton death machine.


Cindy, I don’t know how to say this, but I can’t stand you! I know you are just my mailman, oh, wait what do they call you women who do man type jobs at the post office? A letter carrier?  Ok,  Cindy,  I can’t stand you because you are my letter carrier! You do nothing but bring me bills and occasionally take some of my letters to be mailed. I have been talking to my therapist and we have determined that you are the source of all my problems. It all leads back to you Cindy! You treat me so poorly and you don’t even give a shit. You come and go so quickly, you never stop and ask me how I am doing or if I need anything, you just deliver me stress and despair. I really, really dislike you Cindy! I will never forgive you for all the pain and misery you have caused me!…Can I have some money to go get something from Taco Bell?


Billy, it’s great that you could come stay with us for the weekend, are you as excited as I am for the high school reunion? Man, how long has it been since we actually hung out together? Probably back in high school was the last time right? Those were the good ol’ days weren’t they? Well, anyways I’m glad you are staying the night with us. So are you comfy in my bed? Do you want me to spoon you? Billy, stop acting like that it hurts my feeling! Are you mad because I yelled at you during dinner? It’s just that you were chewing with your mouth open, it really bothers me! Or was it because I made fun of you in front of Stacy and Tina? You know they never liked you in high school so do you really think they like you now? Come on man, use your head. Stop being so damn sensitive, Life is a bitch Billy! You need to be hard, you can’t let the little things get to you! I’m just trying to help you out, toughen you up. Don’t you know you mean everything to me Billy!? Now let’s get some sleep we have a busy day ahead of us, oh don’t forget you need to make me breakfast in the morning.

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