My Epic Journey To The Top Of Helena’s Greatest Mountain…The Mighty Mount Helena.




I struggled to place my walking stick ahead of me, ever forward, ever upward, each carefully placed step a struggle to overcome the insurmountable odds that lay ahead of me.

Craning my neck, I could see the magnificent summit of Mount Helena,  just a few more yards and I shall finally crest this behemoth. Then it happens, against all the odds and disregarding all the naysayers who said it couldn’t be done, I have achieved the un-achievable. Now from my lofty perch I look down on the city of Helena from which this dream of mine to reach the summit had arose from…I am a God surveying the earth, I am the master of all I see…It is time for a selfie.

My lifelong dream has finally been realized, I saw this unconquered mountain and conquered it! I feel so at one with nature in this moment, I stripped off my clothes and poured myself a strawberry and banana protein shake, no ice and basked in my moment of glory.

Sure, the moment was quickly overshadowed by the arrival of Mrs. Smith’s third grade class who climbed  Mount Helena today as part of their field trip. But I don’t care…this was my moment! After another group of children arrived at the summit I decided to make my descent to the bottom, for it was far too crowded and noisy now at the summit. Plus seeing all these little kids running around up here, seemingly unaffected by the treacherous journey I myself faced moments earlier made my accomplishment seem less and less spectacular.

During my descent, I was met along the way by an elderly mountain climber who had his trusty canine companion with him, the same canine companion whose leash tripped me up and start me on my epic free fall descent which I’m sure one day in the future will eventually be made into a made for tv movie on the Lifetime Channel.

I did the only thing I could do, the only thing that made sense, I curled up into the fetal position and careened down the trail. I began to pick up even more speed and I quickly transformed into a giant three hundred pound wrecking ball tumbling down Helena’s famous mountain. Oddly while this was happening I realized a second lifelong dream had suddenly been accomplished….I had always wanted to do a somewhat comical uncontrolled free fall down a mountain, don’t ask me why, I myself don’t even understand it.

Eventually I tumbled into a small clearing and somehow violently wedged myself in between several freshly cut pine trees laying on the ground, the pine needle branches fell on top of me, nearly completely covering me in my pine tree coffin. As I laid there, not fully aware of how much pain I would shortly be experiencing, I took a moment and laughed at all the pathetic people down there in Helena who said I would never do it, that I would never accomplish this goal, I can’t help but feel sorry for those people, for they will never truly experience what this majestic mountain has to offer.

I felt as if I was in my last moments, I would die on this mountain, what a fitting end to an epic journey. But then panic briefly swept over me, I realized how foolish I had been, I should have never attempted this foolhardy endeavor. At the very least I should have brought a faithful canine companion with me like that elderly man wisely did, even though that stupid dog is the one who caused my demise.

But then, in my last, last moments, I could hear the sound of a canine, perhaps they sent a rescue party for me already, suddenly all hope was not lost it seemed. But then I saw it, a giant ball of canine fur and old man flesh rolling down the hill, they crashed into my pine tree coffin and freed me from certain death. That’s when I thought maybe bringing a canine companion on a journey like this might not be the smartest idea. And as I stood up, freed from the coffin nature had prepared for me I looked down at the bewildered old man and his canine companion and told him his dog was an asshole!

Mount Helena would claim no victims this day…

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