This Year I Will Help You Ruin Thanksgiving…Your Welcome!




Thanksgiving is quickly approaching, and for those of you who don’t enjoy this festive time of family, friends and food, then this is your chance to ruin it for everyone. If you want to make sure you are never invited to another Thanksgiving get together again then follow these simple yet effective ways of ruining this joyous occasion.



Be Apathetic

When people start asking you how things are going for you, what’s new in your life, are you dating anyone, etc. Just be shady. Answer questions with questions, keep them wondering. Hell… make them think you’re on drugs (if you aren’t already) Make everyone feel uncomfortable even being around you.

Say things like  “I just got out of jail a few days ago, I had sex with my cellmate” or maybe  “I just do my thing, the streets, you know, the streets. Why do we feel we need to live confined by walls? I shouldn’t say anymore, you might be one of them”

Or you could just say  “Hey, did you know I’m apathetic? Can you tell me what apathetic means?”

If someone challenges you on your behavior, for example if you’re Grandpa says  “It’s Thanksgiving, why are you acting this way? What’s your problem?”  Your response should be swift and decisive, punch Grandpa right in the mouth, and then go sit in his favorite seat at the dinner table.

Eat quickly, while everyone else is still eating stand up and say  “I need to leave, I have some stuff to deal with right now and I can’t be wasting my time here!”

Be sure to say Happy Thanksgiving to everyone as you slam the front door.


Be Critical Of Everyone

For all the guests who have the misfortune of attending the same Thanksgiving dinner you are at instead of engaging them in the customary small talk, go a totally different route, one they won’t be expecting, start criticizing and belittling them. Let’s say your brothers family is there with you in the living room, tell his wife she is an embarrassment to the family, and that your mom, her mother-in-law can’t stand her. Then go find an Uncle or Aunt and tell them you are disgusted to even be related to them. Then finish it off by finding a Nephew or Niece and tell them they are adopted, and that they shouldn’t even be here because it’s only for “real”  family.

If your brother comes to confront you for what you said to his wife and child, tell him he is way too sensitive and needs to toughen up, let him know Dad feels the same way but didn’t want to say anything, but you’re not sugar-coating anything anymore. Also let him know you had an affair with his wife shortly after they were married and that one of their kids is probably yours. Then let him know your disgusted with him for not even picking up on the affair, tell him he should go talk to his wife instead of you, she has some explaining to do.

If any cousin’s show up to the Thanksgiving dinner make sure you let them know you don’t consider them family, never have, never will.

And lastly, go tell Grandpa that you had a dream about him last night, in your dream he died shortly after Thanksgiving dinner. But tell him not to worry in your dream he didn’t suffer too much.


Be A Complainer

Complain about the guests, tell them they are not worthy of eating in the same room as you.

Complain about the turkey, tell them it’s too big or too small and looks gross.

Complain that Grandpa smells like death.

Complain that you feel sick and start making gagging sounds.

Complain that you have an open sore on your foot then take your shoe and sock off to show people.

Complain that you had better things to do then to be here.

Complain that you don’t like it when people say what they are thankful for because it sounds fake and insincere.

Complain that your friend’s family is more fun to be around than yours.

Complain your feelings are hurt, but don’t say why, just stare at your Grandma.

Complain that you never felt loved by your parents, then just stare at your Grandma.

Complain that the chairs are uncomfortable and you want a to-go box.

Complain that you think your brother molested you once when you were kids, then stare at your Grandma.

Complain that the house is too cold or too hot and start opening windows.

Complain that your Grandpa keeps kicking your feet, even though he is nowhere near you.

Complain that the dinner table is not big enough and you feel crowded. Then ask if Grandma can go sit in the living room to free up space.

Complain that there isn’t a better selection of meats, then tell everyone you are now vegan.

Complain that Grandpa is making too much noise eating, even though he hasn’t started eating yet.

Complain that no one likes to hear you complain.

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