An Open Letter To My Rambunctious Inner Child…Listen Up Bobby!




Dear Inner Child,

BobbyBobby listen up, I’m done with this bullshit, I’m done with the way you treat me. All you do is look for ways to use me and take advantage of every situation! We need to come to some agreement if we are ever going to live our life in peace and guess what… Today is the day, we are going to be working as a team, that means starting now you will pitch in when needed and stop goofing off all the time…Got it?

Alright, just so we are clear on this….We are a team, but every team needs a Captain and I am the Captain! What does this mean? Well, it means I will still ask you for your opinion, I will admit you have some great ideas at times, especially when it comes to holidays and gift buying, you actually excel at that, so please take pride in that achievement. But the rest of the time you need to back the hell off!

Now back in the day you really were better looking than I am today. Everyone just adored you, you were so cute and shy, and girls just ate that shit up. But that was then kiddo, and this is now. Being cute might get you a date or two, maybe it will get you a free drink now and again, but it certainly won’t pay the bills.

Look I want us to have a good relationship, when I think of you I want it to be happy thoughts, not of some freak show that pops up unexpectedly and certainly uninvited. For example…I’m so sick and tired of the temper tantrums when things don’t go your way, every time you break the TV remote I have to replace it, those aren’t cheap you know. I understand sometimes you get frustrated, but there is a time and place for everything and having a meltdown in Walmart because they are out of your favorite frozen vegetable mix is certainly not making either of us look good.

And another thing, let’s knock off the pouting, whining and blaming others crap. Ok? You have to understand when my friends and family are offering me feedback, they aren’t picking on me or trying to punish me, at least most of the time. So enough of that bullshit. People are losing respect for us every time you act out. Remember you had your time, maybe you think that shit worked back then, but I can still recall the  “Incident”  back in Fourth grade when you came in second at the swim meet. Might I add the last swim meet you were allowed to participate in, so you see that behavior has never really worked for you.

While we are on the subject, you really need to stop telling people you need a  “Nappy Poo”  it is totally making people uncomfortable when you say it. Normal adult conversation doesn’t include that phrase. And interrupting me while I’m talking to someone, then getting bent out of shape because you can’t tell them what you did today is really getting old, so I mean it, that shit has to stop right now. Also before I forget, whenever we are out to eat and you aren’t happy with the service you cannot refer the wait staff by their name and a profanity that you think rhyme’s with it. That crap is seriously not getting us invited out anymore, except by Nate, but Nate’s inner child is worse than you, he actually eggs you on, we need to stop hanging out with Nate.

And stop making weird faces at people, I respect your right to have your own opinion but you just need to keep it to yourself. I’m still trying to apologize to Mrs. Davidson about that face you made after you tried one of her homemade cookies. I keep telling her it was my sneeze face but she isn’t buying it.

Looking back at all the failed relationships, lost jobs, fights and a whole host of other mishaps throughout my life, I still think it’s best if I take the lead from here on out. You are just going to have to trust me. We need to work as a team, with me as the Captain, I will run a tight ship, but I believe in fairness so you will have plenty of chances to step up and get involved so don’t worry. So are we in agreement on this? Bobby?… Bobby!! Dammit were you sleeping the whole time?

You better get your ass with the program, I promise you we are going to stop watching SpongeBob, Do you want that to happen? I didn’t think so!


Yours Truly,

The Captain

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