Important Father And Son Conversations That Totally Missed The Mark!




Being Left At Home In Charge For The First Time…

Alright son, Daddy’s heading out to see Mommy’s  old college roommate, she is in town and wanted to say Hi, so I will be going to welcome her into town.  This means you are the man of the house, got that? You will need to go give your Mother her medications every two hours, I wrote it down and left it on the kitchen counter, just remember don’t give her the blue pill with the light blue, that would be bad, anyways I wrote it down. And remember if your Mother asks where I am you tell her I had to go into work, can you remember that? Alright big guy don’t do anything I wouldn’t do. Oh and there are some things I would do that you probably shouldn’t do either. Don’t have sex with your Mom. Do not look in my night stand drawer. Do not open the cigar box that is under my bed. How about this, just don’t do anything you know you shouldn’t do, how about that? I really got to go, don’t wait up for me.


 The Birds And The Bee’s Talk…

Are you talking about sex? Well, that really seems high, don’t pay her anything until I get home.


Doing Poorly In School…

Son, I’m pretty disappointed in you. I really think if you put the effort in and applied yourself you could get these grades up. Well…Okay, maybe that’s pushing it right? But I do think we should take away some of the special privileges you get until you get those grades up. Absolutely no cell phone! Well, you can answer it, but you need to keep it under five minutes. And if it’s a strange woman’s voice on the other end asking for Daddy, you tell her to call me back on my work cell phone.


What About Drugs…

Okay you have a point, Daddy has done a lot of things in the past that I wish I never did, well, I mean at the time I’m glad I did them, but now I wish I never did. Yes, I did all kinds of things, things you couldn’t even imagine, but that’s the past…Why are you asking all these questions? Yes, I rode the White Dragon.  And, what?, I don’t care it ruined my life.  Yeah, Yes I am anti-drug so don’t say that, look you already know what I’m supposed to say as your Father, so why do you even ask me. Don’t do it, Yeah Whatever, Look kid I’m not wearing a DARE t-shirt and I’m not a magic eight ball! Jesus!!


Learning To Drive…

See, I told you not to slam on the brakes like that, slow and easy. If you slam on the brakes you will freak out the drivers behind you. Just go slow, gently press on the brake, that’s right, just like that. Okay, try stopping in front of this house up her on the corner, Yes, the one with the plywood door. Alright, now I want you to practice leaving the car in park while Daddy runs inside for twenty minutes. And if you see any cops I want you to hit the horn three times, got it?


First Trouble With The Law…

Alright, so that cop was telling me he thinks you’re acting out for attention, maybe it’s a cry for help or something. I don’t understand why you can’t just talk to me about whatever is going on instead on breaking into the neighbor’s garage. I was a kid once too you know, I know this is a difficult age, but would it kill you to try talking to me? I mean, I had a lot going on when I was your age too, I was working two jobs, one at McDonald’s and the other at Taco Bell. And I was engaged to your Mother, well, mainly to her roommate but that’s not important. And not really engaged but an understanding, your mom was a wild child back then there was no taming her. Honestly, I don’t even think your my kid, but that’s not important right now.  Anyways, let’s get you home and we can talk about this tomorrow, oh, wait, maybe Sunday, tomorrow is the play-offs.


Running Away From Home…

Okay, kiddo, look I know we haven’t always had the best relationship, and we really don’t communicate very well. But when stuff like this comes up we need to talk it out. I know you miss your Mom, heck I even miss her, but with any luck and some good behavior she should be home in 4-6 years. I know you could really use a “Mom” like person to talk with so I promise you I will go out staring tonight look for a new Mommy for you, how does that sound? Wouldn’t it be nice to have a new Step-Mom around the house? So go unpack your bags, and just let Daddy work his magic, I guarantee I will have a woman in here cooking us dinner in no time. How does that sound sport?

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