Help Wanted: Female For Overnight Sleeping Position

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So I have been told that I snore, when I lay on my back I guess my snoring can set off car alarms, I move around a lot when I sleep, so I will probably steal all the covers and heaven help you if you try to suddenly wake me, I instinctively lash out like a caged bobcat. But here is my dilemma, I tend to sleep on one side of the bed so it is starting to create a geographical anomaly on the mattress, similar to a mountain range with a deep valley. So I need someone to sleep next to me in order to even it out.

I’m looking for a female sleeping companion, must be clean, minimal body hair because it can cause unwanted skin irritation. You need to be a non-smoker and preferably someone who does not have a history of bed-wetting, night sweats or night terrors.

If you think this sleep position will lead to anything along the lines of a romance or long-term relationship then please do not apply. I am strictly looking for a female to even out my mattress. I paid way too much money for this mattress and I am willing to go to these drastic measures to ensure its long term use. Basically, I just need the physical weight in the shape of a human body to sleep on the other side of my bed to make it look like less of a mountain range and more like a peaceful meadow,where blissful slumber can be found.

So anyone interested in this position must be comfortable with my night time routine, I like to lay in bed for thirty minutes practicing yoga moves, yoga has really done wonders for getting my body and mind in a state of  nighttime “Chi”  I also get up quite regularly to use the bathroom and sometimes around 2 am I will get up and make myself something to eat. Also sometimes I eat in bed, and occasionally it does get messy. You must not bring this up to me the following day, even if you wake up covered in salsa and chips…We just never talk about it!  You will need to brush your teeth before bed, even if I don’t. And you will need to apply lotion to your body, I have a tendency of slinging my leg over in the area you will be sleeping in and I don’t want it to get scratched up on your rough, dry skin.

Also, just so you know I don’t like changing my sheets on a regular basis, so you must be comfortable with sleeping in any stains that might be accumulated over the course of several months. You must also be comfortable with sleeping on one pancake flat pillow, as I need to rotate the four other good ones throughout the night. Occasionally you must be willing to go above and beyond your normal sleeping duties by realigning the comforter if it begins to creep off the bed. Also, you will need to wear a blindfold while you sleep, since I like to sleep  “clothing optional”  I would hate for you to wake up during the night and get the bright idea of taking advantage of me. And just so you know, I do sleep with a can of pepper spray under my pillow!

Also, I’m not looking for a cuddler, spooner or any other “er” so keep your body parts off me during my slumber. Again, I’m not looking for a girlfriend and even if you were, I would prefer you didn’t touch me while I am sleeping. I mean really…What am I supposed to do with your arm pinning me down like a broken toll booth gate? Also, you must sleep with your mouth facing away from me at all times. I usually wake up around 4 am, I will occasionally drift back to sleep for ten to fifteen minutes but you can count on 4:30 am being the absolute latest I will sleep in to. And once I am up for the day it will be time for you to leave. Breakfast will not be provided.

I look forward to sleeping with you!

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