Hi, I hope you are doing well. I thought I would write you a nice Thank You letter this year instead of sending you a text like usual. But really let me say Thank You, I really do appreciate the $15 Subway gift card you sent me for my birthday. I mean, I know I sent you a really long wish list about three months ago, and I know you got it because you had to sign for it. I think it was a pretty interesting move on your part to totally ignore all my suggestions and veer off into insanity.
Or maybe you were just trying to be funny, is that what you’re doing? Is this some kind of joke? I mean, I know I was joking when I wrote on my wish list that any gift that cost less than $100 would be a waste of both your time and your money.
Listen, don’t misunderstand me here, the gift card was a very nice gesture and all. Actually I thought it was pretty thought provoking, I guess I never imagined they could fit such a minuscule amount of money onto a card that appeared larger than most, after all it is the size of a six inch sub. It’s really mind blowing if you stop and think about it. Because I clearly remember telling you I would never eat at Subway again after Jared was arrested for having sex with minors, I know you are getting old Mom, but we had that conversation last week? Jared? Subway? Sex with minors? Ring any bells?
Well in case you wanted to know, my birthday party was pretty nice. I bought myself a cake and party hats, I played music and did board games. I won every game, Ms. Kitty really isn’t very good at them, but she did enjoy the cake, so much so that I was only left with a few crumbs, so that was pretty disappointing….Almost as disappointing as getting a Subway gift card for your birthday. I’m just being sarcastic, of course I am thankful for the gift card and again I want to say Thanks Mom! I guess most Moms who would attempt to psychologically destroy their son on his birthday would take a more traditional route, like maybe telling them they were adopted on their big day and burning them with a cigarette just to watch them scream in agony. But you, however, are far too clever for those old cliche’ methods. You decided to inflict the most painful of all acts of known in parenting handbook, you went with ignoring all my birthday list wishes and instead sent me a $15 Subway gift card, I commend you on your originality….Bravo Mom, Bravo!
Winter is almost here, I had really held out hope of getting a few of the winter related items I put on the wish list, like a winter coat, hat, gloves, and snowmobile. But I think you might be right, giving me the $15 Subway gift card is probably a smarter move. Seriously Mom, Thank You! They say it’s not the gift, it’s the thought that counts, right? Come to think about it I guess at my age I really shouldn’t expect a big gift. After all I remember back when I turned 40 you told me that I’m getting kind of old to receive big gifts anymore and you didn’t know how much longer you would do it and you pointed out that my older brothers stopped getting gifts after they turned 18, but I thought I was your favorite, your baby? And since I thought I was your favorite I never really expected you to stop getting me cool stuff for my birthday and I certainly didn’t think it would happen on a milestone birthday like this one. You do know this birthday only happens once in a lifetime right? So yeah no biggie, guess the only milestone I will remember is the one you hit me with, you crushed my heart with it and then stuck a $15 Subway card in it…Why do you hate me??
I decided to make the best of this whole situation, so I went ahead and visited Subway so I could spend my gift card, I order myself a foot long steak and cheese sandwich, I even splurged and got bacon and guacamole on it, and then I figured what the hell and had them double the meat on it, then I added two cookies and a large soda. Guess what Mom? The gift card didn’t work! There I was with a $12 dollar meal and no way to pay for it. The kid behind the counter said the gift card wasn’t even activated, which means all you did was grab one of their blank gift card and sent it to me without putting any money on it, why Mom? Is it because I forgot your birthday this year? And well…last year too, but last year wasn’t my fault you know that, I didn’t turn my calendar to the right month, I blame the calendar company for that, you know that! Look, I don’t want to be angry on my birthday, I am willing to give you another chance to make this right, do you still have my wish list? I think items 4,6,13,21 and 34 would be more than sufficient to make up for this error in judgement, let me know if you need me to send you another copy of the wish list.
Alright Mom, let’s have a birthday do-over okay? Remember it’s a big one for me, I only turn 45 once in a lifetime so dig deep into that savings account and let’s make it right, I deserve it, remember I ‘m your favorite…your baby! And don’t you ever forget that!
The Birthday Boy