My Life Would Be Far More Entertaining If I Had My Own Studio Audience.



Sometimes I feel my life would be far more interesting if it was a 90’s sitcom and more importantly if I had a studio audience. Just think about it, don’t you think your daily routine would be far more entertaining if there was a studio audience at the ready, willing to laugh at you when you say or do something funny?

I can just picture it now….


Scene: Master Bedroom…5:00 am

I am sound asleep. My body is draped across the bed at an awkward angle. My cat Ms. Kitty is perched atop my chest, she is just beginning her morning ritual of licking my face to get me to wake up to go feed her, she gets annoyed because I am not responding so she then bites my chin….

Me: Goddamn it!! Ms. Kitty stop that shit…

[Studio Audience Laughing]


SCENE: Kitchen…5:20 am

I walk into the kitchen wearing my old boxers, I fumble around trying to get my oatmeal made, I get a pan and begin boiling water. I still look visibly tired, I pour myself a cup of coffee from the pot, and go to the refrigerator  to get the creamer, but as I go to shut the refrigerator door I drop the creamer on the floor and nearly slip and fall in it…..

Me: Are you kidding me!?!?!

[Studio Audience Laughing]


SCENE: Bathroom…5:45 am

I walk into the bathroom and turn the water on in the shower, I’m cold so I turn the water on hot to heat up the bathroom, I’m still pretty visibly groggy, I go to sit down on the toilet but don’t notice the seat is up and as I sit down my ass cheeks make contact with the ice cold toilet water….

Me: NOOO!!!! Why me? Why God?? Why?

[Studio Audience Laughing]


SCENE: Drive-Thru Coffee Shack…6:40 am

I am waiting in line behind another car, I finally move forward and it is my turn to place my order…

Coffee Girl: Hello, what can I do for you this morning?

Me: Well, let’s see for starters you could have made my cat not bite me in the face this morning…

[Studio Audience Laughing]

Coffee Girl: Jesus, what the hell is going on?

Me: What do you mean?

Coffee Girl: Why are all these people standing your car laughing and cheering?

Me: I have no idea what you’re talking about.

[Studio Audience Laughing]


SCENE: The Gym…7:00 am

Person Behind The Counter: Hey, Dude…How are you doing today?

Me: I’m doing pretty good so far, but it’s early yet.

[Studio Audience Laughing]

Person Behind The Counter: What the hell? Who are all these people?

Me: I don’t know what you are talking about.

[Studio Audience Laughing]

Person Behind The Counter: What the hell is happening, why are all these people laughing and cheering when you say something?

Me: I think you need to lay off the coffee buddy, I think you are seeing things.

[Studio Audience Laughing]

Person Behind The Counter: What the fuck is going on!?!

[Studio Audience Laughing]


SCENE: Walmart…10:05 am

I am walking around Walmart looking for a few items I need, I go over to the pet food aisle and buy Ms. Kitty some cat food and then I grab her some poo poo litter. I then make my way over to the dairy products and grab some whole milk, because anything else is just white water. I then head towards the vegetable area that’s when I run into that annoying guy named Jim that I always try to avoid….

Jim: Well hey there buddy, I didn’t know you were one of the people of Walmart

Me: Well I guess I just want to be like you Jim.

[Studio Audience Laughing]

Jim: Oh, hey…are these people your friends or something?

Me: I don’t know anyone here Jim, not even you!

[Studio Audience Laughing]

Jim: I don’t understand why are they all laughing and hooting?

Me: I don’t know what you’re even talking about Jim, no wonder everyone thinks you’re a nut case.

[Studio Audience Laughing]

Jim: (He begins crying) that really hurt man.

[Studio Audience Gives Sympathetic Ohhhh’s]


SCENE: My Home….11:40 am

I walk into my home, I seem tired from my trip to Walmart. I put down the bags of groceries and walk towards my bedroom, I kick off my shoes, and then I flop down on my bed and face the ceiling….

Me: I can’t believe how emotionally taxing a trip to Walmart can be…

[Studio Audience Moans]

My cat enters the bedroom and jumps up on the bed next to me.

Ms.Kitty: Meow…Meow

[Studio Audience Awwww’s]

Me: Hey there Ms.Kitty did you miss me?

Ms. Kitty: Meow

[Studio Audience Loud Awww’s]

Me: Let me guess Ms. Kitty you’re hungry and want me to feed you?

Ms. Kitty: Meow

[Studio Audience Laughing]

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