Things I Did During 2015 To Bring Shame To My Family Name

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Allowed my emotions to get the best of me, just for fun.

Borrowed someone else’s swim trunks.

Cursed at random strangers.

Failed to appreciate the things I apparently take for granted, like my Mother’s advice.

Failed to appreciate the beauty of nature, especially when it’s covered in six inches of snow.

Falsified documents, several cable company satisfaction surveys.

Feigned interest.

Gave my neighbor’s annoying little kid chocolate Ex-Lax, saying it was candy. I still smile when I think of this one.

Laughed during inappropriate moments.

Lingered near female locker room door entirely too long.

Left my home several times without good intentions.

Misspelled my own name.

Opened mail not addressed to me, then threw it away.

Occasionally used big words without knowing their meaning to sound smarter than I am.

Prayed to the cast of Friends, more than twice.

Pretended to be German so I didn’t have to talk to my neighbor, this shame continues, I might have to move.

Protein Farts, enough said.

Pushed when I should have pulled.

Purposely share a bottle of water when I knew I had a cold.

Spilled without wiping.

Stole my neighbor’s garden gnome and placed in another neighbor’s yard.

Vandalized a porta-potty with a permanent marker, I wonder if anyone ever called her for a good time?

Wore non-matching socks, knowingly.

Wrestled with my demons and allowed them to pin me.

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