That awkward time when Mom introduced us to Jerry and his new role in our family….
Hey kids, I’m home…would you all please come into the living room. Who are you talking to? Well tell Tina you will call her back because I have something important to tell you kids. Where is your little sister? What? She is only 4! You are supposed to watch her when I’m not here, didn’t they teach you that in those babysitting classes I paid for you to go to? Go get her, she will need to hear this.
Alright kids, I need you to listen to me, I have some really important stuff I need to share with you. First of all let me just say that there is nobody who can replace your Daddy…No one! Does everyone understand what I’m saying? You kids have a father, one father and right now he is in Hawaii with his new fiancée and her fake boobs. But I would like to introduce you Jerry, he is my new boyfriend and I’m really hoping he can be the one to replace your father.
How long have we been going out? That is a great question, I met Jerry several hours ago when I was out with the girls. It’s kind of a funny story you kids might get a kick out of it. So like I said I was out with the girls at a club called Rawhide, and they had a drink special going on where ladies buy one and get one free until 10 pm. So I had ordered a drink at 10:01 and my watch said 9:59 pm, the bartender was trying to make me pay for both drinks, so we got into this huge argument but then out of the blue Jerry steps over and said he would pay for it. At that moment I looked him in the eyes and I knew in my heart he was the one!
Now you older kids are probably thinking I’m crazy or something for bringing a guy I just met home to meet you, but I assure you, before I brought him back to the house I really grilled him with some tough questions. I was able to learn a lot about his personality and character. And honestly kids, I really liked what I heard from him! Kids you will like this …Jerry actually played semi-pro football in the arena league. Jerry, how many years was it again? Two? Three…Two. So two whole years for, umm, what team was it Jerry? Oh yeah, the Arizona Rattlers… Isn’t that exciting kids? Your father never played any sports and got paid for it. So that is one very valid reason why Jerry should replace your father.
Jerry is there any other reasons why you can think of that you should replace their father? Well how about that kids, Jerry said he could kick your Dad’s ass in a fight. I’m not sure about that one Jerry. Their father is 6’6’’ and extremely muscular. Now I’m not saying Jerry can’t beat up your daddy, kids….I just don’t feel I should laugh at him in front of you because we are trying to look united as parents here, but let’s just say we will never know until we match them up toe to toe, while they are both punching at each other.
You kids probably don’t want to hear this, but Jerry is a great kisser. But to be honest we haven’t really gone much further than that, although we really did get pretty hot and heavy in his LeBaron for twenty minutes before we came in to talk with you kids. But going off how he performed in those twenty minutes I really do expect him to be a passionate lover. I will let you kids know in the morning if I was right or not…Wink Wink.
Now, I know you kids don’t really need to know this information but keep this in mind while you decide whether or not to accept Jerry as your new father, if I am in a better mood because Jerry satisfied me sexually, then I will most likely be nicer to you and probably a little more understanding when you act out. Who knows maybe I will even surprise you kids with trips to Chuckie Cheese or let you ride your bikes around the block again, you know all the things we use to do back when you had a father who lived in the house and was satisfying me sexually.
What’s that Jerry? Oh kids, Jerry is now having second thoughts about whether or not he could beat up your father. Kids, look at Jerry right now, you see what he is doing right now? He is showing humility, which is a quality you should admire about him. Jerry is admitting his weakness to you, not many men will do that, it takes courage. So kids I want to be sure you understand what Jerry is doing. Jerry is admitting to you and me that he would have a real problem challenging your 6’6” 300 pound father in a fair toe to toe fistfight. Remember nobody can ever replace your daddy, but Jerry is doing his absolute best to do so and I’m really rooting for him to succeed.
Now kids, I should mention to you that Jerry does not have a job. So please don’t ask Jerry where he works, he told me earlier he doesn’t like talking about not working. Kids, Jerry does not work! Do you guys understand that? So what it means is he will not be able to buy your love like most replacement daddies do. So don’t expect any expensive gifts like new bikes, video games or even new clothing. But what you can expect is Jerry’s quality time with you as he attempts to win your love. For example, maybe Jerry can coach you at soccer or drive you to school in the mornings. So remember No job and No money means more quality time to spend with you guys and I for one can see the advantage in that, can you guys? Oh, What’s that Jerry?…I guess that’s fair, I should point that out. Okay kids, remember that sometimes Jerry might parent you in non-traditional ways. Maybe he won’t volunteer to coach you at soccer or drive you to school in the mornings, but he will be there for you, in a supportive type of way, just like a Dad should.
Just so we are clear kids…Jerry will never be your real father, ever! Jerry can’t simply take his place, you know biologically speaking. But he will try to act like a real father to you and believe me I plan to make you feel guilty if you don’t immediately accept him as a replacement father. I really want you to start calling him “Daddy” from this moment on.
So again kids, nobody is trying to take the place of your Dad. I just want you to love Jerry and treat him as if he is your real father, but we know he isn’t your real father, but I will probably tell people that he is so just get used to it. Do you kids understand me? I hope you understand that Jerry will never be your real father, but for all intents and purposes he will replace your real father, to be loved by you as children should love their father and he will please me sexually as husbands should please their wives, and I really feel this will help us all forget about your real father who is now in Hawaii, probably having sex with his new fiancée and her fake boobs.
So, kids…Jerry is ready and willing to stay here with us in our home. He will probably give off a weird vibe of a stranger while engaging you in awkward conversations. Also he is going to slip right into the role of an authority figure without ever trying to earn your respect, but he and I will demand you give him that respect, after all he will be acting as if he is your father. But don’t misunderstand me, I’m not saying anyone is trying to say your real father can ever be replaced. No at all! Never! But I am saying, I’m ready to replace your father completely….Are you kids ready?