Have you ever done something so amazing, so exciting that you wanted to share it with everyone you know, expect for the fact you can’t because you would have to kill them for knowing too much? Yeah, well I had one of those days yesterday…I really wish I could tell you all about it, but sadly, then I would have to kill you.
Sure, I know people use that phrase all the time, right? You ask them how their weekend went and they sarcastically reply “I would tell you but then I would have to kill you” it’s just a poor attempt at humor and worse of all it ruins the effect of the warning when people like me need to say it and actually mean it. When I say that I really wish I could tell you all the amazing stuff I did yesterday but I can’t because I would have to kill you, I’m being serious. I would really have to kill you then make your body disappear…like forever! I know most of you who know me just think I’m that good natured, incredibly handsome guy who likes to go to the gym a lot. But truth be told, I’m a deadly white ninja, trained in the ancient arts of assassination and origami.
So as you can imagine, if a deadly white ninja tells you they would have to kill you, then you better take them seriously. I would come into your home in the darkest hours of the night, silently, so silently, not even your trusty dog would hear me. Your wife and kids wouldn’t hear me as I remove you from your home, they would just wake up in the morning and you would be gone, it would be almost like you never existed. Not even the best CSI team could find a clue of what happened, finally your wife will just tell your kids you ran off with a stripper named Pepper, then she would introduce your kids to Bill, the guy your wife found on Match.com who will keep her company in your bed. Hey…you can’t blame her, she was lonely and horny you selfish son of a bitch!
Okay, I’m just kidding, she probably was already sleeping with Bill before you went “missing.”
I even had a guy who worked for the cable company tell me “I could tell you how to get free HBO on your cable box, but then I would have to kill you”…Really? You dare use that term with a deadly white ninja? I can recall dozens of times when I actually sat there in the dark, watching the life fade from a man’s eyes. But the cable guy thinks he knows what it’s like? Perhaps he thinks the 1400 hours he has invested in Call of Duty compares.
And even if the cable guy did actually tell me how I could get free HBO, we would probably end up getting friendly and he would end up asking me what I did over the weekend and since the dude just gave me free HBO I would do him a solid and share my weekend shenanigans with him, I wouldn’t want to be rude, I wasn’t raised that way. But, of course later that evening I would have to go kill him, not because I want to, but because I have to, he can’t go around knowing that kind of information. Have you heard the term “Loose lips sink ships?” Well I think we all know how gabby cable guys are. But on a different note I have HBO now if anyone wants to come over and watch tv with me.
It’s not an easy life being a deadly white ninja, at times it can be lonely. You can’t really keep a girlfriend because you can’t ever explain to them what you did over the weekend, otherwise, well, you know what would happen.
Do you think this is funny? This is making you giggle?
Listen, I could tell you fifty things less funny than this story, I won’t share the entire list with you but they include bran cereal, a flea jumping on the carpet, a piece of uncooked elbow macaroni, cat tears, and any issue of Highlights magazine. And you know something else that isn’t so damn funny, the more I talk about this, the more I want to tell you what I did yesterday and then you know what happens? That’s right my little friend, this silly game we are playing, this awkward dance, well it would be over….Forever!
I will be straight up with you, once you hear about how my day went yesterday, well let’s just say you better make sure you are never, ever alone. I would suggest you always stay in a crowd. If you’re by a wall, you better keep your back against it and never enter a building without knowing where all the exits are. Before you eat your food I would suggest letting someone else taste it. Have someone walk you to your car and while they are there have them start it as well. Don’t trust anyone, because I can be anyone, at any time, after all I am a white ninja, we are masters of disguise. I could be your mailman, your neighbor, your wife, your dog. On that note, believe it or not I have successfully disguised myself as 14 different breeds of dogs and maybe 7 or 8 domestic cats and once I even disguised myself as an Ostrich. You can hire security guards to watch you 24 hours a day and seven days a week, but my friend I will tell you right now it won’t be enough to keep you safe. The moment you let your guard down, and believe me you will, I will be there….And then it will be over my friend…Forever!
So, think long and hard next time you want to ask me about my day, long and hard. Perhaps take a few moments, go for a walk, really think it over and then get back to me on whether or not you really want to know, choose your words carefully my friend…Well? Do you really want to know?