Diane and Jeremy…Two Millennials Discuss The Difficulties Of Their Intimacy.




Jeremy:  Uh oh, Diane…I’m not sure but I think my automated vagina is low on batteries.

Diane:  Really? I don’t think thats the problem, I think my vibrator is the one running out of batteries.

Jeremy:  That really is an impressive vibrator, where did you get that? It looks expensive.

Diane:  Wait a second, let me get new batteries first.

Jeremy:  You know, I think my automated vagina actually looks like a vagina. But your vibrator looks like something else. I almost think it looks like a piece of artwork.

Diane:  Well, to be honest, that’s what it feels like too. The few times that I have used it all I could think of was Da Vinci created this moment for me, it felt like I was his Mona Lisa, except I was making a happy face…Oh, shit, I think it’s stuck.

Jeremy:  I don’t think anyone has ever said that to me before.

Diane:  I mean, it is stuck in your vagina thing, I can’t get it out.

Jeremy:  Oh just leave it. Let’s just finish our Latte’s. You know, this is real nice don’t you think? We are just sitting here, drinking our Pumpkin Spice Latte’s and having a nice discussion as our sex toys screw each other.

Diane:  Well, what happens if I can’t get it out?

Jeremy:  Hey, don’t worry about it. I can always buy myself a new automated vagina, I think mine is getting worn out anyways, it’s not as tight as it used to be.

Diane:  Sounds like your vagina thing gets around.

Jeremy: Well, it certainly gets more action than I do, that’s for sure. But I defiantly can’t last as long as it can though.

Diane: I know what you mean, my vibrator can last for hours. Well, that is if I’m running Duracell’s in it.

Jeremy: Did you happen to name your vibrator? I hear some girls do that?

Diane: Well, it’s kind of embarrassing, but I named it Ron.

Jeremy: How did you come up with that name?

Diane: I named it after the greatest President ever…Ronald Reagan. At least that’s what my Dad keeps telling me.

Jeremy: Damn, this sure is a good Pumpkin Spice latte!

Diane: I never use to like Pumpkin Spice, but since it was trending I felt like I needed to get on board.

Jeremy: I’m with you on that one, for some reason I associate pumpkin spice with my old ecstasy dealer. She would always make me meet her at the Whole Foods store, she would make me walk with her as she shopped for her supplements and skin care products, always asking my advice as far as colors and scents. She use to say I have an eye and nose for that type of thing. But she always bought this pumpkin face cream that supposedly worked wonders but smelled horrendous, I tried to tell her that but that is the one product she never took my advice on, she would just say “Shut up bitch.” She really had a thing for that pumpkin face cream. Anyways like you though I drink the pumpkin spice lattes because they are trendy.

Diane: Interesting story…Would you just listen to that vibrator of mine? Sounds like it’s tearing your vagina apart.

Jeremy: Sounds like it’s finished to me.

Diane: I think your vagina thingy has had it as well.

Jeremy: I don’t think so, those automated vaginas have a sensor in them, so when there is no more motion it will go into power saving mode. It’s totally “Green.”

Diane: Well I could go and get some more batteries for “Ron” if you like or we can just call it a night?

Jeremy: Can I ask you a question? Did you put something in my latte?

Diane: I added a little coco powder and my secret sauce.

Jeremy: Did you add a touch of Almond oil?

Diane: Oh my God!

Jeremy: I knew it.

Diane: Wow, you really are good aren’t you?

Jeremy: Well, I really have a thing for anything Almond.

Diane: You know what Jeremy….If you like, you can leave your vagina here and come back and get it whenever you like.

Jeremy: Okay, I would like that.

Diane: I’m just saying, you know, if you want to. You totally don’t have to if you don’t want to.

Jeremy: No…I really would like that. Thank You!

Diane: Alright then.

Jeremy: Do you think it would be alright if I had another latte?

Diane: Well, of course.

Jeremy: Sweet…This time I will try to drink a little slower.

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