Instructions On How To Survive A Chance Encounter With Me…Or Someone That Looks Like Me, But Chances Are It’s Probably Me.

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Alright, I really don’t want to alarm you, but there is a slight chance you might find yourself face to face with me. So if this does happen, and you find yourself looking right at me and I make eye contact with you. First of all, whatever happens you need to keep cool, don’t get all panicky. Keep your head. Chances are I am just as afraid of you as you are of me….Just kidding, I’m not afraid of you, but we will just pretend and say that I am.

So one of the best ways to avoid an encounter with me is to just steer clear of the areas I am known to hang out at, such as the gym. The gym is my prime hunting ground, you are not safe there at all, so just be smart and stay the hell out of the gym. Another place I go to is the park, I like to walk around the park with my cat. There is actually a small group of us who walk our cats every other day down at the park. It’s a lot of fun, great comradery and our cats love the exercise and fresh air. So just stay the hell away from the park, unless it’s on the off day of cat walking, then you can go.

Something to keep in mind, I usually don’t consider normal, everyday people my enemy unless I feel threatened or provoked in some manner. Or if they try selling me something, whether it’s a vacuum or a religion, just don’t try selling me anything.

So let’s say you spot me off in the distance, do your best to move out of the area as quick as possible, in the opposite direction of course. But keep it casual, don’t start running, even if you are running away from me. Running tends to trigger an unpleasant childhood memory of kids poking me with sticks and running off…I will chase you down and you won’t like what I do when I catch you.

Now there is the chance that even if you left the area in a nice calm, orderly fashion, not drawing much attention to yourself, that I may follow you, perhaps I sense that you are carrying food or large sums of cash. I have what many call a “seventh sense”  when it comes to food and money. So if you happen to have these items on you the best thing you can do is to get rid of them as quickly as you can, just drop them on the ground and keep going, don’t look back, just keep moving. Now if for some strange reason you dropping your food and cash doesn’t stop me from following you, the best thing to do is just stop, and drop to the ground in the fetal position, then start yelling for someone to call the police. This might throw me off the pursuit, especially if a crowd gathers around you and begin taking video of you to put on Youtube.

Now let’s say you dropped into the fetal position, and beginning calling out for someone to call the police, but unfortunately for you nobody is around to hear your cries. If you see me come over towards you, it is best if you play dead. I would suggest that you be very convincing, I am usually pretty good at telling if someone is actually dead or not. If I see your chest moving up and down or that you are crying, I will instinctively know it’s just a little pathetic show you are doing and it will drive me into a rage. Why…Well it’s simple, nobody likes to be made a fool of …Am I right?

There is another option you can try doing to get away from me if I am chasing you down. Try climbing a tree, or better yet a really long flight of stairs. I may be enraged and acting crazy but not enough to put that kind of cardio effort into getting  a hold of you. Besides I don’t want to lose my gains. Maybe I will wait around for a while just to see if you come back down the stairs to leave or maybe I will look around for an elevator or even an escalator. But usually I get bored and just start to wander off, going back to whatever I was doing before you came into the picture.

Now let’s talk worst case scenario, maybe you and I will find ourselves face to face without either of us having any type of warning. Perhaps you will come around a corner in Hastings and there I will be looking down at a record, that’s right, I listen to records, nothing beats vinyl…If you haven’t listened to your favorite song on a record before then you truly are not living a life worth living. Anyways, you come around the corner and there I am, holding a record. What Now Girly Man?  Well, you can try using a calm, soothing voice to let me know that you too believe in the beauty and magic of hearing music on vinyl.

If for some reason we don’t instantly become best friends, and I start to advance towards you with an ominous look on my face, then you have no choice but to go on the offensive. I will tell you right now my most vulnerable area would be my one working eyeball, I won’t mention which one, you will have to figure it out. Just start trying to finger poke me in the eyes, this might throw me off my game momentarily, this will give you a brief window to make your escape in. ( I would suggest hiding in the children’s book area, I never go over there because I don’t want to look like some creeper)

So I imagine by now you can pretty much tell I’m a fairly shy person and I usually only get aggressive when driven by fear or territoriality (such as protecting my space at the gym) Or maybe I just won’t like the way your face looks, or the outfit your wearing, perhaps your height or weight. Anyways, I think if we both do our best to just give each other plenty of space and breathing room there really shouldn’t be a problem. Heck, I can even envision a day when I give a slight head nod in your direction as you wave at me from a distance…A good long distance.

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