Help Wanted: Christmas Party Display Wife

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Position: Office Christmas Party Wife

Preferably a lady, in her late twenties to early forties (will consider over 50 if situation becomes critical)

Wife/Fiancee/Girlfriend the title is not important, you will be required to attend my office Christmas party with me. (Possible future employment if Christmas party goes well)

I am the youngest of three boys, have never done very well with whole  “married”  thing and right now I don’t really have time to do the whole relationship trial and error phase before my upcoming office Christmas party. I recently found out my boss is looking to promote some people in the office but he is of the belief that all his Supervisors should be married or in stable long term relationships. He has never met me so there is a chance we could pull this off. Also it would be nice to be able to send my Mom some nice Christmas pictures with someone in them other than my cat. I know she has concerns about me, so I need to act quickly before she becomes completely ashamed of me and starts writing me out of the will.

So this is where YOU would come in, my special Christmas Party Wife. You must not have any plans for the weekend prior to Christmas and it would help if you currently are not pregnant or at least not showing. We can meet at Starbucks before the party or if you would prefer somewhere more secluded, then we can meet at the fairgrounds by the duck pond. I will leave the location up to you.

If you will require lodging for the night of the Christmas party please let me know ahead of time. If you are homeless I don’t feel I should be required to pay for any lodging for you, but I am willing to drop you off at the nearest park or shelter if you so desire. Please bring your last month’s utility bills that are in your name for residency verification.

Now in order for this whole thing to go off properly and for YOU to make a good impression on my boss, I will need you to be able to hold your own in a conversation. My boss is quite the talker from what I have been told and I was able to get a list of topics he enjoys talking about. So you will need to come prepared with a basic conversational knowledge of the following topics:

Yacht Racing. (he owns a large racing yacht)

Theology.

Air-Conditioning Repair. (He owns a small HVAC company as well)

Novels set on the sea in the eighteenth and nineteenth centuries.

HAM Radio operations. (one of his hobbies)

Boating in general. (exception: flat-bottom racing boats…Do Not Bring These Up)

Czarist Russia. (prior to the revolution) 

Classical Guitar.

Disney Movies. (His favorite is Fantasia, know it by heart)

Biblical characters. (For some reason he hates it when people bring up Ezekiel, so don’t)

Know the differences between the book Blue and the Grey and the film adaptation.

Learn all you can about Captain and Tennille. (he has a thing for the Captain and those hats)

And the current season of Housewives of New York. (I can’t explain this one)

Now I am well aware all of this seems like a lot to learn and especially on short notice, but I need to show my boss I didn’t just end up with some run of the mill bar girl for a wife.  You need to come across as a well-educated, worldly woman. This will improve my chances at the promotion. I am also willing to give you a bonus if your performance lands me the job, if you get me fired don’t expect any bonuses.

I want to say Thank You to any and all applicants ahead of time, you will be potentially helping me advance my career and in today’s economy these opportunities don’t come along very often. Remember, I am looking for a smart girl to play my wife, so the looks aren’t all that important, I think it will send a good message to my boss that I care more for intelligence than appearances. That being said, there is nothing wrong with breast implants, Botox or any other cosmetic procedures that improve your appearance.

Like I said this will be for the office Christmas party, the weekend before Christmas. We will part ways after the party, but don’t go too far. If things go well and I get the promotion chances are I will be requiring your services again real soon.

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