Dear Lowlife Scumbag,
I just wanted to let you know that I did receive your request for payment. Now don’t get me wrong, I care deeply about my Mom and would do anything for her, but come on $500,000 is a lot of money. Is there any way we can negotiate a smaller ransom?
I agree my Mom is worth every penny of that ransom, but with the economy the way it is and I’m still trying to recover financially from a foolish investment I made in a timeshare located in the Ukraine, so let’s work out something that is mutually beneficial to both of us. But regardless of the ransom amount I really am not going to be able to do anything about it until next Thursday. So if you could just keep my Mom safe until then that would be great. To be honest it has been several years since I have had a break from my Mom, I think it would do both of us some good. Since she will be in your care for the next week I think there are a few important things you should know.
My Mom has a thing for animals, so if you have a dog or cat just keep it in the room with her and she will be really happy and probably won’t give you any troubles at all as long as she has an animal to talk to, but a word of caution, if you are one of those types that mistreat or doesn’t consider your pets as humans then she might become an unmanageable handful for you, she might even try to kill you. Trust me, I’ve seen her do it before. Also make sure you feed the animals first before her, she gets offended if people don’t treat their pets like honored guests, again she may try to injury you unless you follow her idea proper animal etiquette.
Now do not misunderstand my behavior here, I still think you are a low life piece of shit for taking my Mom and holding her for ransom, but I almost feel obligated to warn you of some of her behavioral issues. Sometimes my Mom will start speaking very softly, she may even ask you to come closer so she can whisper something to you, do not get close to her if she does this, she will most likely bite your ear off. She did this twice to both of my cousins and she really liked each of them. Her therapist seems to think she slips into and out of reality, she often thinks she is a Wolf, so if she bites you and starts howling then you will know what’s going on.
Another thing to be aware of at night you should make sure you lock yourself into a secure room. My Mom has a bad habit of “sleep hunting” it’s kind of like sleep walking but she actually hunts for prey. The therapist believes she becomes an Indian Warrior in her sleep, and she goes hunting for the evil White men who have taken her land. One time she went “sleep hunting” and somehow got out of the house and ended up over at my neighbor’s house, I was startled awake from the screams coming from my neighbor’s house, so I ran over there to find Mr. and Mrs. Johnson tied up in the backyard, they had been covered in honey and the ants were eating them alive, it was truly a horrible sight, luckily I was able to get my Mom back home before the cops came, we really dodged a bullet on that one. So yeah, I would really make sure you sleep in a secure room.
My Mom has a bad habit in using cuss words all the time, I’m sure you are already aware of this, but we are working hard with her to break her of that, so every time she uses a profanity it would be great if you could ask her to use a better word, she might get upset at first but eventually she understands that your just trying to help her, it just requires consistency, so I’m really hoping you can help out in this area, I would hate to see all our hard work go down the drain.
I’m sure by now my Mom has been repeatedly asking you for her vegetables, she is used to getting vegetables every two hours as a healthy snack, and when she doesn’t get them she can become quite the handful. Her favorites are carrots, broccoli and cauliflower. If you have Ranch dressing that would also go well with her veggies. Word of warning though, for your own safety I would suggest steaming or boiling the vegetables. If you do give her uncooked carrots you will need to watch her, make sure she doesn’t sharpen the carrots with her teeth. You may not think someone can make a lethal weapon out of a carrot but she certainly can. That is one of the reasons we had to remove her from the retirement home she was in, I was stunned at the pictures they showed me of Mr. Kennedy, my Mom shoved a sharpen carrot into his abdomen during a heated game of bingo.
As you might have picked up by now, my Mom doesn’t like it if you call her by her first name, she usually only responds if we call her “Princess Bloody Tomahawk.” But oddly once in a while she will even go by the name “Adolf” we haven’t been able to figure that one out completely as of yet, but she watches a lot of shows on the History channel so your guess is as good as mine.
Oh, and if you have any type of physical deformity or speech problem, it would be wise to try and keep that from her. She has a bad habit of mocking people mercilessly about those things. She really can be pretty cruel at times.
Another thing she really goes after people for is their incorrect use the English language, if you don’t know the difference between You, Your and You’re or To, Two and Too, she will really go to town on you, so it’s best not to let her read anything you may write down, otherwise you will never hear the end of it.
And sometimes she likes to tell people she is pregnant and then she will ask if you want to feel the baby kicking, don’t fall for it, she will end up kicking you in the shins or the groin.
Well, that should about cover the important stuff, I’m sure a few things will come to my mind later. Just know we are really desperate to get my Mom back safely, but just understand it will take some time, so let’s just shoot for next Thursday, say noonish? If you should need to get a hold of me between now and then, just contact the Flamingo Hilton in Las Vegas, that’s where we will be for the next week trying to come to terms with this stressful event. I know this might seem strange, but thanks.
Her Loving Son
P.S…..Please don’t share this letter with my Mom, just tell her we are frantically trying to get some money together and are working tirelessly to get her home safely. Thanks Again!