To Sprinkles, My Potted Palm Plant…Why Are You Such A Temperamental Bitch?

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Oh Sprinkles, you have let me down. I even named you! Who does that? Someone who treats you like family that’s who! You are such a temperamental bitch! Sure, when I first brought you to your new home, I guess it’s understandable you were under a little stress, after all the only place you have ever known was the Lowe’s garden nursery, but I really tried to make it an easy transition for you. I bought all the special foods and manure that the saleswoman told me I should get you, but none of it seemed to help.

Since you moved in, what have you done to repay my kindness? You make me sit there and watch you as slowly and deliberately commit suicide. I’m sick of it, why can’t you just stop being difficult and be the easy carefree plant your information card promised?

How can I enjoy being in the same room as you when all I hear is the sound of your curled up brown leaves dropping to the floor…plinkplink….plink….plink… it’s driving me nuts.

I was very patient at first, I really did give you plenty of time to adjust to your new surroundings. Sure, this isn’t the nicest of places to live, but it could be worse, you could be locked up in a cold dark basement, being ravaged by the weird insects that live down there. And yes, I know my crazy neighbor probably freaks you out sometimes when he goes off on one of his tirades, but it is possible to get use to such things, I’ve been here for a couple years now and I’m hardly even phased by it anymore.  And the other day I thought you would appreciate it when I watched that gardening show on TLC. I did that for you! But no, you didn’t seem to appreciate that at all….plinkplink…that is how you thanked me…plinkplink!

Look Sprinkles, I have done everything I can think of to ease your transition into my home. I could have just left you in your plastic pot. Instead I bought you that very nice glazed ceramic pot with the cool southwest designs on it. That thing was thirty bucks Sprinkles! Thirty bucks!

Some stupid website told me I should talk to you like you were a real person, so I started sharing my experiences with you, I really opened up to you Sprinkles! I will admit it was pretty therapeutic for me and I really thought last week we shared a moment. I actually slept through the night for the first time in months. But when I woke up to find half a dozen new leaves on the floor, my heart sank.

I went back to Lowe’s garden center and talked to that saleswoman, and she told me you don’t like it when the wind blows directly on you, so I moved you away from the window, then I found out you don’t like shade so I moved you back to the window, then I was told you don’t like moving either, so I finally just left you alone to wither and shed in peace.

You know what the worst part is Sprinkles? We were supposed to have this amazing symbiosis. I would shower you with delicate breezes of carbon dioxide and in return, you would purify the air in my house, our house Sprinkles. Together we would battle the unhealthy environment we live in and turn it into something healthy and beautiful. But Jesus, just look at you, bald spots everywhere, and dozens upon dozens of dried up leaves at the bottom of that over-priced ceramic pot.

I am the only one who is allowed to die a slow death inside this house, do you understand Sprinkles?

This relationship is unhealthy, one of us needs to make some changes and that someone is you, are you listen to me Sprinkles?Sprinkles?


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