Love Lost…My Sweet Montana Summer

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Dearest Montana Summer,

 

I miss you! I know you are long gone now, I can’t help but think maybe it was my fault, do you feel I took you for granted? Maybe I did, it’s hard to say, things were so crazy, and it all seemed so damn short. But please know this, I love you and need you more than ever right now! Please, please come back!

I remember when you first showed up in my life, I was cold and angry, but when you showed up everything changed for me, I was happy again and was able to finally put that crazy bitch of a Winter behind me and move forward with my life. I use to comment on how beautiful I thought you were, even my friends kept saying  “Isn’t summer in Montana beautiful?”  Well the question was rhetorical, of course you are beautiful and your radiant energy was infectious.

When you showed up, I no longer hid myself indoors, usually I could be found laying in my bed in the fetal position, hidden under several blankets and crying, always crying. But thanks to you I got out more and I experienced all the sensual pleasures life had to offer me, you truly brought out the best in me.

I remember sharing that first exhilarating sudden downpour with you, things got so hot and sticky, the sweat and rain made for a rapturous moment indeed. I will be honest, that very first one we shared together I kind of panicked, I started to run for my car, but then I just gave in, and allowed myself to be caught up in the moment, I gave in to you and I was never happier, I remember dancing in the rain, and you showed me your rainbow,  it was a moment I will never forget. I had that ridiculous grin on my face as I drove home, I may have even shed a tear of joy that day.

Some people say that love, especially new love makes us do crazy things and as I look back on our time together I can’t help but think some of the things you compelled me to do in those early days of your arrival were really not in my best interest. Like when I left the house barefoot because I wanted to feel your warmth on my feet, which was great until I stepped on that nail and had to go to the hospital so they could remove it. I know, I blamed you, I said things I regret, I wish I could take back those words now, and who knows maybe you would have wanted to stay around longer. But I knew when I met you that you were a free spirit, you couldn’t be tamed, I knew one day you would move on.

Looking back I am not really sure when it happened. At first I felt so lucky to have you in my life, but as time went on, things changed, I know I got lazy, perhaps at times I thought you were too much to deal with, at times I ignored you, and then it became a routine.

I feel ashamed to admit this, but there were even a few times when I said some negative things about you. Honestly, I found myself getting overwhelmed by you. The warmth and energy that I had appreciated so deeply in the beginning….Well, it became stifling and unwanted. I had wild thoughts running through my head of something new, I needed to experience something a little darker, perhaps even a little more mysterious. Yes, I admit it, you were right when you accused me of talking to Autumn, but it was just a brief flirtation, I really didn’t know what I wanted at the time….I was so confused.

I knew you thought there was something going on, I became distant, aloof. And I admit I didn’t even notice that you were slowly pulling yourself away from me, and when I finally did figure it out it was too late and my heart was filled with regret, I was disloyal to you, the one thing that truly brought so much happiness and joy into my life and I screwed it up. I was a mess, I know I acted like nothing was bothering me, but on the inside I wanted your warmth on me again, I longed for it, but I knew it was too late.

I will never forget that night I woke up alone, cold, shivering… I realized you had left for good, I felt lost, truly lost without you. I miss you so damn much. My life is just a cold wasteland without you, please forgive me.

My sweet Montana Summer, I really am sorry I took you for granted. I shiver when I think about life without you. But even in these darkest of days, my love endures for you, all I can do now is hope you will make your way back into my life again one day. There will always be a place in my heart for you.

Missing You,

Cold and Shivering in Montana

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