Christmas Humor…My Gift For You Is A Laugh, Go Ahead Un-Wrap It!

CHristmas Humor

 

 

 

Why Women Would Love To Be Santa Claus

Female Santa

 

  1. You’d never be expected to make the coffee.
  1. There’d be no more early morning decisions about what to

wear to the office.

  1. You could grow a gut the size of Guam and consider it a

job requirement.

  1. Buy one big black belt and you’d be accessorized for life.
  1. There’d be no reason to have your colors done.
  1. Everyone would be extremely nice to you, even if you

weren’t.

  1. Should people suggest your belly jiggled…when you

laughed…like a bowlful of jelly, you could hit

them with your purse.

  1. You’d always work in sensible footwear.
  1. There’d be no need to play office politics; a hearty ho-ho-

ho would remind everyone who’s boss.

  1. You wouldn’t need to buy an expensive briefcase.
  1. No one would dare ask for a ride to work.
  1. You’d never again have to wear pantyhose or worry about

your slip showing.

  1. No more trips to the vending machine…you’d just snack

on milk and cookies all day (FOR FREE!).

  1. You’d never be asked to take an early retirement package.
  1. Juggling work and family would be a breeze because your

children would adore you; even your teen-

agers would want to sit in your lap.

  1. You’d be guaranteed the best chair in the office.
  1. Age discrimination wouldn’t be an issue.
  1. You’d never grab the wrong coat on your way out the

door.

  1. No one would ask to see your job description.

 

 

 

The Scrooge

Scrooge

 

After being away on business for a week before Christmas, Tom thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.

“How about some perfume?” he asked the cosmetics clerk.

She showed him a bottle costing $50.

“That’s a bit much,” said Tom, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.

“That’s still quite a bit,” Tom grumbled.

Growing disgusted, the clerk brought out a tiny $15 bottle.

Tom grew agitated, “What I mean,”  he said, “is I’d like to see something real cheap.”

So the clerk handed him a mirror.

 

 

 

Three Wise Women

Wise Women copy

 

Do you know what would have happened if there had been Three Wise WOMEN instead of Three Wise MEN?

The WOMEN would have:

– Asked directions,

– Arrived on time,

– Helped deliver the baby,

– Cleaned the stable,

– Made a casserole, and

– Brought practical gifts (like diapers!)

 

 

 

The Smart Husband

SMart husband

 

A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.

After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his said, “I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles.”

“She did,”  he replied. “But where was I going to find a fake Jeep?”

 

 

 

Prayer Time

kids praying

 

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.

“I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE…

I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE…

I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE…”

His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, “Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn’t deaf.”  To which the little brother replied, “No, but Gramma is!”

 

 

Fast and Furiously Festive Jokes

fast and furious copy

What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?

It’s Christmas, Eve!

 

Who is never hungry at Christmas?

The turkey – he’s always stuffed!

 

How do you know when there is a snowman in your bed?

You wake up wet!

 

What would a reindeer do if it lost its tail?

She’d go to a  “re-tail” shop for a new one!

 

Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a

vampire?

A: Frostbite.

 

Q: Why was Santa’s little helper depressed?

A: Because he had low elf esteem.

 

Q: What do snowmen eat for breakfast?

A: Snowflakes.

 

Christmas: The time when everyone gets Santamental.

 

What’s the first thing elves learn in school?

The  “elf”-abet!

 

What do the elves call it when Father Christmas claps his hands at the end of a play?

Santapplause!

 

What do you call people who are scared of Santa Claus?

Claustrophobic!

 

What do you call Santa when he has no money?

Saint “Nickel”-less!

 

What do you call someone who doesn’t believe in Father Christmas?

A rebel without a Claus!

 

What do you get if you cross Santa with a flying saucer?

A UF ho, ho, ho

 

What do you get if you cross Santa with a gardener?

Someone who likes to hoe, hoe, hoe!

 

What nationality is Santa Claus?

North Polish!

 

What’s red & white and red & white and red & white?

Santa rolling down a hill!

 

Where does Santa stay when he’s on holidays?

At a Ho-ho-tel

 

What do snowmen eat for lunch?

Icebergers !

 

How do snowmen travel around?

By iceicle!

 

How do snowmen greet each other?

Ice to meet you!

 

What do you call a snowman in the summer?

A puddle

 

What’s a snowman’s favorite Mexican food?

Brrrrrr-itos!

 

Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman?

You have to hollow out its head first.

 

Sherlock’s favorite Christmas song:

“I’ll be Holmes for Christmas”

 

How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?

Fleece Navidad!

 

What did the grape say to the peanut butter?

“‘Tis the season to be jelly!”

 

What kind of money do they use at the North Pole?

Cold cash!

 

I keep Christmas in my heart every month of the year.

That’s because it’s on my charge card statement that long!

 

What kind of music do elves like best?

“Wrap” music!

And With That I Want To Wish Everyone A Very Merry Christmas!!

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