I don’t mind that I rarely get any recognition for what I do, the majority of the people have no idea I even exist or that I patrol the mean streets of Helena…That’s in Montana in case you were wondering. My mission is to fight crime, keep the good citizens of Helena safe and maybe chat up a few single ladies when I have some time.
I don’t have a special outfit that I wear, so you won’t see me in a mask or wearing a cape, but I sometimes like to wear a tank top. It helps free up my arms when I’m in a heated battle with a local felon and it allows the ladies to get a good look at the weapons I carry, and by weapons I mean my guns, the arm cannons, the twins…Pew and Pew. Once in a while if a pretty lady asks me I will give her a ticket to the gun show, but as long as it doesn’t interfere with my crime fighting.
I unfortunately don’t have a cool superhero type vehicle that I drive, you know the kind that shoots rockets from the grille or sprays pepper spray from the exhaust. I choose to drive a car that helps me blend in. In my line of work you don’t want to stand out, otherwise the scumbags will see you coming a mile away. Also I’m kind of on a budget so I had to go with what I could afford.
I like to think I’m a bad ass when it comes to my fighting skills, but honestly I could use some work. But I know for a fact I can take several good shots to the head before I go down, especially if I just left the gym and still have a good pump on. I have mastered the art of falling though, so if I do take a good shot to the head and I find myself hurling towards the ground I like to reach out and grab handfuls of hair as I go, I usually can take a few people with me as I fall to the ground.
Sadly, the local law enforcement agencies are not on my side in my nightly crusades for justice. Most of them consider me a vigilante. They even have gone as far as to call me a nuisance, a meathead and just plain annoying. As a matter of fact just last week while I was out getting information regarding a crime that took place the night before they arrested me for assault. I went along with their little game and allowed them to put me in a cell until I could post bail the following day. I found it ironic that there I was, Helena’s unsung hero, locked up with common street scum. The cops always seem so desperate for a collar that they would make the mistake of taking this city’s protector off the streets, they really had no clue who I really was or that I’m wanted in two other states, but that’s the past and I don’t dwell on the past.
I think my nightly missions of justice would be far more interesting if I had an arch nemesis out there whose dastardly deeds I could be thwarting. Sadly, I have no such nemesis. But there are plenty of normal criminals out there who I can focus my attention on. I even have a few enemies out there who would delight in something bad happening to me. For example that really mean waitress IHOP who tried to pour coffee on me a few days ago after I complained about her facial hair ending up on my pancakes. And my neighbors, I can’t stand my neighbors, but due to the pending legal action they are taking against me I really can’t discuss what the issues are, but it will all come out in court.
My parents weren’t killed by a criminal when I was a child, you know like what happened to Batman, but my parents did kick me out of the house shortly after my thirty-fifth birthday, so in a way it’s kind of the same thing. But I do have an “Origin” story, an event that caused me to go into crime fighting. It actually happened about two weeks ago. I was on my way to the gym one morning when I saw an elderly woman get mugged on a street corner, in broad daylight, in Helena! I was shocked that this level of criminal behavior had finally come to the peaceful streets of my sleepy little town. Anyways, I got angry and chased after the guy, after three blocks I finally hit him with my car. When the cops did show up I was arrested for vehicular assault. But I learned a valuable lesson that day and that is to seek justice at night, when less people can see you and point you out in a line up. But my crime fighting career started that day, hopefully when I go to court for that case I won’t end up doing time, after all I was just fighting crime. I consider myself a Hero, even if the justice system thinks otherwise.
So be warned criminals of Helena, I’m out there every night, well except Thursday nights, I have bingo on Thursday nights. But other than Thursday nights I’m out there seeking justice for the citizens of Helena whom I have sworn an oath to myself to protect. And ladies if you happen to see me out there feel free to stop and talk with me, it’s a lonely job being a crusader for justice and if you’re lucky I will give you a ticket to the gun show…Pew Pew!