Hey there my social media friends, I know most of you don’t know me very well, but you follow along and read my posts, sometimes you will make a comment and other times you just ignore me, and that is all well and good. I will admit, I myself don’t usually read anyone’s posts unless they are a close friend or they have some key words that I pick up on, basically if someone has a meltdown on social media I will read their stuff, that’s like entertainment gold right there.
And there are a couple of you who I follow that are just out right funny, I sort of envy you because you have the ability to “get it” when it comes to how social media should be used.
So anyways, my life seems to be going fairly good. I live a simple existence, I have a simple routine I follow every day, basically I like things simple, but the last few days I have really been busy trying to keep up on Facebook, trying to stay on top of things so to speak. I have decided to try a new and exciting approach to my social media hi-jinks, I am going to venture into the realm of an “Over-Sharer” you will know what I mean fairly soon, but I plan to post new updates constantly, I will basically post my daily life, everything from pooping, to my recent foray into Youtube video postings. I posted a great one last night, it was basically me crying for eight minutes. My intent in this new social media venture is to let people get to know me, even though most of you will never really know me, I will just let you think you know me….But I’m even going to go one step beyond this type of “Over-Sharing” I’m going to go into the full blown mental meltdown over-sharing mode.
So how do I plan to do this you might ask? Well it is fairly simple I say, I mean I see plenty of people on Facebook have meltdowns, they totally go off on people like an ex or a shitty friend. But the problem with those posts is that they are random and erratic, you never know when it’s coming so sometimes you miss them because the poster will delete them once they feel they have gotten enough attention or have come to their senses. But not me, that’s not how I’m going to roll, I want people to see my meltdowns, I want you to get involved. So that’s why I want to invite all my social media friends to my upcoming meltdowns, it will be happening all this week.
I don’t know how many of you remember my July of 2013 epic meltdown where I went on for over thirty minutes exposing the lurid details of my Walmart encounter with a leopard print tights wearing, crack addict woman who tried to assault me over grabbing the last bag of Captain Crunch? But I was in a bad place around that time period anyways, I was addicted to Facebook, I had an unhealthy obsession with “liking” everything that everyone had ever posted, plus I began a very determined effort to make comments on every females profile picture. But luckily I beat that addiction and now I can enjoy Facebook just like everyone else, in healthy moderation.
Okay, so back to my meltdown week, I’m totally taking my Facebook game into the Pro level, here are some of the things you can expect to see this week.
-I plan on making meaningless and nonsensical personal attacks on guys that I don’t even know.
–I will be extremely flirtatious with women that I barely know and my comments to them will be riddled
with typos and big words that I won’t know the meaning of, but I will use them anyways.
–I will make incredibly long and vulnerable posts regarding my self-esteem issues.
–I will go off on weird tangents about how the government is using methane gas from cows to control our thoughts and to turn us into zombies.
–I will make multiple insinuations that my Facebook meltdowns are a new form of performance art and
that I am a true artist.
–I will make random posts on Facebook groups that we all belong to, just making off the wall comments
to show everyone that I clearly have some type of mental imbalance and should seek help.
–I will do mass tagging’s of random people in the comments section of my own posts.
–Lots of cryptic messages that have no real meaning, but enough to make you interested.
And so much more…I promise it will be well worth your time.
Now understand this is just a rough outline to what my meltdowns will consist of. I want to keep my meltdowns loose and improvisational, I hate following a script so I’m just going to let the creative juices flow and throw caution to the wind. I will do my best to keep up with any comments or remarks that my followers may post, audience participation is key to making the meltdown take on a life of it’s on. But I can imagine if it goes anything like my exchange with David Grier, who is on my Twitter feed, it will be fantastic for all involved…
On David’s tweet he said: “Looking forward to a fun day at my daughter’s volleyball tournament, Good Luck Lady Eagles!! And Good Luck to my little girl Megan!’ (And he tagged his daughter)
To which I responded: “David…In my heart of hearts I know the pain and suffering you are going through right now, is today the day you plan on telling your daughter Megan that she is adopted? If so good luck and hopefully you can still love her the same” (I also tagged Megan)
To which David responded: “What the fuck? Who are you?”
And Megan also replied: “Is this true Daddy??”
I responded to Megan: “Yes dear, I’m afraid it is”
To which David responded: “I’m going to kill you, you son of a bitch!”
Later David deleted all my tweets, but it’s alright I save everything as I go. I hope one day to write a book about my meltdowns and humorous exploits on social media. I’m really excited about this upcoming meltdown week or “The Big Show ” as I like to call it. I think it will really help me promote my brand, not really sure what my “brand” is at the moment but I’m sure it will be something special.
So just remember everyone is welcomed to take part in my meltdowns, just make a funny or rude comment and I will take it from there, it will be like you’re in the room with me as I throw stuff at you and blame you for my problems. Hopefully, I will end up disturbing a few of you to the point you lay in bed at night wondering if you should call the police and have them come check on me, if that does happen then I will consider my endeavor a success.
So mark it on your calendars, it’s meltdown week and everyone’s invited!