You Think You Know Me?…Man, You Have No Idea!

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Well, you may think you know me, but you don’t. So let me just clear a few things up for you. When it comes to interior lighting I will always go with a nice overhead florescent over a lamp any day, I have one house plant and it is brown, it started off green, but it is brown now and I like it. When I eat bagels I like to put cream cheese on one side and butter on the other, sometimes I switch it up and put butter on one side and cream cheese on the other. Maybe you eat them in a different manner, but since you are not me it doesn’t really matter. So don’t interrupt me.

You will never truly understand the lifestyle I live. I prefer plastic spoons over metal ones. I like the idea of garage sales, but would never attend one. I once ate Ritz crackers on a rooftop. I like sunflower seeds, I don’t eat them, I just like spitting them great distances. You think you know me, well you don’t, nobody does.

I will avoid public restrooms at all costs and at home I sometimes flush the toilet with my foot just so I don’t have to wash my hands. Once in a while I like to imagine that the people I talk to in public are naked, in my mind I make fun of them, that’s why I sometimes have been accused of laughing at inopportune times. Sometimes I like to eat frozen Brussels Sprouts right out of the bag. So don’t tell me you know my lifestyle.

I like the idea of having a girlfriend, yet I also like the idea of personal freedom. But if I did have a girlfriend I would spend my Sundays making homemade salsa with her. If I had a girlfriend I would probably send her seductive text messages during the day. And at night we would snuggle up on the floor and watch the movie  “Pumping Iron,”  with the lights off of course. If I had a girlfriend, we would make lists of things we should do together on our free time. For example, If she wanted to go watch a weightlifting competition, I would go do that with her, but if she wanted to go see a chick flick at the theater, I would probably go do that as well. Honestly, I don’t care what we do. You think you know what it’s like to walk a mile in my shoes, I think not.

Well, my shoes are pretty comfy truth be told…

But your feet are probably smaller than mine anyways.

I called the woman who brought me into this world, you may have one as well, I call this one Mom. She always likes to ask what is new with me, and I tell her the same thing every time. “Mom, I do my same routine day in day out, nothing changes”  But then she always says the same thing, “There must be something that’s new for you.”  Then to make her happy I said I was giving some thought to buying a new pair of winter gloves. And I went one step further and told her that if I could find a good deal on one I may even buy a new hat. I told her I haven’t gotten myself a new hat for at least a year. There was a brief moment of silence on her end. Then she asked if I had looked at the gloves and hats over at Sear Roebuck? I told her that store had been closed for years, she seemed confused when I told her that, then we moved on to a different topic.

But be honest…You wouldn’t know about any of that would you? You have no clue about my life, or where I shop.

Sometimes my friends and I say things, you know friend stuff. Sometimes we go places together. I don’t drink alcohol, so I just sometimes watch them drink, then I usually end up driving them home, but sometimes if they are an annoying drunk I drop them off at the police station. I do it in order to help them, they usually don’t see it that way, so I don’t have a lot of friends. But I do have a good friend that I make fun of sometimes and he makes fun of me. Sometimes we send each other threatening emails and sometimes we report each other to the authorities. Sometimes he is a dick. But you don’t know me, face it, you really don’t.

I have a dog, a really love my dog…

Ha, I don’t have a dog, I tricked you.

I really want a dog though. I would get a big dog, one that everyone is afraid of. And I would get a big spiked collar for it, just so it looks even more terrifying. Then I would name it a cute name like Bambi or Jezebel. I would let me dog watch tv with me on Saturdays, we could watch the movie  “Pumping Iron”  and I would let it eat popcorn out of my bowl, if you really love your pet you would let it eat out of the same bowl as you. But guess what? You aren’t invited to our Saturday movie night, so don’t even ask. Because you don’t even know me.

Well, I don’t know, maybe you do know me. Some people know me. But I kind of doubt that you are one of them, but who knows, actually, the odds are against you. You don’t know me.

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