I’m Taking Application’s For My New Emergency Contact…If You Feel You Have What It Takes Then Feel Free To Fill Out The Questionnaire.

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Emergency Contact Questionnaire



  1. Do you have a valid passport? Also, are you able to legally

leave the state?


  1. If I called you at 2 pm on a Tuesday what is the likelihood

that you are intoxicated and would not be

able to operate heavy machinery or fire a weapon?


  1. Check any of the following items that you personally own:

*Portable Defibrillator:__

*Fake Passports and Identification:__

*Police Uniform:__

*Spongebob Backpack:__

*A Week’s Supply Of MRE’s:__

*A Ski Mask:__

*Hand Grenade:__



  1. Multiple Choice: I would do anything required of me to

insure that Robert lives a long and happy life,

so I have no problem giving him the following if he asked

me for it:

  1. Vital Organs (including Heart)
  2. My Life
  3. My Virginity
  4. My Assets
  5. All of the above


  1. How many times have you read the classic cookbook “Kill 

    It and Grill It”  by Ted Nugent? (If you haven’t read it

please explain why.)


  1. On a scale of 1 to 5 please tell me how comfortable you are

carrying out the follow requests:

*CPR (using mouth)

*Firing a machine gun while riding “bitch” on a motorcycle

*Forging a prescription

*Removing the crust off my sandwiches

*Preforming surgery with what’s available in a typical

western kitchen

*Carrying out a nighttime raid on a drug lords villa

*Spotting me in the gym when I go heavy on the squats

*Letting me claim you as a dependent


  1. On a separate sheet of paper, In 500 words or less describe

what “Vegetative State” means to you, and as part of your

answer address the following scenario:


A close friend has hit his head while bungee jumping and

is now unconscious. His physical injuries are

not too bad, so he should make a full recovery in a few

hours. Now knowing this information, you are

also aware that he recently got dumped by his girlfriend

and has been talking about how unhappy he

is with his life, he even talked about ending it all. He also

has a Walmart gift card for $50 in his wallet.

Would you now consider this a “difficult end of life 




  1. We are in a hostile war zone, there is intense enemy

artillery fire coming down on our position, people are

getting killed all around us. Do you immediately throw

yourself on top of me in order to save my life or do you

first stack some of the dead bodies around me creating an

extra “flesh wall” for my optimum safety?


  1. We are traveling in a foreign country, when a stranger

wearing an explosive vest comes running towards us

screaming  “Aloha Snackbar”  what would you do? Explain

how your actions prevent me from getting injured.


  1. Have you seen Silence of the Lambs? Also list in order of

tastiness which human body parts you imagine yourself

eating and what type of side dishes would you prepare

with them.


  1. Are you against being in a porno? What if you wore a



  1. Going off your current skill levels, give an estimate (in

days) how long you would be able to keep me and

yourself alive in the following environments:


*Helena, Montana

*The Montana State Fair

*Damascus, Syria

*Compton, California

*Amsterdam, Holland

*Walmart on Black Friday

*Jurassic Park


  1. Are you For or Against Selfie Sticks?


  1. Can you hot-wire a car in under 30 seconds? Can you

drive a stick?

  1. If you saw me picture on Tinder would you swipe Left or


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