Can I get everyone’s attention…First of all, Good Morning and Welcome to the first day of 2016!
I guess I should start off by apologizing for the comments I made last night during the New Year’s Eve party, and as everyone can clearly see the world did not end when the sun came up today. I don’t know what got into me, maybe I had too much to drink and I think I was a little emotionally fragile as well, I had a rough day at the gym, couldn’t hit any of my personal bests. So I was in no condition to claim that the only way any of us would survive the imminent demise of our planet would be for all of you to come back to my house for “Inter-Planetary Space Transport.” I am really sorry I made you all come out here.
But I must admit, I am pleased, that so many of you truly got on board with this whole inter-planetary space transport thing I came up with. And that name you gave yourselves “The Star Travelers” really is pretty cool. I see a great number of you even removed all your body hair and coated yourselves with peanut butter according to my instructions, which, again, I honestly didn’t except anyone to follow. I am not going to come out and say that I was just joking last night when I mentioned this to some of you, because clearly some of the facial expressions I see in this crowd are concerning to me. But I will say, that I did not intend to find such a receptive audience at the party last night that would drop everything and join an inter-planetary space travel cult.
I think I should also make a special announcement for all the women I see out here, lately I have had a rough patch when it comes to women, my last few girlfriends all dumped me once I started getting serious with them, which looking back I can tell I took it to that level way too soon after meeting them. But seeing all you ladies out here in my yard and knowing that you were willing to commit yourselves to becoming my pleasure vessels during our Inter-Planetary Space Travel. And when I suggested that I would choose an “Inter-Planetary Queen” to rule with me by doing a topless make-out competition, you all were on board with this. And for that I want to Thank You, you truly made my New Year’s Eve one to remember. Oh, and I must apologize as well for everything I said last night, I truly am sorry., but obviously there will be no Inter-Planetary Queen chosen…Sorry.
Okay, I need to wrap this up, I need to get to the gym, I am starting a new workout routine for the New Year. But just to clarify, there will be no Inter-Planetary space travel happening on my lawn today or any day this week, despite what I may have said at the party last night.
But please feel free to use the garden hose to wash the peanut butter off yourselves. I think I have some cranberry juice in the fridge and there are a few banana muffins on the counter, feel free to help yourselves. But please, before you all head back to your homes, would you pick up the clothing and human waste that you left in the yard. I don’t want my neighbor’s to complain…. Thanks